Friday, November 26, 2010

Mixed Feelings


My hope was to blog this week on something that could help people cope with the stress of the holidays. As we passed Thanksgiving, and are on our way to Christmas, this can be a really challenging time of year for many people. I think we all know someone who is struggling financially-- either didn't get a raise, got laid off, or can't change jobs due to fear of finding a job that is less stable. We can probably also think of someone who is struggling in their relationship-- separating, divorcing, or fighting often. Some couples are being forced to stay together due to the economy. Many can't afford to divorce.

This topic is especially poignant in my job this time of year, working with women (mostly) who are struggling with pregnancy-related issues. Either they can't get pregnant, or they have experienced a loss of some kind, or they are having some kind of mood disorder that prevents them from enjoying being a mom (and dads struggle with all of these issues too!)
The problem is that people, women especially, struggle with the guilt and shame of feeling sad or angry about their own situation, but trying to be happy for the person in their life that is experiencing good times. This creates a vicious cycle of negative feelings, berating yourself for being "selfish", and trying to be happy for the other person. Then failing miserably because it is nearly impossible to squash your own feelings.

I am here to tell you to STOP squashing your own feelings. It is perfectly normal, albeit uncomfortable, to have these mixed feelings. The problem is that most of us weren't taught how to do this. My hope is to offer you some ideas for ways to get off this ride from hell.
1) Honor your feelings Your feelings are your feelings. Telling yourself that you "shouldn't" feel a certain way or that feeling mad/sad/bitter is "wrong" is just hopping on the spiral into shame. You feel that way- you have good reason. Tell yourself that it is what it is, and allow yourself a mini pity party. It's also OK to set boundaries with yourself by not putting yourself in situations that will be painful (i.e., baby showers), or limiting the amount of time you spend in them. People will understand!
2) Then, after a while, stop the pity party Pity parties can only last so long before they become harmful and damaging. So after you have honored your feelings, find a way to distract yourself. Do something nice for yourself, get together with a friend, see a funny movie. Find a way to create the opposite emotion.
3) Be honest with others If you are having a bad day, tell them. Let them know that you prefer to not see their pictures of the newest addition to the family. Let them know that it is difficult for you today to hear about their latest vacation to Bermuda. It's OK. You can be both honest and kind. That said...
4) Don't assume that others DON'T want to talk about it. This is more advice for the person who is in the awkward position of having a happy life, but knows they are with someone who is struggling and they want to respect that. The danger is that sometimes people make the assumption that the other person doesn't want to talk about their problems, and sometimes this is true. Others-- the person really would love some support and validation that they are struggling and need to get some of their feelings out. So gently ask- "Is there anything I can do? Do you need to talk about [insert here]?"

For those struggling, the holidays can be especially difficult. We are surrounded by a culture of commercialism that sends messages about keeping up with the Joneses. We see glorified family pictures that remind us of what we have to lose. We see lots and lots of babies and pregnant women that remind us of the way our body has failed us. Take care of yourself during this time.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Wouldn't it be nice if they came with directions?


My daughter received the new Baby Alive Baby All Gone at her birthday party last weekend, and she LOVES it. She has played with it a lot, and likes to be a "mommy". This morning, she was being mommy, and I got to be the babysitter, and I decided to take advantage of all of the things this doll can do. After all, the ad for this doll notes that she is "life-like". OK- if life-like is a talking doll that is the size of a newborn with Nellie Oleseon hard plastic curls... then I guess. Ahem... I digress. She has a sippy cup of apple juice (fake, thank God) and a magic spoon that you put into a bowl of bananas and they "disappear" when you put it to her mouth. Baby Alive then proceeds to tell you- in perfect, well-mannered English- "More, please"; "Mmmm... bananas are GOOD", "Thirsty! May I have a drink?" and many more phrases. Baby Alive never cries. Baby Alive always tells you what she wants, with pleases and thank yous. And when you're done playing with Baby Alive, you can put her down and her ever-smiling face will not ask for anything further.

Oh how I wish this were real!
Working with women who are experiencing postpartum mood disorders, there is at least a piece of the anxiety and depression pie that our society contributes to. TV shows with perfect families and moms that are showered and made-up with good hair. Magazines that display stories about celebrities being back to their pre-baby body 6 weeks after giving birth. Moms clubs where moms feel ashamed to talk about what having a baby can REALLY be like- so you leave feeling ashamed and weird that you don't feel that motherhood is 100% blissful.
Playing with Baby Alive made me realize that a lot of this thinking starts in early childhood! Most little girls like to play with dolls and be "mommies". You feed the baby that never cries, never has a diaper blowout, never smears boogers through their hair, never projectile vomits all over your clothes for the seventh time that day... and falls asleep when you put it down. This message is played through media, and by the time the baby comes along, women are led to believe that mothering should be natural- that you just know what to do. You will immediately be back to your pre-baby body, bond with your baby, and get them on a schedule ASAP.

So what can we do about this? Well, I'm not going to take Baby Alive away. That would just be too tramautic. But I do my best to help women and my friends who are pregnant get a dose of reality. Being a mom is GREAT-- but not 100% of the time. You will feel helpless. You may feel sad. You will feel incompetent. You feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility for this needy little bundle. AND-- it's all worth it. But it's hard at first. And just when you have it down, it changes! It will take a LONG time to lose the weight. You may not shower every day. And it's OK to not love every single minute of it. I hope to pass these messages along to my daughter when it's her turn (hopefully far far far down the road) so that if she is struggling, she will talk about it and ask for help.

Until then, we have Baby Alive. "More please!"