Best Books of 2015....

Happy New Year from The Shrink Rap and Stages Counseling (www.stagescounselingmn.com). Here is my annual post about self-help and memoirs that I have read, and found helpful, this past year. Please note that this is only MY opinion.

 For those in a relationship that needs a little tweaking... 
 
Snap Strategies for Couples: 40 Fast Fixes for Everyday Relationship Pitfalls Staheli, Lana
This book is easy to read, not boring or too research-laden and has great tips to try for all couples. I loved how it was not too long, and if a particular "fast fix" was not a problem area for you, you can just skip over that section, and move on to the next one.



For biography lovers... (Or for those who loved SNL in the 90s)

The Chris Farley Show: A Biography in Three Acts   Tom Farley, Jr.
Not a self-help book, per se, but a biography written by Chris Farley's brother about his rise and fall, due to anxiety, low self-esteem and addiction. He interviewed those close to Chris, so it is his own info, then commentary mixed in from others who knew Chris. A great biography.

For those who have had a connection with birth trauma...

Heal Your Birth Story: Releasing the Unexpected   Maureen Campion
This is combination memoir, combination self-help for those who have lived through a traumatic birth, and their partners. It would also be helpful for those, like myself, who are helpers of those who have experienced a traumatic birth. It has great tips and exercises at the end of each chapter. Not a book to sit and read, but rather to digest and use to heal.


For those with a narcissist in their life... 

Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed    Wendy T. Behari
Whether you live with one, work with one, or were raised by one, narcissism is everywhere in many forms. This personality type can leave people feeling quite helpless and hurting. This book is one of the better ones I have read on this subject, and felt very helpful.

For those who wonder if there is any good left in the world... 

Ask Me Why I Hurt: The Kids Nobody Wants and the Doctor Who Heals Them  Randy Christensen
Dr. Christensen in a doctor in Arizona who creates a mobile medical unit to help the homeless youth living on the streets. A great story of hope and a reminder that there are people in the world that really want to make the world a better place.

For those who want something different in their parenting style...

The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children  Shefali Tsabary
Mindfulness is a big buzz word. But do you use it in your parenting? When you feel like you have exhausted your last nerve, this book has some wonderful ways to help you feel empowered as a parent while also empowering your children.

For those who question their value...

Look up for Yes Julia Tavalaro
Another memoir written by a woman in her early 30's who ended up paralyzed and unable to speak. Those around her figured she was a "vegetable", but boy, she proved them wrong. A look at how we all have value and worth!

For parents of tween or teen girls...

The New Puberty: How to Navigate Early Development in Today's Girls  Louise Greenspan
I mostly read this because I have a 10 year old daughter!! But there was great information in it that contradicted a lot of what is out there. Girls are developing earlier, but it's not just about the hormones we are putting in our food. Evidence-based information and great tips for parents while navigating this stage of life.

For those who need to SLOOOOOOW DOOOOOWN...

Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives  Richard A. Swenson
We are all SO busy, busy, busy these days. How do we even try to have balance? Read this book- you will be glad you made the time. 

For postpartum parents who need to know they are not alone...

Inconsolable: How I Threw My Mental Health Out With the Diapers  Marritt Ingman
A memoir about Ingman's experience with motherhood and a postpartum mood disorder. With perinatal mental health being the bread and butter of my therapy practice, it is so important to have real, raw information to recommend. This was a good one. 

If you have read any books that you found helpful this past year, please send me an email at stagescounseling@gmail.com. I will do my best to read it! Thank you, and happy reading!

What about dad's village?

I have spent a lot of time this past month focused on maternal mental health. We had the Daisy Dash 5K (our annual fundraiser for PPSM) mid-May, a screening of a documentary on maternal mental health, Dark Side of the Full Moon, and today, spent the day at the Beyond the Baby Blues conference.
When people discuss perinatal mental health, much of the focus is on moms. This is definitely important, as statistics show that 1 in 5 moms will struggle with some form of perinatal mood or anxiety disorder. The numbers may be even higher.

But did you know... dads can also get postpartum depression (PPD)? Depending on which site you are looking at, stats are roughly 1 in 10 dads. That is way more than many people realize, and WAY more than we are talking about.

Why is this?

Men with depression look very different from women with depression. Men are not weepy, sad, or talking about their feelings (in general). They tend to become withdrawn and easy to anger, and pour themselves into their jobs, hobbies, and, sometimes, substances (alcohol or drugs). The odds of depression increase further if the dad has ever experienced depression in the past, and if his partner is depressed.

We need to talk about this. Dads need a "village" too. But their village may look very different, so it's important to recognize this.

Here are some ideas for dads who are struggling postpartum, and really need an outlet for that:

• Self care is important. Aside from sleeping as well as possible, and eating, other things like exercise and time for yourself are key. Is it harder with an infant? Yes. But not impossible. If your partner is struggling too, have a discussion about how you are both going to take care of yourselves. It would benefit you to work out a plan or schedule for this. It may also be necessary to enlist help of others- such as friends or family members who can come be with your partner, so that you do not feel guilty taking time to go to the gym or going out with friends. It may mean asking someone to take the baby for an hour or two so you can go have a date with your significant other. 
• Support... while there is definitely a shortage of men's mental health resources, especially postpartum, it is not impossible to find. Below, I will list some specific resources geared towards men, some specifically for depression, but others just more about the challenges of being a dad. Feeling at times like you don't know what you're doing. Feeling like you aren't sure what to do with a newborn who eats, sleeps, cries and poops. Wondering what happened to your partner.... while men tend to not talk about feelings, it is OK to share your story and speak your truth. 
• Professional help may be a good idea. In my practice, it seems that men have an easier time accepting the idea of taking medication for depression versus going to therapy. AND THIS IS PERFECTLY FINE. If you have felt depressed, down, hopeless, angry, or having thoughts of running away or harming yourself, medication may be an option to explore. If you do decide you would like to talk with someone, whether that is therapy or a support group, it is really important to find someone who is trained in perinatal mental health or understands male depression. Resources like Postpartum Support International, and in Minnesota, Pregnancy and Postpartum Support MN, are great places to look to find people who will get it. It is hard to open up to a stranger about what is supposed to be the greatest event of your life, so make sure you have someone who understands. It is also an option to attend some sessions with your partner. If she is going to therapy, ask if you can come along sometime. She will probably LOVE that, and it is very helpful as a therapist to get both perspectives, and for me to assess depression or anxiety in both members of the couple. 

Dads are SO important. Your relationship with your baby matters too!

Resources:

http://www.postpartummen.com/

PSI: http://www.postpartum.net/family/tips-for-postpartum-dads-and-partners/

Locally (in Minnesota):

PPSM: http://www.ppsupportmn.org/

FaceIt Foundation: http://www.faceitfoundation.org/

Dads groups can be hit or miss. But some places to check are http://www.meetup.com/ and Facebook. PSI also has phone chats for men, and PPSM has a free HelpLine for all new parents and their providers who are in need of resources and support. 

Books:

The Postpartum Husband by Karen Kleiman

I Don't Want to Talk About it by Terry Real

P.S-- there are NO books specifically for dads with PPD!!!

Postpartum Depression and Social Media?

I read an article today (http://msrpostpartumstudy.cloudapp.net/) about Microsoft's new study to work on identifying, via social media, if new parents may be suffering from Postpartum Depression (PPD). My initial response was one of excitement. It is truly awesome, and a huge step in the right direction, that a huge conglomerate like Microsoft is stepping up and saying that more needs to be done to recognize PPD, and that we shouldn't be embarrassed to talk about it.
The skeptic in me (I call her "Evil Crystal") creeps out of the woodwork, or into my brain at 11 pm as I am trying to fall asleep, and I start thinking about this research, and what the results will look like. I think back to my own experience with PPD, and did not have Facebook as an outlet. However, I can hypothesize what my posts may have looked like...
"Motherhood is amazing! Having two kids is a breeze and I feel like our family is complete!"
OR
"I <3 being a mom! Every day is a blessing!!!"
OR
"Enjoying every minute!!!"

In reality, here is what I really would have liked to post (but never would have):
"Projectile vomiting... another change of clothes... LOL!"
OR
"Would it be OK for me to duct tape the pacifier to my daughter's face so that she may stop screaming for several hours starting at 4 am (for the fourth morning in a row)?"
OR
"Today, it took every ounce of strength to not carry out my plan to put my daughter down for a nap, pack my son up in the van, and take off to a hotel for the next six months".


PPD is so fraught with shame and embarrassment, and a job hazard of specializing in working with new parents that are struggling is that many of them have shared that they would NEVER tell people that they are having a hard time, or feeling like they may hurt themselves, or having intrusive thoughts. In fact, most of my clients actually talk about how they avoid Facebook like the plague because they see so many "My life is so perfect" themed comments. I have (unfortunately?) become a bit wary and watchful about the comments that are just a little too cheerful. So as much as I am thrilled that more research is being done, I have to admit my skepticism that they will really get solid evidence that people put comments about how hard of a time they are having (beyond, "Yawn, I am tired") for all the world to see. I hope I am wrong.