"The biggest threat to good marriages is every day living" ~ Bill Doherty, in Take Back Your Marriage
Life can get so into routine, that we often forget to really connect with those who we love. There is a reason that marital satisfaction dips after having kids-- our lives get so wrapped up in taking care of them and our household that we forget what we loved about our partner in the first place. The quote above refers to this: letting the everyday aspects of life-- childcare, housekeeping, work, errands, get in the way of our marriage. It feels like it takes a lot of effort at the end of the day to connect with our spouse, or it feels like there is no time, but really, it doesn't take much effort or time. It takes commitment.
Doherty talks about connection rituals versus routines. Routines are things we do everyday, and we may be spending time with our partner, but it's not necessarily "connecting". Discussing what time Jimmy has to be at soccer practice, or what you're having for supper, or what the plans are for the weekend is not "connecting" because there is not emotion involved. Emotional connection is key to a healthy relationship.
Here are the areas of connection that Doherty stresses in his book, ways that we can make sure we are connecting in our relationship:
1) Connection rituals. Think about how you greet your partner when he/she comes home every day. Is it a brisk, "Hey, can you take the garbage out?" or do you pause to give each other a kiss and hug, and ask how their day was? Couples I see in counseling have often taken the importance of a connecting greeting for granted. They say that the kids demand their immediate attention and are climbing all over them, which leaves little time to greet your partner. Tell the kids that they need wait a bit. They may not like it at first, but eventually they will see that mom/dad are prioritizing their marriage and that this connection is important. They will see that they CAN wait, and still be important. Most importantly, you model behavior to them about a healthy marriage that they can have in their toolbox when they are in their own relationships. Other greetings include leaving in the morning, going to bed, waking up, and even how you talk over email or the phone. Do you dive right into business? Or do you take a moment to check in and emotionally let your partner know that you care how THEY are? Greetings are just one example. Others are leaving notes, sitting and connecting after supper, or doing errands/chores together so that you can talk while doing them. Find a way to incorporate 15 minutes of connection (at least) each day, and you will notice a difference in your relationship.
2. Love rituals. Doherty states that these rituals are a way of saying, "I love you and you are special to me." Some use words, others use action. Dating can be a love ritual, but only if it is a date that you are truly connecting on. Sitting next to each other at a movie theater not talking is not emotionally connecting. Neither is going out with other couples, unless you are all talking about relationships, which is usually not the case. I find when we socialize, we tend to split into gender groups and have female discussions and male discussions. While this kind of activity should not be discounted, it is still not a "love ritual". Love rituals can be verbally saying, "I love you" or "I am so happy to be with you". Going to bed together can also be a love ritual, as can be sex. Couples are frequently unhappy with their sex lives as their relationship lengthens. Are you going to bed at the same time? Are you avoiding each other? Create space for the opportunity! Be mindful.
3. Special occasion rituals. Anniversaries. Birthdays. Valentines Day. I don't know about you, but I put an AWFUL lot of energy into my kids birthdays, planning big parties, decorating, making a huge deal out of being another year older. Why don't we give that same energy to our OWN special occasions? I hear many people feeling quite frustrated that their partner either forgot an important date, or it didn't seem to matter. The key here is that you need to talk to your partner about it. You may have very different ideas of what each one means, and your partner may have no idea how important a day is to you, or that you even want to celebrate. Your choice here is to stew silently in resentment, or talk to your partner about creating some kind of ritual for special days. It does not need to be elaborate or expensive. It does not need to be the same for both people- for example, my husband really could not care less about his birthday, and I LOVE my birthday. That's OK! As long as we both know what the other would want, we're good. You don't need to buy jewelry for Valentine's Day- perhaps a quiet dinner or a heartfelt card is enough. Some people really both do not care about Hallmark holidays. But if you do, speak up! Create something special together. Repeat.
If you would like to see more examples of rituals, check out Doherty's website at http://www.smartmarriages.com/.
