With my specialty in perinatal mental health, I work with many people who feel shame about their emotions as they navigate new parenthood. Women especially grow up with an image in their heads about what being a mom was going to look like. They envisioned being blissfully pregnant, then having an unmedicated, vaginal birth, followed by a beautiful mother/baby bond that nobody could break. They would hold their baby and attend to every need, knowing exactly what to do.
I have never met anyone who actually had this experience. Have you?
Processing this involves grieving, which means stepping outside of your shame and embarrassment, and learning to accept that you will not get your dreamed of parenthood experience. And that this is OK. Normal, for lack of a better word. There are three main tasks involved in this process, although not everyone will go through these at the same rate, time, and even order. It is also helpful to note that if your partner has his/her emotions about becoming a new parent, s/he may not feel the same way that you do. And this is OK. Talk about it anyways.
Task 1: Getting angry. Many people are raised to feel that anger is not acceptable. You "shouldn't" feel this way, or anger is bad. Anger is not the problem. And anger is fueled by fear and anxiety. So take some time- a day, a week, a month- to understand your anger rather than judge it. Are you angry that you were robbed of your envisioned experience? Are you angry at someone in your life who contributed to this? Let yourself feel that. Journal about it. Write therapeutic letters to the people who you feel have wronged you, or to yourself (note: do NOT send these letters, at least not right now!). Talk about it with a trusted person or therapist. Just don't keep it locked inside, stuffed down by shame.
Task 2: Allowing sadness in. This is another toughie for people. Sadness is often associated with depression, when really- sadness is a normal human emotion. Many men, especially, don't know how to express sadness, as they are raised to believe that it is not OK for boys to cry. Women tend to be more comfortable with sadness, but may feel guilty that they feel sad about their experience- they "should" just be happy that they have a healthy baby now. But reality is, that this is a process, and the more you fight sadness, the longer it will take. So feel it- again, journaling and letter writing can be helpful. Crying to a trusted friend or family member or therapist can also be helpful. Don't resist.
Task 3: Acceptance. First, we must define acceptance. Acceptance does not mean that you are happy with the way things went or turned out. It just means that you accept it. It is what it is. And you may have moments of feeling sad or angry at times, but you find that these are fewer and far between. You don't feel guilty for your feelings any longer. You have a new meaning for your experience, and some people use this meaning to help others.
There is no timeline for these tasks, and they will go more smoothly if you don't fight them. We are all a work in progress!
If you have recently had a baby, and you are finding it overwhelming to parent, help is available! My, and several other MN resources, information are all part of Pregnancy and Postpartum Support MN. See the resource list at www.ppsupportmn.org, or call the PPSM Helpline at 612/787-7776. You are not alone!
