Best Books of 2015....

Happy New Year from The Shrink Rap and Stages Counseling (www.stagescounselingmn.com). Here is my annual post about self-help and memoirs that I have read, and found helpful, this past year. Please note that this is only MY opinion.

 For those in a relationship that needs a little tweaking... 
 
Snap Strategies for Couples: 40 Fast Fixes for Everyday Relationship Pitfalls Staheli, Lana
This book is easy to read, not boring or too research-laden and has great tips to try for all couples. I loved how it was not too long, and if a particular "fast fix" was not a problem area for you, you can just skip over that section, and move on to the next one.



For biography lovers... (Or for those who loved SNL in the 90s)

The Chris Farley Show: A Biography in Three Acts   Tom Farley, Jr.
Not a self-help book, per se, but a biography written by Chris Farley's brother about his rise and fall, due to anxiety, low self-esteem and addiction. He interviewed those close to Chris, so it is his own info, then commentary mixed in from others who knew Chris. A great biography.

For those who have had a connection with birth trauma...

Heal Your Birth Story: Releasing the Unexpected   Maureen Campion
This is combination memoir, combination self-help for those who have lived through a traumatic birth, and their partners. It would also be helpful for those, like myself, who are helpers of those who have experienced a traumatic birth. It has great tips and exercises at the end of each chapter. Not a book to sit and read, but rather to digest and use to heal.


For those with a narcissist in their life... 

Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed    Wendy T. Behari
Whether you live with one, work with one, or were raised by one, narcissism is everywhere in many forms. This personality type can leave people feeling quite helpless and hurting. This book is one of the better ones I have read on this subject, and felt very helpful.

For those who wonder if there is any good left in the world... 

Ask Me Why I Hurt: The Kids Nobody Wants and the Doctor Who Heals Them  Randy Christensen
Dr. Christensen in a doctor in Arizona who creates a mobile medical unit to help the homeless youth living on the streets. A great story of hope and a reminder that there are people in the world that really want to make the world a better place.

For those who want something different in their parenting style...

The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children  Shefali Tsabary
Mindfulness is a big buzz word. But do you use it in your parenting? When you feel like you have exhausted your last nerve, this book has some wonderful ways to help you feel empowered as a parent while also empowering your children.

For those who question their value...

Look up for Yes Julia Tavalaro
Another memoir written by a woman in her early 30's who ended up paralyzed and unable to speak. Those around her figured she was a "vegetable", but boy, she proved them wrong. A look at how we all have value and worth!

For parents of tween or teen girls...

The New Puberty: How to Navigate Early Development in Today's Girls  Louise Greenspan
I mostly read this because I have a 10 year old daughter!! But there was great information in it that contradicted a lot of what is out there. Girls are developing earlier, but it's not just about the hormones we are putting in our food. Evidence-based information and great tips for parents while navigating this stage of life.

For those who need to SLOOOOOOW DOOOOOWN...

Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives  Richard A. Swenson
We are all SO busy, busy, busy these days. How do we even try to have balance? Read this book- you will be glad you made the time. 

For postpartum parents who need to know they are not alone...

Inconsolable: How I Threw My Mental Health Out With the Diapers  Marritt Ingman
A memoir about Ingman's experience with motherhood and a postpartum mood disorder. With perinatal mental health being the bread and butter of my therapy practice, it is so important to have real, raw information to recommend. This was a good one. 

If you have read any books that you found helpful this past year, please send me an email at stagescounseling@gmail.com. I will do my best to read it! Thank you, and happy reading!

Old Wounds

As a marriage therapist, one of the biggest reasons couples present for counseling is because they say they want to fight less, and learn how to fight fairly. Many times, they think the solution is just about communication- reducing black/white/all/nothing statements, namecalling, stonewalling... all that good stuff. And while that is important, a bigger part of therapy that will result in deeper connections and healing is uncovering what is beneath the scars, and being vulnerable with each other about those old wounds.

Think back to your common conflicts in your relationships. Really observe what happens- like creating a flowchart in your mind. Where is the breakdown? What is the moment when all hell breaks loose? That is generally where an old wound has been triggered. That is where people will engage in negative behaviors, or shut down. When something from the past, whether childhood or previous relationships, or both, has been reopened. All of your insecurities, worries,

and fears come bleeding out, and you don't know how to stop it.

How to break this painful cycle? Here are some techniques that I have found helpful in my practice:

• When you are both hurting, picture your partner as a child. When old wounds are sliced back open, we emotionally become a much younger age. In fact, many survivors of trauma find themselves stuck at the age they were originally wounded. Instead of holding on to that anger, attempt to connect with the vulnerability that your partner is showing, even in what is sometimes very ugly behavior. This visualization can often result in a much-needed emotional break for you both to regroup and reconnect in a better way. (Note: This does not apply to abusive behavior. If your partner, male or female, is harming you physically, emotionally, or sexually, that is a different topic, and one that requires seeking professional help). 
• Sit down with your partner and make a timeline of the events in your lives that have wounded each of you. This will help you both see where you are vulnerable, and will help you be more aware of what to keep in mind when needing to have emotional conversations or conflict. Share each others events, and help your partner understand why this hurts you- even if it doesn't make sense, or seem logical. When we are in conflict, we are rarely logical. 
• In conjunction with the timeline exercise, have a discussion about each of your families of origin. Talk about events, how conflict was handled (or not handled), how emotions were expressed, if there were emotions that were not allowed to be expressed, abusive behaviors, and other topics that you feel have shaped you. 
• Read the book "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson. It is just SO good, and all about attachment in relationships. It helps couples stick together when they want to push each other away. Enough said.

The key is awareness. Learn what your old wounds are, and be honest- not just with yourself, but with your partner. Take a chance to let him know what has happened that has contributed to that response. This is when true healing can begin. 

The need for attachment

Science is showing that the need for attachment begins even before birth. The in utero environment can impact a fetus's developing brain. After they enter the world, you attach to your baby by making eye contact, holding, cuddling, cooing, feeding and other ways of otherwise nurturing and letting your baby know you are there for them.

Once the "baby stage" ends, they enter toddlerhood. The often tumultuous, emotional time where children want to be both "big kids" and babies all at the same time. This can be frustrating for both parents and children, who do not understand the process that kids are going through developmentally. Watch the video below, which does a much better job than I can of demonstrating the attachment needs of toddlers:

As anyone who has survived the twos, threes and fours of early childhood, it is a no-brainer how challenging and tiring it can be at times for your child to need so much of your energy. It can be overwhelming some days, and not make sense on others. It can feel like a breath of fresh air for kids to become school-aged, and not need those frequent attention and check-ins. Or so it seems...

I have a nine year old daughter who plays hockey. Last weekend, at her hockey game, I had a light bulb moment where I was reminded that this need for safety and security does not end after toddlerhood. My daughter plays goalie- which is a really tough position to watch your child play, BTW- and I noticed that after someone scored on her, she would look up to the stands where we were sitting, needing to check in and make eye contact. I would give her some kind of sign to let her know "It's OK! Keep going!" and she would turn back to the game. I then observed her block a puck, and I was hoping she would look up to me with the excitement I knew she was feeling. But she didn't. I noticed this pattern throughout the game- check in if a goal went in, but stay focused on the game if it didn't. And it occurred to me that she was checking in, just like in the video, seeking reassurance ONLY when she was disappointed, worried, in need of reassurance. A sign of her secure attachment was not seeking out our connection when she was successful- likely because she knows we are proud of her.

As kids get older and become adults, they will continue to search for safety and security. The need to attach to loved ones, to find that secure base, never ends. It just changes.

Preparing Your Soil

"You can devote your life to pulling out each single weed as it comes up -- and then ten lifetimes won't be enough for the job. Or you can prepare your soil in such a manner-- by spreading a certain chemical, let us say-- that it will be impossible for weeds to grow. This last is faster."~ Ellsworth Toohey to Peter Keating in The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand

I was so inspired by this metaphor, and it was so timely for the day that I have had, that I had to share it. Toohey is speaking metaphorically (I'm sure that's obvious) about putting out the fires in your life. Many people spend their time being reactive-- and putting fires out as they arise. The reality is that being proactive saves a lot of time and energy.

Ultimately, many of my clients come in not really knowing HOW to be proactive. They lack tools, time and energy, and need a little guidance to become expert firefighters. Here are the three main areas that seem to help people to most.

1) Self-care... I really should not be lecturing about exercise, because I suck at it too (hey, I'm only human!). But the things that we hear, read and see-- exercise, eating right, sleeping enough, building time into your life for relaxation-- are often enough to get some energy back. Start with small realistic changes. Go to bed 15 minutes earlier. Take a walk around the block. Skip that afternoon caramel latte. It all adds up.

2) Build your village.... many many clients, especially new moms, say that they really want more social support but aren't sure how to look for it, or they feel guilty asking for help. STOP! We are social creatures. Ask yourself who in your family may be able to help. Think about people in your neighborhood, school, church. Ask these people who they trust for babysitters and hire one. Join a mom's/dad's group, take a Zumba class, go to Bible study... whatever you did in the past that helped you feel happier and more supported- do it now!

3) Set boundaries... If your metaphorical yard is full of weeds, it's likely that you are giving to much to everyone and not enough to yourself, your marriage, your family, your job, the list goes on and on. Many people, especially women, struggle with saying no or being honest as a way to avoid hurting people's feelings. The problem is that these feelings of resentment that people feel for letting everyone stomp all over their yard gets stuffed and becomes anger, anxiety and depression. Practice telling people, "Let me get back to you" so you can prepare a script to let them down easy when you can't take anything else onto your plate. When you feel guilty, ask yourself if you are being fair to yourself. Did you really do anything wrong? If not, let it go.

Small changes add up! Think about how you will prevent weeds in your yard instead of pulling them!

Making time for your partner

I'm reading a book about Eve (as in Adam and Eve), and in one chapter, she ends by saying:
"But that summer, away from the Garden and pregnant again, surrounded by so many mindless and repetitive chores and too many mouths that needed and needed again, I felt cut off from Adam, shorn from the main stem of our love, and pruned so far back that any further growth was impossible."

Wow- even EVE felt this way (I know, this is a work of fiction based on research, but still!!). This issue has come up in my work with couples this week, and as a mother of young kids, I understand how hard it is to take care of your marriage, and not feel how much it changes once kids are added to the equation. Some research points to that marriage satisfaction dips as much as 90% when kids enter the relationship! That's a lot!
So how do we take care of our relationships? Why do we feel so inclined to put energy into relationships with co-workers, friends, kids, but not the person who is supposed to be our best friend? Sometimes it is because we don't know how, and sometimes it is because we just take for granted that our best friend will always be there for us. However, the divorce statistics say otherwise. The people having affairs says otherwise.

Some ideas:
1) Start small. Pick one time of the day, and work to set a habit of devoting at least 15 minutes to your partner, where you are sitting and talking about your day, something that is on your heart, just connecting. This CAN be done with kids around! You do not need to entertain your kids 24/7! You are not a bad parent if you tell the kids to keep themselves occupied while you connect with mom or dad. Set a timer, explain to them that this is grown-up time and there will be a consequence for interrupting (unless there is blood or vomit involved- then it's OK). They may interrupt a lot at first, but eventually, they will learn that this time is for grown-ups and they are fine.
2) Make a small sacrifice. Personally, once the kids are in bed, it is "me time", and I do not like giving that up. But sometimes, I have to. Many people feel this way. Or say they are too tired to connect with their partner. But consider this... what if someone else in your life needed 15-30 minutes of your time when it was not super convenient for you. Would you usually make it? Choose to make it for your spouse at least once a week (to start). Yes, you're tired- but you would do it for anyone else: your kids, your boss, your friend, your neighbor... why not your best friend?

Small changes lead to big changes. You will feel more connected and happier in your relationship!
                                                       

Asking for help... the other side

I meet many people in both my personal and professional life- and have been guilty of this myself- who have difficulty asking for help. Perhaps it is because they are afraid to bother people. Perhaps it's because they don't know what they want. And perhaps it is because they feel like nobody wants to help them. I would like to put you in the shoes of the other person- the one who is likely sitting there waiting to be asked for help- and hope this can be a useful perspective the next time you find yourself in need.
1) When you don't ask for what you need, you are putting the other person in the position of being a mind-reader. This can be frustrating all around. I have worked with couples in therapy that use a lot of energy wishing that their partner would "just know" what they need. Or that they should know, because their partner knows them better than anyone else, right? This is not fair or realistic. We are not mind-readers (and that works both ways!) so you can save a lot of hurt or resentful feelings by not assuming anything and just being direct.
2) The other person genuinely (usually) really wants to help. How many times, after something tragic happens, do people come up and say, "If you need something, please let me know". Ideally, the person offering could just do something, but more often than not, people just don't know what to do. But they really do want to help, and they really not know what you want or need. Sometimes you really don't want another casserole, or more phone calls, but would really love [insert want/need here]. Take people up on their offers. You are not being a bother.
3) Speaking of directness, I will just say it: sometimes it can just be downright annoying when a person continually refuses to assert their needs. You know the person- the one who complains, and then turns down offers of help or support? And then you hear second (or third) hand that the person is still really in need of your help. This really stirs up a yucky pot of mixed emotions, assumptions and misinformation. If someone offers help, and you really could use help, accept the offer.

I genuinely believe that for the most part, people are good and live by the Golden Rule. If somebody offers help, take it! If you need it, it is OK to ask for it- it doesn't make you a bad person- it makes you human.

Do you see what I see?

The other night, my husband (who is a volunteer firefighter) and I were having a discussion. There was a car accident, and the victim had to be airlifted. We talked about the time that it takes, waiting for the helicopter to arrive. And my comment was, "When you are waiting, doesn't it feel like forever?" and he replied, "No, it really seems to move along really quickly". To which I responded, "I wonder if it feels quick to the victim".

This brought me to thoughts of perception, how two people can be in the same exact situation and see it in two different ways. And neither is right or wrong. It just is.

Does this happen in your relationships? When you have a conflict, especially, and try as hard as you can to get the other person to "see it your way"? How you're often left feeling hurt or frustrated if you can't get the person to be in your shoes? Or if they don't validate your feelings? Or if you are the one on the other side, and feel your own frustration at not being able to see the other viewpoint, or sway the other person to see it YOUR way.

Just. Stop. Talking.

This isn't about who is right or wrong or who wins. It is about emotion. It is about the frustration, sadness, loneliness, [insert other feeling word here] of not being heard.

If you are the one who is trying to get your point across...

• Try to stay calm, and not get defensive. The listener does not live in your brain, or your shoes, or your reality. You can try to explain what it feels like for you, and if he/she doesn't agree with you, or see it your way, that does not mean you are wrong or that it is personal. The other person has a different reality.


• Ask for what you would like- Do you want to be heard? Validated? Comforted? The listener is not a mind-reader.


• Take a break if tension gets too high. Flooding occurs, and discussion is no longer productive.

If you are the listener...

• Learn how to validate. A simple, "I'm really trying to understand" or "I am so sorry you are having a hard day" can go miles and miles. You don't need to fix- just be there in the moment. Validating doesn't mean that you agree with their reality, or again, that they are right or wrong. It is simply empathizing with their emotion and their perception, and letting them know you are there and not judging them.


• If you are thinking about what you want to say next-- guess what... ? You're not listening. Be in the moment. Let the other person talk, even if you don't agree with or understand what they are saying.


• Ask them for what they need. Perhaps they don't want you to take care of anything. Perhaps they don't need you to say you were wrong, or sorry, or whatever the issue is. Don't assume that you know what they are looking for.

Does the optical illusion above ring a bell? I remember seeing this in school and driving myself buggy seeing both the young woman and the old woman. But it is possible to see both, it just sometimes take effort, and being open to the possibilities!