My New Adventure

Funny...I looked back right before I started writing this post and noticed that the last blog post was titled "Things will never be the same". I am on a new adventure to starting a private practice, and that is about how I am feeling right now. There is no turning back. It has been such a whirlwind of emotion (see Spongebob below) that I think I have probably gone through all five stages of grief at some point. But here I am. Breathing and everything. 

My friend and colleague, Veronica Jacobsen, owner of Baby Love in Eagan, MN, approached me several months ago about renting office space at her business and providing mental health services there. At first, I said no. I am very comfortable where I am now- Clinic Director of a large, thriving practice- and I just do not like change. I like comfortable. Very much, thank you. *cuddles in virtual blanket*

Veronica and I met again a couple of months later, and Veronica told me, "You know I'm holding that space for you, right?" I gave a very hesitant, "I will think about it" and said I had to get through the Daisy Dash 5K first. She was very patient with me, thankfully. But driving home, I started considering possibilities. There are SO many things in the field of perinatal mental health that I would like to do that because of my current position, I just realistically could not do them. Plus, I would definitely be more accessible to new and expectant parents if I were INSIDE of Baby Love (kind of like Starbucks in Target). I found myself getting more and more excited about the prospect of making the change. I talked it over with my husband, who has been wonderfully supportive in almost every idea that I come up with, and there it was... a decision was made to take this chance and join forces with Veronica to see what we can do together. 

I have now given my notice with my current employer, and I am in the process of transitioning my patients. I still go up and down on this wacky rollercoaster ride- excited, scared, sad, nervous... but mostly excited. I love a new challenge, and have been reminded what a great village I have. 

In the meantime, my new website is up, Stages Counseling and people can schedule appointments ONLINE! Which I am very, very excited about. I have a lot more to process and write about, but all in good time. 

More to come...

 

Things Will Never be the Same

Many of the new moms that I work with come in with the goal of "being like my old self". When I was newer to this field, I felt that was a realistic goal. We would discuss what that would look like, and how they would know when they are making progress, as any good therapist should in the process of treatment planning.

However, the longer that I work with this very special population of clients, and the further I get away from my own experience with postpartum depression (PPD), I realize that it is NOT a realistic goal. I also realize that often, people make their new experience to a new phase of their journey and realize that not only is that not a realistic goal, but that going through a perinatal mood/anxiety disorder (or PMAD for short) has strengthened them.

You don't believe me, do you?

You see, going through a PMAD is a life changing event. And in many cases, it is a traumatic one. Having a baby is supposed to be the happiest event in your life. You are supposed to be glowing, and thrilled, and becoming a mother or father should be "natural" and a state of bliss. Right? WRONG. Even for a parent who has not experienced a PMAD, becoming a parent is not always an easy transition. You are sleep deprived, generally feeling awful about your body, feeling incompetent at moments, and have a lack of time for your relationships. Now throw in some depression, anxiety, OCD, birth trauma, a preemie, multiples, etc. etc. etc, and one might be able to see how this could be a life-altering experience.

Living with a PMAD is like creating a line in the middle of your life- "before PMAD" and "after PMAD". Just like any other line with a before and after, there are changes that happen. A PMAD can change how you view the world, and everyone in it. You may become more cynical. You will likely learn who you can (and cannot) count on. You will be reminded that life is not fair. A PMAD can also change your body chemistry so that your brain may not be capable of going back to how it was "before". Generally, with a combination of therapy and self-care, and often, medication, you can return to a very good level of functioning. But you as a person are still different.

There are positives that come out of this experience as well. In hindsight, people are able to look back and see that they didn't realize how strong they were. How resilient they were. How wonderful their partner is, or how their relationship was strengthened as a result of weathering such a storm. But just like going through any major life altering event, like cancer, or a death, you are still not the same person that you were before.

Being the "same" does not mean that you failed. It means accepting that because of this event, you will not be the same. Ever. And that isn't a bad thing. You will be stronger, braver, and healthier. You may have scars, but you have a story of perseverance to go with the scars.

Toxic Workplaces

The theme this past week has been people who are miserable in their jobs. It could be the winter talking, but it could be so much more.
People tend to minimize how much damage working in a toxic work environment can cause. I have met with clients with anxiety and/or depression severe enough to need to apply for a leave of absence (which can be traumatic, in and of itself). I have heard stories of narcissistic bosses that have torn people down and led to a loss of confidence. Ultimately, people end up feeling helpless and stuck.

Here are some ways to identify that you may work in a "toxic" workplace:

• NO appreciation... your boss, makes no effort to give positive feedback to employees. There are no incentives to do a good job. You feel like another faceless pawn, and you either receive no feedback at all, or you only hear the negative. You may ask your boss how you're doing, and get very little back. You may assume "no news is good news" until your annual review (if you get one), where you are unpleasantly surprised to see that your boss thinks are you underperforming. This may be the first you have heard of this. No encouragement, no coaching, no validation. 
• NO boundaries... your boss or co-workers have no qualms about asking inappropriate questions about your personal life. They overshare their own personal information. You may decide to share something personal, only to hear that everyone else has heard about it. You have no personal space, and your possessions are not respected. They may be overly touchy-feely. And despite your requests for space, privacy, and ownership, these requests are not respected, or, worse yet, you are made to feel like you are being "sensitive". 
• NO support... You may be struggling with work or something personal, and the boss doesn't have time to help you. You may go to your Human Resources department to seek out help or file a complaint that falls on deaf ears. You may be turned down for short-term disability. This is the biggest difficulty I have heard from clients-- when they finally get the courage to go to HR, only to be told there is nothing that can be done, or the complaint is never addressed. This is often the last straw for employees who have felt discouraged for a long time. 

So what can you do?
As mentioned above, it is an option to contact HR, if you have a decent HR department, and inquire about short-term disability or FMLA benefits. While this may not work for everyone, it can help you feel like you have options. You can also ask your doctor or therapist, if warranted, to write a letter to your employer that you change your schedule temporarily, be allowed time for appointments, or be allowed to work from home.
If that doesn't work, or it isn't an option, start getting your ducks in a row. Finding a new job is NOT easy, but you can take steps towards doing that. Go to the library and check out some books that will help you update your resume and cover letter. Take some career assessments. Look for classes (many libraries have free ones!) about job searching and updating your resume. Many also have classes that can help you brush up on your computer skills.
Meetup.com is a free networking site to look for local groups, including networking groups. This could lead to potential job leads. I have also seen churches and work centers in our area with networking groups. Many of these are free.
Check out LinkedIn, which is a social media outlet for people looking for jobs (also free). Putting your resume on this website and joining some networking groups may lead to companies contacting you.
A (usually) non-free option is to meet with a career counselor. Community colleges often have some, but there are also independent ones that you can hire to help you determine what your next steps are.

Have you ever worked in a toxic work environment? How did you get through it?