Saturday, January 15, 2011

The Annual Review


I had lunch with a friend yesterday, and we ended up in a discussion about employment reviews. We both shared stories about times in the past where we had felt like we were doing well, until it came time to sit down for the annual review and we remembered feeling disappointed when we were told that we were below expectations or even just “meeting” expectations. What did it take to “exceed” expectations?

This led to discussing communication. I don’t remember having many supervisors ever sitting be down, before or after, to tell me exactly what the expectations were. So how in the world was I ever supposed to move beyond the ubiquitous “meets” expectations? And were they satisfied with meeting expectations, when I considered that just mediocre? Most bosses seemed to be happy that I was merely “meeting” expectations. But I have always strived for more. Expectations are SO subjective that unless they are clearly laid out, people often remain clueless.

During my drive home, I started thinking about how this is a similar issue in relationships. Most people don’t sit down and perform an “annual review” (which should probably be more often) so there is not much of a chance for partners to share their thoughts about how their partners are doing. And your partner often doesn’t know what your expectations are either- so how on earth are THEY supposed to know if they are meeting your expectations nevermind move beyond and EXCEED them?

When I do marriage therapy, I actually have a “Relationship Report Card” that is graded on an A-F scale for several different areas in relationships from household responsibilities to showing love. You can grade your partner on how you think he or she is doing. I like to do this, because it not only shows me the areas that partners aren’t connecting well on, but also shows me that most couples do have areas where there are strengths, and they are scoring above a “C” average.

Consider what an annual review would look like with your partner. Instead of just complaining about where changes need to be made, ask yourself: What are the strengths in our relationship? And in the areas that need improvement, have I clearly explained my expectations? Are my expectations fair? Does it take more effort than the other person is capable of to meet or exceed expectations? Then sit down and have this discussion with your partner (or friend, or family member). Let them share with you. We do it for our job- why wouldn’t we do it for our most important relationships?