I've Been Watching You (part 2)

So now for something completely different. You know the cheesy old saying, "When you point the finger at me, there are four fingers pointed back at you"? Cheesy... but true.

A big reason that I decided to work with children (or actually, it was less of a decision and more that I feel like I keep being pushed into it by a higher power) was because I worked with kids during my internship, and saw several parents who had the attitude that if I "fix" their child, everything will be hunky dory. If only it were that easy.

I have had many kids brought into my office for some variation on the following:
"Why does my child lie?"
"Why is my child mean to his brother/sister/friends/schoolmates?"
"Why does my teenager not respect me/follow the rules/break curfew/have no responsibility?"
"Why are girls SO mean?"

While there are definitely tools that we can give our children, another important piece is to take ownership of your own piece of the pizza pie. Our children are ALWAYS watching us. Always. Even when we think they aren't paying attention, they are taking in every word. Even if we think we are hiding how we feel about things, they figure it out. Even if we aren't paying attention to our own actions and behavior, they are. And it starts at a VERY young age.

So take a step back and think about the struggles you have with your child, and how you could possibly be contributing to them. Have you ever called in sick to work when you weren't sick, and your child was listening to that call? Have you gossiped with the neighbor while the kids are playing underfoot? Have you modeled hurtful communication in your relationship while your kids are within earshot? Have you not listened to what your children had to say and invalidated how they feel? Do you do EVERYTHING for them, so that when they leave for college, they still have no idea how to manage time or clean up after themselves?

Being a parent is hard work. I know that I would love to lie about my child's age so that I can get a reduced rate at the movie theater. I have yelled at my kids to "STOP YELLING!" (oops!). And I have for sure said some choice swear words in front of the kids (Hey- I'm human too! And when I stub my toe, it *&^&$%^ hurts!!). Unfortunately, kids cannot see what you model and discern in what situations lying, stealing and swearing are OK. Instead of beating yourself up for this, take accountability, model being able to apologize and explain how you could have handled it differently. Your kids (and their friends and future spouses/partners) will thank you for it later!

"I've been watching you" (part 1)

Note: This is a post that I thought more about and realized that I could write in two different ways. Rather than trying to make them flow together into one entry (that would involve a lot of thinking), I decided that I would write it in two parts.

This past weekend, my kids and I were at the library when they spied the Rodney Atkins CD. My daughter, who is 4 1/2, loudly exclaimed, "Mom! It's the "going through HELL" song!!" As I looked around, hoping that nobody from social services or any of my clients were within earshot, I grabbed the CD so that we could check it out.

Once we got into the van, the other song requested was "I've Been Watching You". This is an endearing song about how much our children learn from us. The first verse of the song goes like this:

Drivin’ through town just my boy and me

With a Happy Meal in his booster seat

Knowin’ that he couldn’t have the toy ‘til his nuggets were gone.

A green traffic light turned straight to red

I hit my brakes and mumbled under my breath.

His fries went a flyin’, and his orange drink covered his lap

Well, then my four year old said a four letter word

It started with “S” and I was concerned

So I said, “Son, now where’d you learn to talk like that?”

Chorus:

He said, "I’ve been watching you, dad ain’t that cool?

I’m your buckaroo, I wanna be like you.

And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are.

We got cowboy boots and camo pants

Yeah, we’re just alike, hey, ain’t we dad?

I want to do everything you do.

So I’ve been watching you."

Like the episode in the library, what parent hasn't had a moment of total failure where they feel like they have done, said, taught the wrong thing? We've sworn, we've yelled, we've been caught doing or saying things that we shouldn't have. And then we start the cycle of beating ourselves up over and over for being a "bad parent".

I know that other parents do this, because not only do I have friends that are parents, I have many clients who come in week after week, berating themselves for not being perfect, or missed opportunities. "I don't play with them enough" "What will they think of me someday?" There is so much pressure to mold our children into wonderful (read: perfect) human beings.

For the most part, these are great parents (the other part will be covered in part 2) and they just need to cut themselves some slack. Kids do not need "perfect" parents. They need parents who are, the majority of the time, attentive, loving and kind. Who are consistent and will provide appropriate discipline, limits and boundaries (is that redundant?).

Keep listening to the song... because it goes on to say:

We got back home and I went to the barn

I bowed my head and I prayed real hard

Said, “Lord, please help me help my stupid self.”

Just this side of bedtime later that night

Turnin’ on my son’s Scooby-Doo nightlight.

He crawled out of bed and he got down on his knees.

He closed his little eyes, folded his little hands

Spoke to God like he was talkin’ to a friend.

And I said, “Son, now where’d you learn to pray like that?”

It is definitely important to be a positive model for our children. However, it's not possible for us to be "perfect" models- we are going to make mistakes. We are going to have bad days. For women, there are hormones involved, for crying out loud!! Focus on the moments when you do model positive values and life lessons, and turn the "bad" ones into teachable moments.