What about dad's village?

I have spent a lot of time this past month focused on maternal mental health. We had the Daisy Dash 5K (our annual fundraiser for PPSM) mid-May, a screening of a documentary on maternal mental health, Dark Side of the Full Moon, and today, spent the day at the Beyond the Baby Blues conference.
When people discuss perinatal mental health, much of the focus is on moms. This is definitely important, as statistics show that 1 in 5 moms will struggle with some form of perinatal mood or anxiety disorder. The numbers may be even higher.

But did you know... dads can also get postpartum depression (PPD)? Depending on which site you are looking at, stats are roughly 1 in 10 dads. That is way more than many people realize, and WAY more than we are talking about.

Why is this?

Men with depression look very different from women with depression. Men are not weepy, sad, or talking about their feelings (in general). They tend to become withdrawn and easy to anger, and pour themselves into their jobs, hobbies, and, sometimes, substances (alcohol or drugs). The odds of depression increase further if the dad has ever experienced depression in the past, and if his partner is depressed.

We need to talk about this. Dads need a "village" too. But their village may look very different, so it's important to recognize this.

Here are some ideas for dads who are struggling postpartum, and really need an outlet for that:

• Self care is important. Aside from sleeping as well as possible, and eating, other things like exercise and time for yourself are key. Is it harder with an infant? Yes. But not impossible. If your partner is struggling too, have a discussion about how you are both going to take care of yourselves. It would benefit you to work out a plan or schedule for this. It may also be necessary to enlist help of others- such as friends or family members who can come be with your partner, so that you do not feel guilty taking time to go to the gym or going out with friends. It may mean asking someone to take the baby for an hour or two so you can go have a date with your significant other. 
• Support... while there is definitely a shortage of men's mental health resources, especially postpartum, it is not impossible to find. Below, I will list some specific resources geared towards men, some specifically for depression, but others just more about the challenges of being a dad. Feeling at times like you don't know what you're doing. Feeling like you aren't sure what to do with a newborn who eats, sleeps, cries and poops. Wondering what happened to your partner.... while men tend to not talk about feelings, it is OK to share your story and speak your truth. 
• Professional help may be a good idea. In my practice, it seems that men have an easier time accepting the idea of taking medication for depression versus going to therapy. AND THIS IS PERFECTLY FINE. If you have felt depressed, down, hopeless, angry, or having thoughts of running away or harming yourself, medication may be an option to explore. If you do decide you would like to talk with someone, whether that is therapy or a support group, it is really important to find someone who is trained in perinatal mental health or understands male depression. Resources like Postpartum Support International, and in Minnesota, Pregnancy and Postpartum Support MN, are great places to look to find people who will get it. It is hard to open up to a stranger about what is supposed to be the greatest event of your life, so make sure you have someone who understands. It is also an option to attend some sessions with your partner. If she is going to therapy, ask if you can come along sometime. She will probably LOVE that, and it is very helpful as a therapist to get both perspectives, and for me to assess depression or anxiety in both members of the couple. 

Dads are SO important. Your relationship with your baby matters too!

Resources:

http://www.postpartummen.com/

PSI: http://www.postpartum.net/family/tips-for-postpartum-dads-and-partners/

Locally (in Minnesota):

PPSM: http://www.ppsupportmn.org/

FaceIt Foundation: http://www.faceitfoundation.org/

Dads groups can be hit or miss. But some places to check are http://www.meetup.com/ and Facebook. PSI also has phone chats for men, and PPSM has a free HelpLine for all new parents and their providers who are in need of resources and support. 

Books:

The Postpartum Husband by Karen Kleiman

I Don't Want to Talk About it by Terry Real

P.S-- there are NO books specifically for dads with PPD!!!

FUN- the new "F" word!

"Yes, fun -- the "F" word, my friends and I would call it, chiding one another to make sure to have some fun each day. We rarely succeeded; the needs of everyone else always got in the way". From "A Year by the Sea" by Joan Anderson

This quote struck me as the way most moms (and probably dads, too!) probably feel. Why don't we allow ourselves to have fun? Here are some excuses that I hear:

1) My own needs come last (AKA, "I don't have time") Somewhere along the way, either someone told you that your needs aren't as important as everyone elses, or it was modeled to you that that was the case. Perhaps your own mother was the "martyr mom", caring so much about everyone else that she was constantly depleted (and probably crabby!). Perhaps someone in your life told you that doing what you like is "selfish", which carries a negative connotation. But have you heard the saying, "If mom (or dad, or wife, etc etc.) ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"? This is true because if your own needs aren't being met, it is carrying over into your other relationships, whether you want to admit it or not. It is likely leaving you feeling depleted and resentful.

2) I feel guilty when I try to relax.  Similar to messages that we get from our family about putting our own needs last, we also can get messages from our families about being "productive". We also get messages from society that we need to be getting things done: we should be working several hours a week, and when we're not at work (if you leave the home for work) then you must be taking care of your house/kids/yard, etc. "Fun" has become a negative word that implies laziness to a point where you may try to relax, but then find yourself with eight million thoughts going through your head about what you "should" be doing.

3) My husband/wife/daughter/son/boss/mom/dad think that "having fun" is a bad thing. Perhaps someone in your life glares at you when you try to sit down and rest. Or you find yourself sitting for a quiet moment and your child needs you to watch them perform their new magic trick for you "right now". Or perhaps you are relaying your weekend to your co-worker and you mention going out for a night with the girls/the guys and the co-worker says, "Oh, how nice for YOU" in a snarky tone.

When you find yourself feeling guilty or questioning if you are allowed to do something fun and unproductive, instead ask yourself what will happen if you continue to not have fun in your life? Picture someone you know who does not allow any fun, and ask yourself if that is who you would like to be. Is that person someone who you want to model to your partner or children? Start small and find some way to insert some fun into your life- a silly song played loudly in your car (instead of returning phone calls) or reading a chapter from a book instead of washing dishes right that moment. Graduate to bigger things, like a night out with your partner, friends or on your own!! Ask yourself how you feel after, and if it is refreshed, not resentful and even MORE productive, then it was worth it.

                                       

Preparing Your Soil

"You can devote your life to pulling out each single weed as it comes up -- and then ten lifetimes won't be enough for the job. Or you can prepare your soil in such a manner-- by spreading a certain chemical, let us say-- that it will be impossible for weeds to grow. This last is faster."~ Ellsworth Toohey to Peter Keating in The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand

I was so inspired by this metaphor, and it was so timely for the day that I have had, that I had to share it. Toohey is speaking metaphorically (I'm sure that's obvious) about putting out the fires in your life. Many people spend their time being reactive-- and putting fires out as they arise. The reality is that being proactive saves a lot of time and energy.

Ultimately, many of my clients come in not really knowing HOW to be proactive. They lack tools, time and energy, and need a little guidance to become expert firefighters. Here are the three main areas that seem to help people to most.

1) Self-care... I really should not be lecturing about exercise, because I suck at it too (hey, I'm only human!). But the things that we hear, read and see-- exercise, eating right, sleeping enough, building time into your life for relaxation-- are often enough to get some energy back. Start with small realistic changes. Go to bed 15 minutes earlier. Take a walk around the block. Skip that afternoon caramel latte. It all adds up.

2) Build your village.... many many clients, especially new moms, say that they really want more social support but aren't sure how to look for it, or they feel guilty asking for help. STOP! We are social creatures. Ask yourself who in your family may be able to help. Think about people in your neighborhood, school, church. Ask these people who they trust for babysitters and hire one. Join a mom's/dad's group, take a Zumba class, go to Bible study... whatever you did in the past that helped you feel happier and more supported- do it now!

3) Set boundaries... If your metaphorical yard is full of weeds, it's likely that you are giving to much to everyone and not enough to yourself, your marriage, your family, your job, the list goes on and on. Many people, especially women, struggle with saying no or being honest as a way to avoid hurting people's feelings. The problem is that these feelings of resentment that people feel for letting everyone stomp all over their yard gets stuffed and becomes anger, anxiety and depression. Practice telling people, "Let me get back to you" so you can prepare a script to let them down easy when you can't take anything else onto your plate. When you feel guilty, ask yourself if you are being fair to yourself. Did you really do anything wrong? If not, let it go.

Small changes add up! Think about how you will prevent weeds in your yard instead of pulling them!