Preparing Your Soil

"You can devote your life to pulling out each single weed as it comes up -- and then ten lifetimes won't be enough for the job. Or you can prepare your soil in such a manner-- by spreading a certain chemical, let us say-- that it will be impossible for weeds to grow. This last is faster."~ Ellsworth Toohey to Peter Keating in The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand

I was so inspired by this metaphor, and it was so timely for the day that I have had, that I had to share it. Toohey is speaking metaphorically (I'm sure that's obvious) about putting out the fires in your life. Many people spend their time being reactive-- and putting fires out as they arise. The reality is that being proactive saves a lot of time and energy.

Ultimately, many of my clients come in not really knowing HOW to be proactive. They lack tools, time and energy, and need a little guidance to become expert firefighters. Here are the three main areas that seem to help people to most.

1) Self-care... I really should not be lecturing about exercise, because I suck at it too (hey, I'm only human!). But the things that we hear, read and see-- exercise, eating right, sleeping enough, building time into your life for relaxation-- are often enough to get some energy back. Start with small realistic changes. Go to bed 15 minutes earlier. Take a walk around the block. Skip that afternoon caramel latte. It all adds up.

2) Build your village.... many many clients, especially new moms, say that they really want more social support but aren't sure how to look for it, or they feel guilty asking for help. STOP! We are social creatures. Ask yourself who in your family may be able to help. Think about people in your neighborhood, school, church. Ask these people who they trust for babysitters and hire one. Join a mom's/dad's group, take a Zumba class, go to Bible study... whatever you did in the past that helped you feel happier and more supported- do it now!

3) Set boundaries... If your metaphorical yard is full of weeds, it's likely that you are giving to much to everyone and not enough to yourself, your marriage, your family, your job, the list goes on and on. Many people, especially women, struggle with saying no or being honest as a way to avoid hurting people's feelings. The problem is that these feelings of resentment that people feel for letting everyone stomp all over their yard gets stuffed and becomes anger, anxiety and depression. Practice telling people, "Let me get back to you" so you can prepare a script to let them down easy when you can't take anything else onto your plate. When you feel guilty, ask yourself if you are being fair to yourself. Did you really do anything wrong? If not, let it go.

Small changes add up! Think about how you will prevent weeds in your yard instead of pulling them!

Asking for help... the other side

I meet many people in both my personal and professional life- and have been guilty of this myself- who have difficulty asking for help. Perhaps it is because they are afraid to bother people. Perhaps it's because they don't know what they want. And perhaps it is because they feel like nobody wants to help them. I would like to put you in the shoes of the other person- the one who is likely sitting there waiting to be asked for help- and hope this can be a useful perspective the next time you find yourself in need.
1) When you don't ask for what you need, you are putting the other person in the position of being a mind-reader. This can be frustrating all around. I have worked with couples in therapy that use a lot of energy wishing that their partner would "just know" what they need. Or that they should know, because their partner knows them better than anyone else, right? This is not fair or realistic. We are not mind-readers (and that works both ways!) so you can save a lot of hurt or resentful feelings by not assuming anything and just being direct.
2) The other person genuinely (usually) really wants to help. How many times, after something tragic happens, do people come up and say, "If you need something, please let me know". Ideally, the person offering could just do something, but more often than not, people just don't know what to do. But they really do want to help, and they really not know what you want or need. Sometimes you really don't want another casserole, or more phone calls, but would really love [insert want/need here]. Take people up on their offers. You are not being a bother.
3) Speaking of directness, I will just say it: sometimes it can just be downright annoying when a person continually refuses to assert their needs. You know the person- the one who complains, and then turns down offers of help or support? And then you hear second (or third) hand that the person is still really in need of your help. This really stirs up a yucky pot of mixed emotions, assumptions and misinformation. If someone offers help, and you really could use help, accept the offer.

I genuinely believe that for the most part, people are good and live by the Golden Rule. If somebody offers help, take it! If you need it, it is OK to ask for it- it doesn't make you a bad person- it makes you human.

Why is it always about you????

My friend Kelly and I had a fun chat yesterday about narcissists, and how they can affect our lives. We started out by laughing about the SNL character "Penelope" (played by Kristen Wiig) and her funny ability to one-up everyone. You can watch her in the video below.




The problem is that when you encounter somebody like this, or even someone that isn't this overtly narcissistic, it's not funny at all. Most of us who are engaged with narcissistic people can't just walk away and disengage. We may be in a relationship with them- our spouse, our parent, our sibling, or a close friend. Or what if it's your boss or co-worker?

So how do you identify a "Penelope" when it isn't as obvious? One thing that Kelly and I talk about in our podcast (link is below) is that when one is in your presence, there is a visceral ickiness that oozes into your pores. I feel like I need to take a shower after they leave because they have brought their shame into my presence and attempted to leave it, spread on me like a very thick layer of peanut butter.
Narcissists, in truth, have such a lack of self-worth on the inside that it is covered with layers and layers of false specialness. The threat at exposing how little they actually think of themselves leads them to spend all of their energy convincing everyone around them (and themselves) of how special and wonderful they are. They talk about their own accomplishments, are incapable of complimenting you on yours, and if someone is in a position above them (which is viewed as a threat) they are eager to divert the attention back to themselves or put the other person down in an effort to feel better about... you guessed it... themselves.

How can you protect yourself? The need is very strong to set boundaries. Narcissists are very unlikely to change, so any attempt to work on a relationship or try to express to them how you feel when you are around them will likely fall flat. A person in a relationship with a narcissist needs to understand that this is NOT PERSONAL and that unfortunately, to stay safe, contact may need to be limited. If that is not possible, the relationship will likely need to be taken down a few notches to a more superficial level.

This process can be very painful. There is generally a grieving process involved, especially if the person is a close relation, in letting go of the dream of what you wish your relationship could be like. So take some time, seek professional help if needed, read a book, and get some perspective.

Good books about narcissism:
"Why Is It Always About You?" by Hotchkiss
"When Will I Ever Be Good Enough" by McBride (this one is about daughters of narcissistic mothers).