Best Books of 2015....

Happy New Year from The Shrink Rap and Stages Counseling (www.stagescounselingmn.com). Here is my annual post about self-help and memoirs that I have read, and found helpful, this past year. Please note that this is only MY opinion.

 For those in a relationship that needs a little tweaking... 
 
Snap Strategies for Couples: 40 Fast Fixes for Everyday Relationship Pitfalls Staheli, Lana
This book is easy to read, not boring or too research-laden and has great tips to try for all couples. I loved how it was not too long, and if a particular "fast fix" was not a problem area for you, you can just skip over that section, and move on to the next one.



For biography lovers... (Or for those who loved SNL in the 90s)

The Chris Farley Show: A Biography in Three Acts   Tom Farley, Jr.
Not a self-help book, per se, but a biography written by Chris Farley's brother about his rise and fall, due to anxiety, low self-esteem and addiction. He interviewed those close to Chris, so it is his own info, then commentary mixed in from others who knew Chris. A great biography.

For those who have had a connection with birth trauma...

Heal Your Birth Story: Releasing the Unexpected   Maureen Campion
This is combination memoir, combination self-help for those who have lived through a traumatic birth, and their partners. It would also be helpful for those, like myself, who are helpers of those who have experienced a traumatic birth. It has great tips and exercises at the end of each chapter. Not a book to sit and read, but rather to digest and use to heal.


For those with a narcissist in their life... 

Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed    Wendy T. Behari
Whether you live with one, work with one, or were raised by one, narcissism is everywhere in many forms. This personality type can leave people feeling quite helpless and hurting. This book is one of the better ones I have read on this subject, and felt very helpful.

For those who wonder if there is any good left in the world... 

Ask Me Why I Hurt: The Kids Nobody Wants and the Doctor Who Heals Them  Randy Christensen
Dr. Christensen in a doctor in Arizona who creates a mobile medical unit to help the homeless youth living on the streets. A great story of hope and a reminder that there are people in the world that really want to make the world a better place.

For those who want something different in their parenting style...

The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children  Shefali Tsabary
Mindfulness is a big buzz word. But do you use it in your parenting? When you feel like you have exhausted your last nerve, this book has some wonderful ways to help you feel empowered as a parent while also empowering your children.

For those who question their value...

Look up for Yes Julia Tavalaro
Another memoir written by a woman in her early 30's who ended up paralyzed and unable to speak. Those around her figured she was a "vegetable", but boy, she proved them wrong. A look at how we all have value and worth!

For parents of tween or teen girls...

The New Puberty: How to Navigate Early Development in Today's Girls  Louise Greenspan
I mostly read this because I have a 10 year old daughter!! But there was great information in it that contradicted a lot of what is out there. Girls are developing earlier, but it's not just about the hormones we are putting in our food. Evidence-based information and great tips for parents while navigating this stage of life.

For those who need to SLOOOOOOW DOOOOOWN...

Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives  Richard A. Swenson
We are all SO busy, busy, busy these days. How do we even try to have balance? Read this book- you will be glad you made the time. 

For postpartum parents who need to know they are not alone...

Inconsolable: How I Threw My Mental Health Out With the Diapers  Marritt Ingman
A memoir about Ingman's experience with motherhood and a postpartum mood disorder. With perinatal mental health being the bread and butter of my therapy practice, it is so important to have real, raw information to recommend. This was a good one. 

If you have read any books that you found helpful this past year, please send me an email at stagescounseling@gmail.com. I will do my best to read it! Thank you, and happy reading!

Old Wounds

As a marriage therapist, one of the biggest reasons couples present for counseling is because they say they want to fight less, and learn how to fight fairly. Many times, they think the solution is just about communication- reducing black/white/all/nothing statements, namecalling, stonewalling... all that good stuff. And while that is important, a bigger part of therapy that will result in deeper connections and healing is uncovering what is beneath the scars, and being vulnerable with each other about those old wounds.

Think back to your common conflicts in your relationships. Really observe what happens- like creating a flowchart in your mind. Where is the breakdown? What is the moment when all hell breaks loose? That is generally where an old wound has been triggered. That is where people will engage in negative behaviors, or shut down. When something from the past, whether childhood or previous relationships, or both, has been reopened. All of your insecurities, worries,

and fears come bleeding out, and you don't know how to stop it.

How to break this painful cycle? Here are some techniques that I have found helpful in my practice:

• When you are both hurting, picture your partner as a child. When old wounds are sliced back open, we emotionally become a much younger age. In fact, many survivors of trauma find themselves stuck at the age they were originally wounded. Instead of holding on to that anger, attempt to connect with the vulnerability that your partner is showing, even in what is sometimes very ugly behavior. This visualization can often result in a much-needed emotional break for you both to regroup and reconnect in a better way. (Note: This does not apply to abusive behavior. If your partner, male or female, is harming you physically, emotionally, or sexually, that is a different topic, and one that requires seeking professional help). 
• Sit down with your partner and make a timeline of the events in your lives that have wounded each of you. This will help you both see where you are vulnerable, and will help you be more aware of what to keep in mind when needing to have emotional conversations or conflict. Share each others events, and help your partner understand why this hurts you- even if it doesn't make sense, or seem logical. When we are in conflict, we are rarely logical. 
• In conjunction with the timeline exercise, have a discussion about each of your families of origin. Talk about events, how conflict was handled (or not handled), how emotions were expressed, if there were emotions that were not allowed to be expressed, abusive behaviors, and other topics that you feel have shaped you. 
• Read the book "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson. It is just SO good, and all about attachment in relationships. It helps couples stick together when they want to push each other away. Enough said.

The key is awareness. Learn what your old wounds are, and be honest- not just with yourself, but with your partner. Take a chance to let him know what has happened that has contributed to that response. This is when true healing can begin. 

FUN- the new "F" word!

"Yes, fun -- the "F" word, my friends and I would call it, chiding one another to make sure to have some fun each day. We rarely succeeded; the needs of everyone else always got in the way". From "A Year by the Sea" by Joan Anderson

This quote struck me as the way most moms (and probably dads, too!) probably feel. Why don't we allow ourselves to have fun? Here are some excuses that I hear:

1) My own needs come last (AKA, "I don't have time") Somewhere along the way, either someone told you that your needs aren't as important as everyone elses, or it was modeled to you that that was the case. Perhaps your own mother was the "martyr mom", caring so much about everyone else that she was constantly depleted (and probably crabby!). Perhaps someone in your life told you that doing what you like is "selfish", which carries a negative connotation. But have you heard the saying, "If mom (or dad, or wife, etc etc.) ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"? This is true because if your own needs aren't being met, it is carrying over into your other relationships, whether you want to admit it or not. It is likely leaving you feeling depleted and resentful.

2) I feel guilty when I try to relax.  Similar to messages that we get from our family about putting our own needs last, we also can get messages from our families about being "productive". We also get messages from society that we need to be getting things done: we should be working several hours a week, and when we're not at work (if you leave the home for work) then you must be taking care of your house/kids/yard, etc. "Fun" has become a negative word that implies laziness to a point where you may try to relax, but then find yourself with eight million thoughts going through your head about what you "should" be doing.

3) My husband/wife/daughter/son/boss/mom/dad think that "having fun" is a bad thing. Perhaps someone in your life glares at you when you try to sit down and rest. Or you find yourself sitting for a quiet moment and your child needs you to watch them perform their new magic trick for you "right now". Or perhaps you are relaying your weekend to your co-worker and you mention going out for a night with the girls/the guys and the co-worker says, "Oh, how nice for YOU" in a snarky tone.

When you find yourself feeling guilty or questioning if you are allowed to do something fun and unproductive, instead ask yourself what will happen if you continue to not have fun in your life? Picture someone you know who does not allow any fun, and ask yourself if that is who you would like to be. Is that person someone who you want to model to your partner or children? Start small and find some way to insert some fun into your life- a silly song played loudly in your car (instead of returning phone calls) or reading a chapter from a book instead of washing dishes right that moment. Graduate to bigger things, like a night out with your partner, friends or on your own!! Ask yourself how you feel after, and if it is refreshed, not resentful and even MORE productive, then it was worth it.

                                       

Making time for your partner

I'm reading a book about Eve (as in Adam and Eve), and in one chapter, she ends by saying:
"But that summer, away from the Garden and pregnant again, surrounded by so many mindless and repetitive chores and too many mouths that needed and needed again, I felt cut off from Adam, shorn from the main stem of our love, and pruned so far back that any further growth was impossible."

Wow- even EVE felt this way (I know, this is a work of fiction based on research, but still!!). This issue has come up in my work with couples this week, and as a mother of young kids, I understand how hard it is to take care of your marriage, and not feel how much it changes once kids are added to the equation. Some research points to that marriage satisfaction dips as much as 90% when kids enter the relationship! That's a lot!
So how do we take care of our relationships? Why do we feel so inclined to put energy into relationships with co-workers, friends, kids, but not the person who is supposed to be our best friend? Sometimes it is because we don't know how, and sometimes it is because we just take for granted that our best friend will always be there for us. However, the divorce statistics say otherwise. The people having affairs says otherwise.

Some ideas:
1) Start small. Pick one time of the day, and work to set a habit of devoting at least 15 minutes to your partner, where you are sitting and talking about your day, something that is on your heart, just connecting. This CAN be done with kids around! You do not need to entertain your kids 24/7! You are not a bad parent if you tell the kids to keep themselves occupied while you connect with mom or dad. Set a timer, explain to them that this is grown-up time and there will be a consequence for interrupting (unless there is blood or vomit involved- then it's OK). They may interrupt a lot at first, but eventually, they will learn that this time is for grown-ups and they are fine.
2) Make a small sacrifice. Personally, once the kids are in bed, it is "me time", and I do not like giving that up. But sometimes, I have to. Many people feel this way. Or say they are too tired to connect with their partner. But consider this... what if someone else in your life needed 15-30 minutes of your time when it was not super convenient for you. Would you usually make it? Choose to make it for your spouse at least once a week (to start). Yes, you're tired- but you would do it for anyone else: your kids, your boss, your friend, your neighbor... why not your best friend?

Small changes lead to big changes. You will feel more connected and happier in your relationship!
                                                       

Do you see what I see?

The other night, my husband (who is a volunteer firefighter) and I were having a discussion. There was a car accident, and the victim had to be airlifted. We talked about the time that it takes, waiting for the helicopter to arrive. And my comment was, "When you are waiting, doesn't it feel like forever?" and he replied, "No, it really seems to move along really quickly". To which I responded, "I wonder if it feels quick to the victim".

This brought me to thoughts of perception, how two people can be in the same exact situation and see it in two different ways. And neither is right or wrong. It just is.

Does this happen in your relationships? When you have a conflict, especially, and try as hard as you can to get the other person to "see it your way"? How you're often left feeling hurt or frustrated if you can't get the person to be in your shoes? Or if they don't validate your feelings? Or if you are the one on the other side, and feel your own frustration at not being able to see the other viewpoint, or sway the other person to see it YOUR way.

Just. Stop. Talking.

This isn't about who is right or wrong or who wins. It is about emotion. It is about the frustration, sadness, loneliness, [insert other feeling word here] of not being heard.

If you are the one who is trying to get your point across...

• Try to stay calm, and not get defensive. The listener does not live in your brain, or your shoes, or your reality. You can try to explain what it feels like for you, and if he/she doesn't agree with you, or see it your way, that does not mean you are wrong or that it is personal. The other person has a different reality.


• Ask for what you would like- Do you want to be heard? Validated? Comforted? The listener is not a mind-reader.


• Take a break if tension gets too high. Flooding occurs, and discussion is no longer productive.

If you are the listener...

• Learn how to validate. A simple, "I'm really trying to understand" or "I am so sorry you are having a hard day" can go miles and miles. You don't need to fix- just be there in the moment. Validating doesn't mean that you agree with their reality, or again, that they are right or wrong. It is simply empathizing with their emotion and their perception, and letting them know you are there and not judging them.


• If you are thinking about what you want to say next-- guess what... ? You're not listening. Be in the moment. Let the other person talk, even if you don't agree with or understand what they are saying.


• Ask them for what they need. Perhaps they don't want you to take care of anything. Perhaps they don't need you to say you were wrong, or sorry, or whatever the issue is. Don't assume that you know what they are looking for.

Does the optical illusion above ring a bell? I remember seeing this in school and driving myself buggy seeing both the young woman and the old woman. But it is possible to see both, it just sometimes take effort, and being open to the possibilities!

Date night (or day)!!

Yesterday, my husband and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary (Yay us!!). It is a great milestone, and one that feels almost surreal. Wow- 10 years! We were talking about how when we got married, 10 years sounded like an awful long time (well, not "awful" awful, but you know what I mean!).

My husband and I have also talked at great length, prior to getting married even, about what we are going to do to make our marriage a success. I think everyone assumes that because I am a marriage therapist we have a "perfect" marriage. The tools I have help, for sure, but it takes two to work at a marriage. I would like to think we have a great (not perfect) marriage because we both invest and protect it.

My parents divorced when I was 19. One of the observations (in hindsight, of course) about my parents marriage was that they rarely dated each other. This has always been important to me, and something we make the effort to do. So I thought about a way I could incorporate this into my blog this week, in an effort to be helpful.

What has worked for us very well is to plan daytime dates. We both work full-time outside of the home, so one of the advantages we have is that we have childcare during the day. This definitely makes the plan a whole lot easier. For couples who don't have this option, I encourage you to seek out other resources-- family members, teens in the neighborhood, or another parent that you know. Then, once the kids are taken care of (if you have kids), go on your date.

The beauty of daytime dates? I can't name enough reasons. But here are some:

• We're not TIRED!!! This is probably the best thing. There is none of that stifling a yawn, sneakily checking your watch, thinking-- "I would rather be at home getting ready for bed".


• We're not rushed. We have more than a 2-3 hour window in which we don't have to worry about getting home in time for the babysitter to go to a party. Or think about that if we don't get home by 11 pm, we're going to be zombies tomorrow (because our kids internal clocks don't change just because we're out late!!). This means we actually get to spend more time together than we would have during an evening date.


• We actually save money, because we have already budgeted for childcare. We don't have to add the cost of another sitter on top of that. And the stress of finding a sitter, the resentment of the woman feeling like it's always her responsibility to find a sitter (again, the benefits are endless). I know this example may not fit everyone's situation, but it is great for us.


• There are more date options. There are things we can do that are open during the day that aren't available at night. It's also generally less expensive to have lunch at a nice restaurant than supper, or see a matinee at the movie theater. And you don't need reservations!!


• Things are generally less crowded. No long movie lines. Waiting for a table at a restaurant. Shopping crowds. Amusement parks lines.

The reality is that dating can be a difficult thing for many couples. I see many couples who come in and due to children, money, lack of desire... they have not been on dates for quite some time. STOP MAKING EXCUSES. Marriages cannot continue to be put on the back burner until your kids are older and be expected to be happy. I have seen the dangers of child-centered marriages.

Dates do not have to be expensive. You can even stay at home! All we did yesterday was go shopping (and didn't buy much), walked around and had lunch. It was wonderful! Think outside of the box: Go walking at the lake. Have a picnic lunch. Exercise together. Catch a matinee. Get some discounted tickets for a show. It's not WHAT you do-- it's that you're doing something.