Old Wounds

As a marriage therapist, one of the biggest reasons couples present for counseling is because they say they want to fight less, and learn how to fight fairly. Many times, they think the solution is just about communication- reducing black/white/all/nothing statements, namecalling, stonewalling... all that good stuff. And while that is important, a bigger part of therapy that will result in deeper connections and healing is uncovering what is beneath the scars, and being vulnerable with each other about those old wounds.

Think back to your common conflicts in your relationships. Really observe what happens- like creating a flowchart in your mind. Where is the breakdown? What is the moment when all hell breaks loose? That is generally where an old wound has been triggered. That is where people will engage in negative behaviors, or shut down. When something from the past, whether childhood or previous relationships, or both, has been reopened. All of your insecurities, worries,

and fears come bleeding out, and you don't know how to stop it.

How to break this painful cycle? Here are some techniques that I have found helpful in my practice:

• When you are both hurting, picture your partner as a child. When old wounds are sliced back open, we emotionally become a much younger age. In fact, many survivors of trauma find themselves stuck at the age they were originally wounded. Instead of holding on to that anger, attempt to connect with the vulnerability that your partner is showing, even in what is sometimes very ugly behavior. This visualization can often result in a much-needed emotional break for you both to regroup and reconnect in a better way. (Note: This does not apply to abusive behavior. If your partner, male or female, is harming you physically, emotionally, or sexually, that is a different topic, and one that requires seeking professional help). 
• Sit down with your partner and make a timeline of the events in your lives that have wounded each of you. This will help you both see where you are vulnerable, and will help you be more aware of what to keep in mind when needing to have emotional conversations or conflict. Share each others events, and help your partner understand why this hurts you- even if it doesn't make sense, or seem logical. When we are in conflict, we are rarely logical. 
• In conjunction with the timeline exercise, have a discussion about each of your families of origin. Talk about events, how conflict was handled (or not handled), how emotions were expressed, if there were emotions that were not allowed to be expressed, abusive behaviors, and other topics that you feel have shaped you. 
• Read the book "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson. It is just SO good, and all about attachment in relationships. It helps couples stick together when they want to push each other away. Enough said.

The key is awareness. Learn what your old wounds are, and be honest- not just with yourself, but with your partner. Take a chance to let him know what has happened that has contributed to that response. This is when true healing can begin. 

Do you see what I see?

The other night, my husband (who is a volunteer firefighter) and I were having a discussion. There was a car accident, and the victim had to be airlifted. We talked about the time that it takes, waiting for the helicopter to arrive. And my comment was, "When you are waiting, doesn't it feel like forever?" and he replied, "No, it really seems to move along really quickly". To which I responded, "I wonder if it feels quick to the victim".

This brought me to thoughts of perception, how two people can be in the same exact situation and see it in two different ways. And neither is right or wrong. It just is.

Does this happen in your relationships? When you have a conflict, especially, and try as hard as you can to get the other person to "see it your way"? How you're often left feeling hurt or frustrated if you can't get the person to be in your shoes? Or if they don't validate your feelings? Or if you are the one on the other side, and feel your own frustration at not being able to see the other viewpoint, or sway the other person to see it YOUR way.

Just. Stop. Talking.

This isn't about who is right or wrong or who wins. It is about emotion. It is about the frustration, sadness, loneliness, [insert other feeling word here] of not being heard.

If you are the one who is trying to get your point across...

• Try to stay calm, and not get defensive. The listener does not live in your brain, or your shoes, or your reality. You can try to explain what it feels like for you, and if he/she doesn't agree with you, or see it your way, that does not mean you are wrong or that it is personal. The other person has a different reality.


• Ask for what you would like- Do you want to be heard? Validated? Comforted? The listener is not a mind-reader.


• Take a break if tension gets too high. Flooding occurs, and discussion is no longer productive.

If you are the listener...

• Learn how to validate. A simple, "I'm really trying to understand" or "I am so sorry you are having a hard day" can go miles and miles. You don't need to fix- just be there in the moment. Validating doesn't mean that you agree with their reality, or again, that they are right or wrong. It is simply empathizing with their emotion and their perception, and letting them know you are there and not judging them.


• If you are thinking about what you want to say next-- guess what... ? You're not listening. Be in the moment. Let the other person talk, even if you don't agree with or understand what they are saying.


• Ask them for what they need. Perhaps they don't want you to take care of anything. Perhaps they don't need you to say you were wrong, or sorry, or whatever the issue is. Don't assume that you know what they are looking for.

Does the optical illusion above ring a bell? I remember seeing this in school and driving myself buggy seeing both the young woman and the old woman. But it is possible to see both, it just sometimes take effort, and being open to the possibilities!

Date night (or day)!!

Yesterday, my husband and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary (Yay us!!). It is a great milestone, and one that feels almost surreal. Wow- 10 years! We were talking about how when we got married, 10 years sounded like an awful long time (well, not "awful" awful, but you know what I mean!).

My husband and I have also talked at great length, prior to getting married even, about what we are going to do to make our marriage a success. I think everyone assumes that because I am a marriage therapist we have a "perfect" marriage. The tools I have help, for sure, but it takes two to work at a marriage. I would like to think we have a great (not perfect) marriage because we both invest and protect it.

My parents divorced when I was 19. One of the observations (in hindsight, of course) about my parents marriage was that they rarely dated each other. This has always been important to me, and something we make the effort to do. So I thought about a way I could incorporate this into my blog this week, in an effort to be helpful.

What has worked for us very well is to plan daytime dates. We both work full-time outside of the home, so one of the advantages we have is that we have childcare during the day. This definitely makes the plan a whole lot easier. For couples who don't have this option, I encourage you to seek out other resources-- family members, teens in the neighborhood, or another parent that you know. Then, once the kids are taken care of (if you have kids), go on your date.

The beauty of daytime dates? I can't name enough reasons. But here are some:

• We're not TIRED!!! This is probably the best thing. There is none of that stifling a yawn, sneakily checking your watch, thinking-- "I would rather be at home getting ready for bed".


• We're not rushed. We have more than a 2-3 hour window in which we don't have to worry about getting home in time for the babysitter to go to a party. Or think about that if we don't get home by 11 pm, we're going to be zombies tomorrow (because our kids internal clocks don't change just because we're out late!!). This means we actually get to spend more time together than we would have during an evening date.


• We actually save money, because we have already budgeted for childcare. We don't have to add the cost of another sitter on top of that. And the stress of finding a sitter, the resentment of the woman feeling like it's always her responsibility to find a sitter (again, the benefits are endless). I know this example may not fit everyone's situation, but it is great for us.


• There are more date options. There are things we can do that are open during the day that aren't available at night. It's also generally less expensive to have lunch at a nice restaurant than supper, or see a matinee at the movie theater. And you don't need reservations!!


• Things are generally less crowded. No long movie lines. Waiting for a table at a restaurant. Shopping crowds. Amusement parks lines.

The reality is that dating can be a difficult thing for many couples. I see many couples who come in and due to children, money, lack of desire... they have not been on dates for quite some time. STOP MAKING EXCUSES. Marriages cannot continue to be put on the back burner until your kids are older and be expected to be happy. I have seen the dangers of child-centered marriages.

Dates do not have to be expensive. You can even stay at home! All we did yesterday was go shopping (and didn't buy much), walked around and had lunch. It was wonderful! Think outside of the box: Go walking at the lake. Have a picnic lunch. Exercise together. Catch a matinee. Get some discounted tickets for a show. It's not WHAT you do-- it's that you're doing something.