When Mothers Day isn't happy

Tomorrow is Mothers Day (FYI, if you forgot!) and for many, this is a day of celebration and excitement. The day you are showered with love from those who appreciate that you gave birth to them. (There are moms who DON'T get showered... but that's a whole other blog!). However, for some women, Mothers Day can be downright painful. A day that they feel like climbing under the covers and sleeping the day away, just to not be reminded of the fact that they don't have children to show them love.
In my clinical practice, I specialize in all things pregnancy. Unfortunately, this sometimes includes infertility and loss. Many of these women really struggle with feeling sad, angry, and jealous on Mothers Day. They wish that people would acknowledge what is often the elephant in the room. Often, people just aren't sure WHAT to do or say, because it's uncomfortable, so they ignore it. If you know someone who is in either of these situations, I would like to offer some suggestions to you.

Infertility
For those of you who know someone who has spent many months or years trying to have a baby, Mothers Day is a reminder of what they don't or, in some cases, can't have. For some women, this is very fresh, and some other women have grieved to a point of acceptance so the feelings may not be as intense. It's still best to not ignore this. Here are some things NOT to say:

• I'm so jealous that you got to sleep in this morning. My kids made me a cold/burnt/unhealthy breakfast in bed at 5:30 AM. (A woman who desperately wants women would LOVE to have been woken up to this surprise). 
• I bet by next Mothers Day, you will have one of your own. (You can't say that for sure, and it minimizes that this Mothers Day is painful for her). 
• You can have my kids- HA HA HA... (Again, see the first example. She would love to have your kids!)

Instead, try saying something along the lines of, "How are you doing today? Is Mothers Day a hard day for you?" It is an open-ended question that allows her to either give a short response or elaborate on her feelings. Offer her a hug. Tell her that you are sorry that this is hard for her. Don't tell her you know you feel, unless you do.

Loss
For those who know someone who has experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death, especially if it is recent, it is very common to want to avoid discussing it. It's painful, and many people, as with infertility, just aren't sure what to do or say. Here are some things to NOT say:

• You can always have another one.   (1) You don't know that for sure and 2) It completely dismisses the loss of the baby they are not holding in their arms). 
• He/She is in a better place/This was God's Will/etc. (Moms would really love to have their baby with them to be celebrating Mothers Day, rather than imagining how old the baby would be, or visiting a marker in a cemetary). 
• Anything in the above examples under infertility also applies here.

The biggest difference in a loss situation is that the woman did get to become a mother. Ignoring this fact is incredibly painful. Ask her how she is doing. Ask her if she would like to talk about it. Give her a Mothers Day card. If you can't find one at the card store, a blank one with a heartfelt note will speak volumes.
Ultimately, it is also OK if you just don't know WHAT to do or say. For some situations, there are no words. Your presence, a hug, an acknowledgement of her feelings, is enough. It's OK to say, "I don't know what to say". Just knowing that you are thinking about them and not ignoring their pain is enough.

Am I going to hurt my baby? Am I going crazy?

Michelle* was giving her baby a bath one evening and all of a sudden a picture popped into her head about the baby sliding under the water. Michelle was horrified by this image, and yanked her baby out of the tub, dried her off and put on her pajamas, weeping the whole time about the thought that she could possibly hurt her child. She decided not to mention this thought to anyone, because she was afraid that if she said it out loud, it might happen. Or worse, someone would think she was “crazy” and take her kids away. As the days went on, she dreaded bath time, as this image seemed to pop up out of her control. Michelle did NOT want to harm her baby, so eventually she asked her husband to start handling bath time.

Is Michelle “going crazy”? No. She is experiencing intrusive thoughts, which are sometimes a symptom within a postpartum mood disorder. Wikipedia defines intrusive thoughts as “unwelcome involuntary thoughts, images, or unpleasant ideas that may become obsessions, are upsetting or distressing, and can be difficult to manage or eliminate.” They are awful to have, but it does not mean that you are going crazy. It does not mean that you are going to act on them. In reality, women who have these types of thoughts very rarely act on them (like less than 1% rarely!). Other examples of intrusive thoughts involve something bad happening, germs, and some people even experience thoughts of a sexual nature. Intrusive thoughts are really hard to talk about, and bring a lot of shame and fear along with them, but they are NOT your fault.

So what to do? Find a trusted professional and talk about the thoughts. I live in Minnesota, where we have Pregnancy and Postpartum Support MN (ppsupportmn.org) which lists providers who are savvy with Postpartum Mood Disorders. Another great resource, if you live elsewhere, is Postpartum Support International (postpartum.net). Find someone who understands. They will help you identify the thoughts and work with them. Sometimes medication can be helpful in reducing these types of thoughts. If you are meeting with a professional who understands Postpartum Mood Disorders, you will not have your children removed or be locked up in a psychiatric hospital- you will get help, education and support to know that you can get through this, and be safe!

*Not her real name

Happy Anniversary?

On February 18th, we "celebrated" the one year anniversary of my husband's heart attack. It's a reminder that even though we are very happy that we made it beyond the heart attack, that not all anniversaries are happy ones. As the day approached, I started having more thoughts about what had happened. Hoping and praying we never have to go through that again, and at the same time, feeling very blessed that we had made it through it. My husband's experience was different- for him it was just a feeling of disbelief that it had been a whole year already.

I regularly work with clients who notice that as an anniversary of some kind of loss or major negative event approaches- a death, miscarriage, divorce, a loved one's birthday or wedding anniversary- they start having symptoms of anxiety or depression. Panic attacks, difficulty sleeping, nightmares, feeling sad or angry... all of these are very normal reactions to a traumatic experience.

The problem is that our culture doesn't know what to do with these experiences. People tend to minimize the importance of the date as it comes around. Some ignore it altogether. What is the best way to handle this situation?

1) If it is your anniversary reaction, honor it. Give yourself some time to have your emotions about it. That could be journaling, going out with a group of friends or family, or just having a good cry or fit about it. If it was a death, memorializing the event can help. Visiting the cemetary, lighting a candle, watching a video... all of these can actually help you remember that the pain you are feeling is very real, and it doesn't matter if it has been one year or 50. My grandmother lost a daughter on Easter weekend well before I was born- but every Easter weekend, she tended to be a bit melancholy. The intensity may decrease, but the pain never goes away completely.

2) If it someone else's event, it is appropriate to remember it somehow. Give them a card. Send them flowers. Offer to take them out. Or even just sending a note or calling them on the phone can be sufficient. Honoring it somehow lets the survivor know that what they went through was real and was not trivial.

3) If all else fails, you may have to stand up for yourself and ask for what you want. Ask a friend to take you out for a drink. Ask the survivor what would be helpful for them. Sometimes it is hard to know. But the worst thing you can do is ignore the event completely. And at the same time, you can't assume that the other person is feeling a certain way. In my husband's case, he really wasn't struggling with it.

Grief is very uncomfortable, but you don't have to go it alone. As Jillian Michael's said in my yoga video today, "Get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable".