Not what I envisioned... Part 1

When I was inspired by this topic, I realized that I could take this post in two different directions. And since I am not a professional writer, I decided it would make more sense to my readers for me to break this subject up into two different blog posts.

With my specialty in perinatal mental health, I work with many people who feel shame about their emotions as they navigate new parenthood. Women especially grow up with an image in their heads about what being a mom was going to look like. They envisioned being blissfully pregnant, then having an unmedicated, vaginal birth, followed by a beautiful mother/baby bond that nobody could break. They would hold their baby and attend to every need, knowing exactly what to do.

I have never met anyone who actually had this experience. Have you?

Processing this involves grieving, which means stepping outside of your shame and embarrassment, and learning to accept that you will not get your dreamed of parenthood experience. And that this is OK. Normal, for lack of a better word. There are three main tasks involved in this process, although not everyone will go through these at the same rate, time, and even order. It is also helpful to note that if your partner has his/her emotions about becoming a new parent, s/he may not feel the same way that you do. And this is OK. Talk about it anyways.

Task 1: Getting angry. Many people are raised to feel that anger is not acceptable. You "shouldn't" feel this way, or anger is bad. Anger is not the problem. And anger is fueled by fear and anxiety. So take some time- a day, a week, a month- to understand your anger rather than judge it. Are you angry that you were robbed of your envisioned experience? Are you angry at someone in your life who contributed to this? Let yourself feel that. Journal about it. Write therapeutic letters to the people who you feel have wronged you, or to yourself (note: do NOT send these letters, at least not right now!). Talk about it with a trusted person or therapist. Just don't keep it locked inside, stuffed down by shame.

Task 2: Allowing sadness in. This is another toughie for people. Sadness is often associated with depression, when really- sadness is a normal human emotion. Many men, especially, don't know how to express sadness, as they are raised to believe that it is not OK for boys to cry. Women tend to be more comfortable with sadness, but may feel guilty that they feel sad about their experience- they "should" just be happy that they have a healthy baby now. But reality is, that this is a process, and the more you fight sadness, the longer it will take. So feel it- again, journaling and letter writing can be helpful. Crying to a trusted friend or family member or therapist can also be helpful. Don't resist.

Task 3: Acceptance. First, we must define acceptance. Acceptance does not mean that you are happy with the way things went or turned out. It just means that you accept it. It is what it is. And you may have moments of feeling sad or angry at times, but you find that these are fewer and far between. You don't feel guilty for your feelings any longer. You have a new meaning for your experience, and some people use this meaning to help others.

There is no timeline for these tasks, and they will go more smoothly if you don't fight them. We are all a work in progress!

If you have recently had a baby, and you are finding it overwhelming to parent, help is available! My, and several other MN resources, information are all part of Pregnancy and Postpartum Support MN. See the resource list at www.ppsupportmn.org, or call the PPSM Helpline at 612/787-7776. You are not alone!

Happy Anniversary?

On February 18th, we "celebrated" the one year anniversary of my husband's heart attack. It's a reminder that even though we are very happy that we made it beyond the heart attack, that not all anniversaries are happy ones. As the day approached, I started having more thoughts about what had happened. Hoping and praying we never have to go through that again, and at the same time, feeling very blessed that we had made it through it. My husband's experience was different- for him it was just a feeling of disbelief that it had been a whole year already.

I regularly work with clients who notice that as an anniversary of some kind of loss or major negative event approaches- a death, miscarriage, divorce, a loved one's birthday or wedding anniversary- they start having symptoms of anxiety or depression. Panic attacks, difficulty sleeping, nightmares, feeling sad or angry... all of these are very normal reactions to a traumatic experience.

The problem is that our culture doesn't know what to do with these experiences. People tend to minimize the importance of the date as it comes around. Some ignore it altogether. What is the best way to handle this situation?

1) If it is your anniversary reaction, honor it. Give yourself some time to have your emotions about it. That could be journaling, going out with a group of friends or family, or just having a good cry or fit about it. If it was a death, memorializing the event can help. Visiting the cemetary, lighting a candle, watching a video... all of these can actually help you remember that the pain you are feeling is very real, and it doesn't matter if it has been one year or 50. My grandmother lost a daughter on Easter weekend well before I was born- but every Easter weekend, she tended to be a bit melancholy. The intensity may decrease, but the pain never goes away completely.

2) If it someone else's event, it is appropriate to remember it somehow. Give them a card. Send them flowers. Offer to take them out. Or even just sending a note or calling them on the phone can be sufficient. Honoring it somehow lets the survivor know that what they went through was real and was not trivial.

3) If all else fails, you may have to stand up for yourself and ask for what you want. Ask a friend to take you out for a drink. Ask the survivor what would be helpful for them. Sometimes it is hard to know. But the worst thing you can do is ignore the event completely. And at the same time, you can't assume that the other person is feeling a certain way. In my husband's case, he really wasn't struggling with it.

Grief is very uncomfortable, but you don't have to go it alone. As Jillian Michael's said in my yoga video today, "Get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable".