Could I be depressed?

In October, a book is being released that deals with depression. I get to toot my own horn for a moment (*toot toot*!) about how proud I am to be included in this compilation of stories about depression, namely my experience with postpartum depression. (More info below)*.



This book is timely as we are entering fall. A time, where, depending on which demographic area you live in, can be very dark (literally!) and difficult for people. The reason the publisher of the book was inspired to create this compilation was because people still struggle to talk about mental health. Is it getting less stigmatized? Slightly. But the fact remains that many people have a hard time admitting they could be depressed and an even harder time reaching out for help.

So....How do I know if I am depressed?


The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (the Bible for psychology people) defines depression as the following:

• Depressed Mood (in kids- yes, kids get depressed too!- this can look more like irritability, withdrawal)


• Reduced level of interest or pleasure in most activities


• Considerable weight loss or gain, or decrease in appetite


• Difficulty falling/staying asleep (insomnia) or sleeping more than usual (hypersomnia)


• Behavior that is agitated or slowed down


• Feeling tired of low energy


• Thoughts of worthlessness or extreme guilt


• Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions


• Frequent thoughts of death or suicide (although I would argue that thoughts don't need to be "frequent" to indicate a problem).

A person needs to have 5+ of these symptoms (not all). Many people minimize their depression by saying or thinking things like, "Well, I'm not thinking about killing myself, so it must not be that bad". The duration of the symptoms have been at least 2 weeks. And typically, the intensity of the symptoms are enough that they are disruptive in your home life, social life, work life, relationships, etc. People tend to start isolating themselves, or struggling at work, or withdrawing from their partners. The lack of sunlight this time of year can cause Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)- which has the same set of symptoms, but they are limited to the fall-winter months. Even if there is a seasonal pattern, the symptoms still need to be taken seriously!

At any rate... reaching out for help IS hard. But there are so many options- support groups, counseling, books, online support, medication, phototherapy (light boxes)- and none of these mean that you have a scarlet letter on your chest indicating your depressed status.

You do not need to suffer in silence.

*The book, "Not Alone" edited by Alise Wright is available on Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/Not-Alone-Stories-Living-Depression/dp/0615532675/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1317389846&sr=8-2

Self-care = Selfish

This has been a common theme this week. I work with many postpartum mamas, and I have had this conversation at least twice this week, how they feel like taking care of themselves is selfish. Wanting to do nice things, wanting time alone, wanting a break from being a mom... you "shouldn't" want those things. You "should" be grateful that you can be a stay-at-home mom/that your baby is healthy/that you get to have a baby/fill in reason here.

Women are socialized to give until it hurts. Their own needs come last, especially when it comes to parenting. So when they want to put their own needs first, if they even give themselves permission to do so, they often find themselves feeling guilty and not enjoying the time anyways.
Why do we do this to ourselves??? There are many reasons-- culture, media, our upbringing, competition among other moms, the list goes on. Some divine intervention led me to this timely passage in my "Radical Acceptance" book (Author- Tara Brach. If you haven't read it, you should!):
"We are encouraged by our culture to keep ourselves comfortable, to be right, to possess things, to be better than others, to look good, to be admired. We are also told that we should feel ashamed of our selfishness, that we are flawed for being so self-centered, sinful when we are indulgent".
What a mixed message. And unfortunately true.

I often pull out the oxygen mask analogy when I am working with moms. You know, when you're on the airplane and the flight attendant tells you to put your own oxygen mask on before assisting small children? And in our heads, we cringe a bit and say that's ridiculous- we would help our kids first. But the truth is that if we as parents aren't breathing, we can't help our children, or anyone else for that matter.

Self-care is your oxygen supply. Take time to think about what fulfills you. Start with basic needs-- sleep, water, food and exercise. Most people, let alone new parents, are not getting these basic needs met. After that, think about what you used to do before having kids-- going out with friends, or on a date with your partner. Going to the coffee shop with a book. Taking your camera and enjoying nature. All of these things are self-care, and are necessary for your mental health. What can you do this long weekend to take care of yourself? It doesn't need to take long. Stop making excuses!

Overfunctioning in relationships

A common refrain I hear when working with adults and couples is, "I do everything- the cooking, cleaning, childcare, and (s)he does nothing". This is generally a resentful person. So resentful that life has become black and white.

If this is how you are feeling, I encourage you to take a step back and explore the possibility that you (yes, you) are contributing to this dynamic- one of the overfunctioning/underfunctioning type.

What? This is MY fault? Well, possibly. Or at least a part of it, anyways.

How does this type of thing happen? Here are some examples (Disclaimer: I am using the gender pronouns that are most common- this is not always the way that it is):
*Wife wants an evening out with friends, but before she does that, she goes through, in great detail, everything that her husband needs to do with the kids in order to feed them, bathe them, get them to bed.
*One person takes the initiative to do something special with the kids, or take care of some chores around the house, only to have the other spouse talk about how he/she would have done it differently.
*One consistently DOES do the majority of the housework for an extended period of time, becomes resentful, and expects her partner to read her mind and know that she is tired of "doing it all". In the meantime, the other partner has become used to letting the other do the majority of the housework, or has made attempts to do it and it's not good enough, so has sat back and let it continue in this pattern.
*One person states a generic request: "Can you clean the house while I am gone?" and their versions of "cleaning the house" are two very different things.

The solution largely rests in good communication. We are not mind-readers, unfortunately, and we were all raised with very different versions of cleanliness and roles. A good place to start- have a discussion with your partner about what roles were like in his/her family? What did you envision roles being when you became a couple? You may need to be more clear about expectations when you give a generic request. I have also heard some husbands say they actually LIKE when their wife makes them a list. If this is your partner, you have a choice: Either make the darn list and get things done the way you would like, or continue to be resentful that he can't read your mind/remember what you asked for/etc.
Secondly, you may need to lower your expectations, sit back and let your partner figure things out. So your partner doesn't do everything the way that you would do it. Or doesn't get in the kids ears in the bathtub. Let it go, and enjoy that you have a partner who genuinely doesn't mind that you take some time for yourself to get away and take over the parenting duties. Leaving specific details or criticizing how your partner did things sends the message that he can't handle it.
What can you let go of? Stop overfunctioning, and the hope is that the underfunctioning partner will step closer to fill the space, reducing resentment and leading to a happier, more fulfilling relationship.