Friday, August 12, 2011

Overfunctioning in relationships


A common refrain I hear when working with adults and couples is, "I do everything- the cooking, cleaning, childcare, and (s)he does nothing". This is generally a resentful person. So resentful that life has become black and white.

If this is how you are feeling, I encourage you to take a step back and explore the possibility that you (yes, you) are contributing to this dynamic- one of the overfunctioning/underfunctioning type.

What? This is MY fault? Well, possibly. Or at least a part of it, anyways.

How does this type of thing happen? Here are some examples (Disclaimer: I am using the gender pronouns that are most common- this is not always the way that it is):
*Wife wants an evening out with friends, but before she does that, she goes through, in great detail, everything that her husband needs to do with the kids in order to feed them, bathe them, get them to bed.
*One person takes the initiative to do something special with the kids, or take care of some chores around the house, only to have the other spouse talk about how he/she would have done it differently.
*One consistently DOES do the majority of the housework for an extended period of time, becomes resentful, and expects her partner to read her mind and know that she is tired of "doing it all". In the meantime, the other partner has become used to letting the other do the majority of the housework, or has made attempts to do it and it's not good enough, so has sat back and let it continue in this pattern.
*One person states a generic request: "Can you clean the house while I am gone?" and their versions of "cleaning the house" are two very different things.

The solution largely rests in good communication. We are not mind-readers, unfortunately, and we were all raised with very different versions of cleanliness and roles. A good place to start- have a discussion with your partner about what roles were like in his/her family? What did you envision roles being when you became a couple? You may need to be more clear about expectations when you give a generic request. I have also heard some husbands say they actually LIKE when their wife makes them a list. If this is your partner, you have a choice: Either make the darn list and get things done the way you would like, or continue to be resentful that he can't read your mind/remember what you asked for/etc.
Secondly, you may need to lower your expectations, sit back and let your partner figure things out. So your partner doesn't do everything the way that you would do it. Or doesn't get in the kids ears in the bathtub. Let it go, and enjoy that you have a partner who genuinely doesn't mind that you take some time for yourself to get away and take over the parenting duties. Leaving specific details or criticizing how your partner did things sends the message that he can't handle it.
What can you let go of? Stop overfunctioning, and the hope is that the underfunctioning partner will step closer to fill the space, reducing resentment and leading to a happier, more fulfilling relationship.