Michelle* was giving her baby a bath one evening and all of a sudden a picture popped into her head about the baby sliding under the water. Michelle was horrified by this image, and yanked her baby out of the tub, dried her off and put on her pajamas, weeping the whole time about the thought that she could possibly hurt her child. She decided not to mention this thought to anyone, because she was afraid that if she said it out loud, it might happen. Or worse, someone would think she was “crazy” and take her kids away. As the days went on, she dreaded bath time, as this image seemed to pop up out of her control. Michelle did NOT want to harm her baby, so eventually she asked her husband to start handling bath time.
Is Michelle “going crazy”? No. She is experiencing intrusive thoughts, which are sometimes a symptom within a postpartum mood disorder. Wikipedia defines intrusive thoughts as “unwelcome involuntary thoughts, images, or unpleasant ideas that may become obsessions, are upsetting or distressing, and can be difficult to manage or eliminate.” They are awful to have, but it does not mean that you are going crazy. It does not mean that you are going to act on them. In reality, women who have these types of thoughts very rarely act on them (like less than 1% rarely!). Other examples of intrusive thoughts involve something bad happening, germs, and some people even experience thoughts of a sexual nature. Intrusive thoughts are really hard to talk about, and bring a lot of shame and fear along with them, but they are NOT your fault.
So what to do? Find a trusted professional and talk about the thoughts. I live in Minnesota, where we have Pregnancy and Postpartum Support MN (ppsupportmn.org) which lists providers who are savvy with Postpartum Mood Disorders. Another great resource, if you live elsewhere, is Postpartum Support International (postpartum.net). Find someone who understands. They will help you identify the thoughts and work with them. Sometimes medication can be helpful in reducing these types of thoughts. If you are meeting with a professional who understands Postpartum Mood Disorders, you will not have your children removed or be locked up in a psychiatric hospital- you will get help, education and support to know that you can get through this, and be safe!
*Not her real name
