Making time for your partner

I'm reading a book about Eve (as in Adam and Eve), and in one chapter, she ends by saying:
"But that summer, away from the Garden and pregnant again, surrounded by so many mindless and repetitive chores and too many mouths that needed and needed again, I felt cut off from Adam, shorn from the main stem of our love, and pruned so far back that any further growth was impossible."

Wow- even EVE felt this way (I know, this is a work of fiction based on research, but still!!). This issue has come up in my work with couples this week, and as a mother of young kids, I understand how hard it is to take care of your marriage, and not feel how much it changes once kids are added to the equation. Some research points to that marriage satisfaction dips as much as 90% when kids enter the relationship! That's a lot!
So how do we take care of our relationships? Why do we feel so inclined to put energy into relationships with co-workers, friends, kids, but not the person who is supposed to be our best friend? Sometimes it is because we don't know how, and sometimes it is because we just take for granted that our best friend will always be there for us. However, the divorce statistics say otherwise. The people having affairs says otherwise.

Some ideas:
1) Start small. Pick one time of the day, and work to set a habit of devoting at least 15 minutes to your partner, where you are sitting and talking about your day, something that is on your heart, just connecting. This CAN be done with kids around! You do not need to entertain your kids 24/7! You are not a bad parent if you tell the kids to keep themselves occupied while you connect with mom or dad. Set a timer, explain to them that this is grown-up time and there will be a consequence for interrupting (unless there is blood or vomit involved- then it's OK). They may interrupt a lot at first, but eventually, they will learn that this time is for grown-ups and they are fine.
2) Make a small sacrifice. Personally, once the kids are in bed, it is "me time", and I do not like giving that up. But sometimes, I have to. Many people feel this way. Or say they are too tired to connect with their partner. But consider this... what if someone else in your life needed 15-30 minutes of your time when it was not super convenient for you. Would you usually make it? Choose to make it for your spouse at least once a week (to start). Yes, you're tired- but you would do it for anyone else: your kids, your boss, your friend, your neighbor... why not your best friend?

Small changes lead to big changes. You will feel more connected and happier in your relationship!
                                                       

“The best interests of the children”?

My parents divorced when I was 19. I am so grateful (if that word is appropriate?) that I was at an age where I did not have to go through custody arrangements. Although divorce is hard at any age, it is especially difficult on young children. They become the victims. And for every couple that I see who does divorce in a relatively healthy way, I see many more who don’t. Who hide behind the guise of what’s “in the best interests of the children” when really they themselves don’t want to suffer the consequences that divorce doles out.

In my practice as a marriage therapist, divorce is a common word. The hope is to prevent it, but sometimes that just doesn’t happen. Since many people end up divorcing (50%, right??), I decided that I wanted to help people do it better—in a way that is more civil, less emotionally taxing, and less costly—so I went through training to become a mediator. (If you aren’t familiar with mediation- check it out!! It is so much less damaging than a court litigated divorce).

This subject is in the forefront of my mind right now because of a family I am currently working with. The parents are really struggling. And while I believe they both genuinely love their children, they just cannot get it together. One parent has decided that it would be “in the best interests of the children” to go for sole custody. The other is hoping for joint.

The majority of research (I have to say it that way, because one can always find the exception) supports that sole custody is not only rarely awarded, but it is also rarely in the best interests of the children (yes, even in abuse situations). It is also not better for the parents, for that matter. Not only are the court battles that it takes to get sole custody awarded extremely emotional, they often get up into the five and six-figure range in cost. Joint custody has its challenges as well—but in general, the joint-custodial parent stays more involved and is more likely to contribute financially, which benefits families all-around. Parenting is about more than just "seeing" your kids (which sole custody sometimes affords)--it is about being involved in making decisions about their well-being. I have yet to meet a client who has been through divorce who was thankful that their custodial parent minimized contact and input from the other parent—and I have seen some toxic family situations.

No doubt, divorce is difficult. And- there are ways to do it better. Don’t let your anger towards your partner affect your kids. Seek counseling. Seek mediation. Seek out the opinion of a neutral child evaluator if you are truly stuck. Seek out a collaborative attorney. Do your research. The end result will truly be “in the best interests of the children”.