Monday, October 25, 2010

Gotta Love John Gottman!!!!

If you look through a lot of my couples books, you will see John Gottman come up a lot. He is wonderful!! For those of you who have never heard of Gottman, he created a "love lab" where he observed couples in conflict and was able to predict within 90+% the likelihood of a divorce based on observations. He then turned this into amazing books about how to make your marriage better. So... I was pleasantly surprised when I picked up another book by him about children called "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child".


Emotional Coaching, as he calls it in his book, is about connecting with your child in a way that validates feelings and prevents a lot of meltdowns. It also teaches kids to have better relationships as they get older, because they model what they were taught. How about that???!!!


The steps to emotion coaching are as follows:


  1. Become aware of the child's emotion. (That's easy-- she's throwing Cheerios at me because I told her to turn off the TV! Anger, maybe?)


  2. Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching (First, breathe deeply... there, that's better! Now, tell yourself-- "Wow, she's really mad. How can I help her with her feelings AND let her know I understand where she's coming from?)


  3. Listen empathetically, validating the child's feelings (Say, "It's really hard when you can't have what you want, isn't it?")


  4. Help the child find words to label the emotion he is having (Say, "I can see you are feeling really angry right now.")


  5. Set limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem at hand. ("We have to turn the TV off right now, but can you think about what you could watch later on tonight? I heard the new episode of Victorious is on.")

If you haven't guessed already, this happened just last night at my house! Trapped inside on a rainy day, and finally getting a dry spell, I tortured my child by telling her she needed to go burn some energy outside- right before the new iCarly episode was on. *sigh* But I have to say handling it like above really helped. She felt like I could understand her, and it prevented the meltdown and power struggle that it is SO easy to get into. I also helped her see that this is a short-term problem, and I wasn't tellling her she can never watch TV again (she tends to be a little dramatic).


But back to Gottman... I highly recommend this book, especially if you didn't learn these skills in your Family of Origin. It can help you feel like a better parent and more connected to your child. And make life run more smoothly! Gottman also connects the dots about how people are skilled emotion coaches have better marriages! Gee- who knew a little validation and empathy could help a marriage, right???

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Children Have Love Languages Too!



One of my favorite subjects is the Five Love Languages (created by Gary Chapman). I use it in my couples work, in my adult work, and a lot in my work with children and parenting. Heck, I even use it my OWN parenting, because I love it so much!

The basis of the Five Love Languages is that there are five basic languages (duh!) and each person has a primary one, sometimes two. It is important to be aware of this because if you are in a relationship with someone whose LL is different than yours, you may not be connecting as well as you could be.

The five LL's are:
  1. Acts of Service

  2. Words of Affirmation

  3. Quality Time

  4. Physical Touch

  5. Gifts

In my family, my LL is Words of Affirmation, my husband's LL is physical touch (so is my daughter's) and my son's LL is Quality Time. I notice that I would be spending time giving my son a lot of words of affirmation (which is still good) but it wasn't filling his "love tank". So over time, I would feel less connected with him, or notice his behavior being problematic, and it would finally occur to me that we hadn't spent any time alone together for quite a while. I then implemented "date time" which he thrives on, and totally fills his little love tank. My daughter (physical touch) gets her love tank filled with cuddles and hugs. She is happy to just be NEAR you, and if she doesn't get that, it shows in her behavior as well.

So how do you identify people's LL's? Aside from reading Chapman's books (which I highly recommend) observation is key. Think about how your child shows love to you and to others. Think about times when he or she really seems to be thriving.
*If you child seeks out time with you or asks you play with him/her often, or wants frequent time with friends-- Quality Time
*If your child likes to make you things, draw you pictures, or seems to really be set on possessions-- Gifts
*If your child really likes to do things for you, help you out with things, helps others-- Acts of Service
*If your child thrives on compliments, or seeks them out, or even tells you about the nice things that other say-- Words of Affirmation
*If your child is very touchy/feely, wants to be close to you, holds hand with friends-- Physical Touch

Wouldn't it be nice if everyone had their LL tatooed on their forehead?? But since they don't- observe. Ask. Pay attention.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

How We Can Learn From Children


In my practice, I see so many adults who have lost touch with the basics of self-care: sleeping well, eating right, exercising, hobbies, sharing feelings... and it struck me, as I observe children, and really paid attention to what they do (and what we as parents do for them), I wondered where we lose these basics? Why do we make sure our children have these basic needs met, but we minimize the importance of our own basic needs?
Let's look at them each in more detail...
Sleep This is a big one. Most adults don't get enough sleep. When you look at children, those who are well-rested anyways, they are on a "schedule". I know that when my kids were infants, I was a total sleep Nazi. I made sure that nothing interfered with nap or bedtime, even if it meant missing a birthday party, or showing up late for an event. I treasured their sleep schedule like a fragile egg. Because hey- we all know that a well-rested child is a happy child. So why do we, as adults, expect to function well with no sleep schedule, and not enough hours of sleep? Sure- most of us aren't laying on the ground crying and throwing a tantrum, but we feel like we want to on the inside. Adults function better if they consistently get to bed around the same time each night, wake up the same time in the morning (even on weekends) and get enough hours of sleep (7-8 hours for most adults).
Eating right Kids are like little sheep: they graze most of the day. If you pay close attention, kids tend to eat three meals and three snacks a day. And if you read articles about nutrition, it is recommended that adults eat 5-6 mini-meals per day. Hmm.... just like kids do! So, with the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, we tell ourselves it's OK to skip breakfast, binge at lunch, then be sleepy all afternoon, only to eat a carb-laden supper and then sit around all evening feeling bloated. If adults ate more like children, blood sugars would be more stable, mood would feel more positive, and they would notice a more consistent level of energy throughout the day.
Exercising Do I need to say more about this? Just watch kids for a while- if they go ANYWHERE, the aren't walking there, they are running. I once had a friend tell me that this was going to be his next exercise plan. Go to the mailbox- run there. Go to the car- run there. That's what kids do- and they feel better because of it.
Hobbies When I meet with a new patient, and work on getting to know him or her, I spend time asking what they enjoy doing with their free time. Unfortunately, more often than not, I hear "I'm not sure what I like to do". Often, this is a result of having kids, a marriage and a career, and along with this comes the loss of who that person is as an individual. Kids don't mind that they only have ten minutes to break out the paints and make a picture. They do it anyways, trying to squeeze in every amount of fun that they can. Adults grumble about the lack of time and energy, and lose sight of what they enjoy. So if you only have 10-15 minutes, that's OK! Break out your book and read a chapter. Write an entry in your journal. Go outside and snap some photos. You don't need a large chunk of time to enjoy life.
Feelings You don't have to be around little kids long to see an expression of emotion. When they're tired, hungry, scared, mad, sad, etc. you know it. They scream, cry, lash out, throw themselves on the ground kicking and screaming. Yes, it is our job as parents to teach our children more appropriate ways of expressing their emotions. It's not OK to bite, kick, throw things, scream in public... but we still encourage them to share how they feel. When do adults stop doing this? A large majority of people experiencing depression and anxiety stuff their feelings. It's taboo to talk about, or nobody wants to hear it, or that's what people assume. Stop stuffing it! It's not doing you any good!

So for one day, take the things that people apply to their children and apply them to yourself. See how different you feel!