Making meaning of your wounds

This blog post was inspired by this Video. Worth the watch...


This speaker was talking about cancer and about how we process and making meaning of the challenges in our lives. This speaker is a chaplain by training, but also went through her own experience with cancer, and spoke about how we can either learn from our challenges, or become defined by them.

In my counseling practice, I see this happen frequently. People get stuck in the process of wading through the mud of the horrible things that have happened in their lives, and trying to move forward, but feel powerless to do so. And some have an unwillingness to do so.

In the video, the speaker talks about her training as a chaplain, and learning "The Three C's: comfort, clarify and challenge (or confront)". She uses examples for how this applies to her work, and it occurred to me that this is exactly what is done, or should be done, in the therapy process.

Comfort
Our clients are in pain, both physically and emotionally at times, and need us as a source of comfort. Often that comfort comes in the form of giving them a space to talk, vent, cry, yell and purge their pain to someone who is non-judgmental, and a neutral person. As therapists, we have an obligation to provide this. Many are stuck because they feel they have nobody else in their life who can comfort them, or people just don't know how. Or perhaps they have exhausted the people in their lives. This is a great first step to connecting and building trust in therapy, and in healing for the client.

Clarify
Things get harder here. We have to work through the client's experience, and either clarify for ourselves, or help them better see how things really are. Sometimes they are stuck in the perception of their story, or how others see them. Helping them learn how to fact check can be very powerful and healing. It can help them feel understood, and help them take the first step in finding meaning of their experience.

Challenge/Confront
The speaker admits that this is the hard part. And it is also a part where many therapists either don't get to- because clients discontinue therapy- or they don't feel comfortable with this part, so never do it full with the client. And this is a disservice to clients. How many of us therapists have heard stories from clients about previous therapy, where all they got was "smile, nod, and 'tell me how that feels'"? This is not thoroughly helping our clients heal.
But confrontation is hard. It means taking a risk- that your client might get angry with you. That your client may not come back. And perhaps your client isn't ready for this phase yet, but if you don't get to this point, your client will likely never learn how to define him or herself as anything other than a victim.

One of my favorite books ever is "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl, who was a Holocaust survivor. He talks about this same process- how in order to heal, and be resilient, we must make meaning of our traumas. Therapists- you can be such a powerful part of this journey. And clients- you can achieve true healing and find a way to define yourself in other ways than your trauma. Because you are so much more, and you deserve it!

Old Wounds

As a marriage therapist, one of the biggest reasons couples present for counseling is because they say they want to fight less, and learn how to fight fairly. Many times, they think the solution is just about communication- reducing black/white/all/nothing statements, namecalling, stonewalling... all that good stuff. And while that is important, a bigger part of therapy that will result in deeper connections and healing is uncovering what is beneath the scars, and being vulnerable with each other about those old wounds.

Think back to your common conflicts in your relationships. Really observe what happens- like creating a flowchart in your mind. Where is the breakdown? What is the moment when all hell breaks loose? That is generally where an old wound has been triggered. That is where people will engage in negative behaviors, or shut down. When something from the past, whether childhood or previous relationships, or both, has been reopened. All of your insecurities, worries,

and fears come bleeding out, and you don't know how to stop it.

How to break this painful cycle? Here are some techniques that I have found helpful in my practice:

• When you are both hurting, picture your partner as a child. When old wounds are sliced back open, we emotionally become a much younger age. In fact, many survivors of trauma find themselves stuck at the age they were originally wounded. Instead of holding on to that anger, attempt to connect with the vulnerability that your partner is showing, even in what is sometimes very ugly behavior. This visualization can often result in a much-needed emotional break for you both to regroup and reconnect in a better way. (Note: This does not apply to abusive behavior. If your partner, male or female, is harming you physically, emotionally, or sexually, that is a different topic, and one that requires seeking professional help). 
• Sit down with your partner and make a timeline of the events in your lives that have wounded each of you. This will help you both see where you are vulnerable, and will help you be more aware of what to keep in mind when needing to have emotional conversations or conflict. Share each others events, and help your partner understand why this hurts you- even if it doesn't make sense, or seem logical. When we are in conflict, we are rarely logical. 
• In conjunction with the timeline exercise, have a discussion about each of your families of origin. Talk about events, how conflict was handled (or not handled), how emotions were expressed, if there were emotions that were not allowed to be expressed, abusive behaviors, and other topics that you feel have shaped you. 
• Read the book "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson. It is just SO good, and all about attachment in relationships. It helps couples stick together when they want to push each other away. Enough said.

The key is awareness. Learn what your old wounds are, and be honest- not just with yourself, but with your partner. Take a chance to let him know what has happened that has contributed to that response. This is when true healing can begin. 

Not what I envisioned... Part 1

When I was inspired by this topic, I realized that I could take this post in two different directions. And since I am not a professional writer, I decided it would make more sense to my readers for me to break this subject up into two different blog posts.

With my specialty in perinatal mental health, I work with many people who feel shame about their emotions as they navigate new parenthood. Women especially grow up with an image in their heads about what being a mom was going to look like. They envisioned being blissfully pregnant, then having an unmedicated, vaginal birth, followed by a beautiful mother/baby bond that nobody could break. They would hold their baby and attend to every need, knowing exactly what to do.

I have never met anyone who actually had this experience. Have you?

Processing this involves grieving, which means stepping outside of your shame and embarrassment, and learning to accept that you will not get your dreamed of parenthood experience. And that this is OK. Normal, for lack of a better word. There are three main tasks involved in this process, although not everyone will go through these at the same rate, time, and even order. It is also helpful to note that if your partner has his/her emotions about becoming a new parent, s/he may not feel the same way that you do. And this is OK. Talk about it anyways.

Task 1: Getting angry. Many people are raised to feel that anger is not acceptable. You "shouldn't" feel this way, or anger is bad. Anger is not the problem. And anger is fueled by fear and anxiety. So take some time- a day, a week, a month- to understand your anger rather than judge it. Are you angry that you were robbed of your envisioned experience? Are you angry at someone in your life who contributed to this? Let yourself feel that. Journal about it. Write therapeutic letters to the people who you feel have wronged you, or to yourself (note: do NOT send these letters, at least not right now!). Talk about it with a trusted person or therapist. Just don't keep it locked inside, stuffed down by shame.

Task 2: Allowing sadness in. This is another toughie for people. Sadness is often associated with depression, when really- sadness is a normal human emotion. Many men, especially, don't know how to express sadness, as they are raised to believe that it is not OK for boys to cry. Women tend to be more comfortable with sadness, but may feel guilty that they feel sad about their experience- they "should" just be happy that they have a healthy baby now. But reality is, that this is a process, and the more you fight sadness, the longer it will take. So feel it- again, journaling and letter writing can be helpful. Crying to a trusted friend or family member or therapist can also be helpful. Don't resist.

Task 3: Acceptance. First, we must define acceptance. Acceptance does not mean that you are happy with the way things went or turned out. It just means that you accept it. It is what it is. And you may have moments of feeling sad or angry at times, but you find that these are fewer and far between. You don't feel guilty for your feelings any longer. You have a new meaning for your experience, and some people use this meaning to help others.

There is no timeline for these tasks, and they will go more smoothly if you don't fight them. We are all a work in progress!

If you have recently had a baby, and you are finding it overwhelming to parent, help is available! My, and several other MN resources, information are all part of Pregnancy and Postpartum Support MN. See the resource list at www.ppsupportmn.org, or call the PPSM Helpline at 612/787-7776. You are not alone!