Violation of Company Policy

I am sure we all know somebody (or have heard of somebody) who was terminated from their job due to "Violation of Company Policy". This could be the person who was using the internet for, ahem, "personal reasons". Or dating a co-worker, or one who had an affair. Stealing office supplies... The point is, companies have rules that they expect you to follow. Most of them involve boundaries and respect (oh, and laws). Most people follow these rules. These rules are generally in writing, and made clear upon the start of the job. Some companies even require that you sign something showing that these rules were explained, and that you understood them, and that there are consequences for not following these rules.

Your relationship should have a "Company Policy", and many do. However, the policy is generally not in writing, generally not made clear to both parties, and generally nothing is signed saying that this "Policy" was explained, understood and what the consequences were for violating this policy.

Often times, we break rules in our relationships that we wouldn't dream of doing in our jobs. If we were running late to work, most people would call their boss and give him/her a heads up. If you made a mistake, or were confused by something that you were working on, there would be a staff meeting to discuss it. Or an apology made with a promise to do better next time. You have an annual review that goes over how you are doing, and where improvement is needed.

Our culture supports the structure and bureaucracy of corporate policies. There is not room for mind-reading. If things aren't in writing, someone could get sued. Unfortunately, our culture does not support the same respect for relationships, where couples would be taught the way to communicate and contract with each other what the expectations and policies are. But you can do this in your own relationship.

Sit down with your partner and ask what the unwritten rules are for your relationship. Where are the boundaries? What do you expect from each other? How do you continually assess how each other is doing? What happens when someone violates a rule? Some couples even choose to put this in writing, sign it, and hang it on their fridge. You can do this, but the most important piece is not leaving your relationship to chance. The consequences are much bigger than getting a warning, or not getting an annual bonus.

"I'm sorry"

"I'm sorry". A short phrase that can mean so many things, and have such loaded emotion, for many people. There are many different ways to apologize. Some people prefer words, while others prefer action. Here are some common relationship issues when it comes to apology. (Note: This blog is written in reference to romantic relationships, but these tips can apply to friendships, co-workers, etc. If you have difficulty in one relationship, there is often difficulty in others).
1) The inability to actually say the words, "I'm sorry". Some people are extremely uncomfortable saying these words, whether because they have difficulty admitting they were wrong or because they truly believe that they didn't do anything wrong. Apology isn't always about admitting you were wrong- although taking accountability for behavior is definitely important- but more about admitting that you hurt the other person. Sometimes there is no right or wrong, but if something hurtful was done, it can cause a lot of damage in a relationship to not take ownership that you recognize the hurt feelings and try to make amends for them.
2) For some, hearing the words is not as important as actually being shown that the other person is sorry. I have worked with couples who have often stated that their partner has difficulty actually saying they are sorry, but that they can tell the other person is sorry because they change their attitude, and do nice things for the other person-- giving a back rub, making a meal, offering to help more around the house. This can be perfectly OK, as long as the other party finds this acceptable, and knows that this is what their partner is trying to do.
3) Some have no difficulty saying they are sorry, but after repeatedly committing the same offense over and over, the words become meaningless. The person hearing the apology holds out hope that maybe this time their partner will actually change their behavior, only to feel let down time after time when that doesn't happen. Apology without change becomes meaningless.
4) Some say they accept the apology, but then their behavior and non-verbals show otherwise. This is a sign of a resentful person showing passive-aggressive behavior. This often leaves the other party feeling confused and hurt as well. Two people feeling hurt and confused in a relationship is not a good thing.
People often learn how to apologize (or not apologize) in their own families of origin. Think about what was modeled in yours, and how you are possibly repeating the pattern in your own relationship. What can you do about that? How was apology modeled in your partner's family of origin? They are likely doing what they learned as well.
Next, have a discussion with your partner about apology. Ask him/her how they like to receive apology. Are the words important, or do actions matter more? Do they want to have both? Try to find a way to give your partner what they are really wanting, and admit that it is hard for you. Ask yourselves what gets in the way of change. Is it your difficulty being vulnerable, or your partner's response? Is it because you don't know exactly what to do? Do you have difficulty receiving apology? Having an open discussion can clarify these things. After all, neither you nor your partner is a mind-reader.
Apology is a skill that most of us were not taught to do well. People can change.

How do you connect?

"The biggest threat to good marriages is every day living" ~ Bill Doherty, in Take Back Your Marriage

Life can get so into routine, that we often forget to really connect with those who we love. There is a reason that marital satisfaction dips after having kids-- our lives get so wrapped up in taking care of them and our household that we forget what we loved about our partner in the first place. The quote above refers to this: letting the everyday aspects of life-- childcare, housekeeping, work, errands, get in the way of our marriage. It feels like it takes a lot of effort at the end of the day to connect with our spouse, or it feels like there is no time, but really, it doesn't take much effort or time. It takes commitment.

Doherty talks about connection rituals versus routines. Routines are things we do everyday, and we may be spending time with our partner, but it's not necessarily "connecting". Discussing what time Jimmy has to be at soccer practice, or what you're having for supper, or what the plans are for the weekend is not "connecting" because there is not emotion involved. Emotional connection is key to a healthy relationship.

Here are the areas of connection that Doherty stresses in his book, ways that we can make sure we are connecting in our relationship:

1) Connection rituals. Think about how you greet your partner when he/she comes home every day. Is it a brisk, "Hey, can you take the garbage out?" or do you pause to give each other a kiss and hug, and ask how their day was? Couples I see in counseling have often taken the importance of a connecting greeting for granted. They say that the kids demand their immediate attention and are climbing all over them, which leaves little time to greet your partner. Tell the kids that they need wait a bit. They may not like it at first, but eventually they will see that mom/dad are prioritizing their marriage and that this connection is important. They will see that they CAN wait, and still be important. Most importantly, you model behavior to them about a healthy marriage that they can have in their toolbox when they are in their own relationships. Other greetings include leaving in the morning, going to bed, waking up, and even how you talk over email or the phone. Do you dive right into business? Or do you take a moment to check in and emotionally let your partner know that you care how THEY are? Greetings are just one example. Others are leaving notes, sitting and connecting after supper, or doing errands/chores together so that you can talk while doing them. Find a way to incorporate 15 minutes of connection (at least) each day, and you will notice a difference in your relationship.

2. Love rituals. Doherty states that these rituals are a way of saying, "I love you and you are special to me." Some use words, others use action. Dating can be a love ritual, but only if it is a date that you are truly connecting on. Sitting next to each other at a movie theater not talking is not emotionally connecting. Neither is going out with other couples, unless you are all talking about relationships, which is usually not the case. I find when we socialize, we tend to split into gender groups and have female discussions and male discussions. While this kind of activity should not be discounted, it is still not a "love ritual". Love rituals can be verbally saying, "I love you" or "I am so happy to be with you". Going to bed together can also be a love ritual, as can be sex. Couples are frequently unhappy with their sex lives as their relationship lengthens. Are you going to bed at the same time? Are you avoiding each other? Create space for the opportunity! Be mindful.

3. Special occasion rituals. Anniversaries. Birthdays. Valentines Day. I don't know about you, but I put an AWFUL lot of energy into my kids birthdays, planning big parties, decorating, making a huge deal out of being another year older. Why don't we give that same energy to our OWN special occasions? I hear many people feeling quite frustrated that their partner either forgot an important date, or it didn't seem to matter. The key here is that you need to talk to your partner about it. You may have very different ideas of what each one means, and your partner may have no idea how important a day is to you, or that you even want to celebrate. Your choice here is to stew silently in resentment, or talk to your partner about creating some kind of ritual for special days. It does not need to be elaborate or expensive. It does not need to be the same for both people- for example, my husband really could not care less about his birthday, and I LOVE my birthday. That's OK! As long as we both know what the other would want, we're good. You don't need to buy jewelry for Valentine's Day- perhaps a quiet dinner or a heartfelt card is enough. Some people really both do not care about Hallmark holidays. But if you do, speak up! Create something special together. Repeat.

If you would like to see more examples of rituals, check out Doherty's website at http://www.smartmarriages.com/.