Preparing Your Soil

"You can devote your life to pulling out each single weed as it comes up -- and then ten lifetimes won't be enough for the job. Or you can prepare your soil in such a manner-- by spreading a certain chemical, let us say-- that it will be impossible for weeds to grow. This last is faster."~ Ellsworth Toohey to Peter Keating in The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand

I was so inspired by this metaphor, and it was so timely for the day that I have had, that I had to share it. Toohey is speaking metaphorically (I'm sure that's obvious) about putting out the fires in your life. Many people spend their time being reactive-- and putting fires out as they arise. The reality is that being proactive saves a lot of time and energy.

Ultimately, many of my clients come in not really knowing HOW to be proactive. They lack tools, time and energy, and need a little guidance to become expert firefighters. Here are the three main areas that seem to help people to most.

1) Self-care... I really should not be lecturing about exercise, because I suck at it too (hey, I'm only human!). But the things that we hear, read and see-- exercise, eating right, sleeping enough, building time into your life for relaxation-- are often enough to get some energy back. Start with small realistic changes. Go to bed 15 minutes earlier. Take a walk around the block. Skip that afternoon caramel latte. It all adds up.

2) Build your village.... many many clients, especially new moms, say that they really want more social support but aren't sure how to look for it, or they feel guilty asking for help. STOP! We are social creatures. Ask yourself who in your family may be able to help. Think about people in your neighborhood, school, church. Ask these people who they trust for babysitters and hire one. Join a mom's/dad's group, take a Zumba class, go to Bible study... whatever you did in the past that helped you feel happier and more supported- do it now!

3) Set boundaries... If your metaphorical yard is full of weeds, it's likely that you are giving to much to everyone and not enough to yourself, your marriage, your family, your job, the list goes on and on. Many people, especially women, struggle with saying no or being honest as a way to avoid hurting people's feelings. The problem is that these feelings of resentment that people feel for letting everyone stomp all over their yard gets stuffed and becomes anger, anxiety and depression. Practice telling people, "Let me get back to you" so you can prepare a script to let them down easy when you can't take anything else onto your plate. When you feel guilty, ask yourself if you are being fair to yourself. Did you really do anything wrong? If not, let it go.

Small changes add up! Think about how you will prevent weeds in your yard instead of pulling them!

Postpartum Depression and Social Media?

I read an article today (http://msrpostpartumstudy.cloudapp.net/) about Microsoft's new study to work on identifying, via social media, if new parents may be suffering from Postpartum Depression (PPD). My initial response was one of excitement. It is truly awesome, and a huge step in the right direction, that a huge conglomerate like Microsoft is stepping up and saying that more needs to be done to recognize PPD, and that we shouldn't be embarrassed to talk about it.
The skeptic in me (I call her "Evil Crystal") creeps out of the woodwork, or into my brain at 11 pm as I am trying to fall asleep, and I start thinking about this research, and what the results will look like. I think back to my own experience with PPD, and did not have Facebook as an outlet. However, I can hypothesize what my posts may have looked like...
"Motherhood is amazing! Having two kids is a breeze and I feel like our family is complete!"
OR
"I <3 being a mom! Every day is a blessing!!!"
OR
"Enjoying every minute!!!"

In reality, here is what I really would have liked to post (but never would have):
"Projectile vomiting... another change of clothes... LOL!"
OR
"Would it be OK for me to duct tape the pacifier to my daughter's face so that she may stop screaming for several hours starting at 4 am (for the fourth morning in a row)?"
OR
"Today, it took every ounce of strength to not carry out my plan to put my daughter down for a nap, pack my son up in the van, and take off to a hotel for the next six months".


PPD is so fraught with shame and embarrassment, and a job hazard of specializing in working with new parents that are struggling is that many of them have shared that they would NEVER tell people that they are having a hard time, or feeling like they may hurt themselves, or having intrusive thoughts. In fact, most of my clients actually talk about how they avoid Facebook like the plague because they see so many "My life is so perfect" themed comments. I have (unfortunately?) become a bit wary and watchful about the comments that are just a little too cheerful. So as much as I am thrilled that more research is being done, I have to admit my skepticism that they will really get solid evidence that people put comments about how hard of a time they are having (beyond, "Yawn, I am tired") for all the world to see. I hope I am wrong.

When “Crabby” means “Put me to bed”—Kids and Sleep

As we pass the 4^th of July, I am reminded about sleep deprivation. Over the week, I had the conversation with both personal friends and clients about the importance of sleep for children, and how negative behavior can be so linked with a lack of sleep.

Adults really minimize how important sleep is. I have had several parents say, “Oh, but it’s summer. Kids need to be kids”. While I don’t disagree with that statement, since when does being a kid mean not getting enough sleep?

The fact is, many kids have a set biological clock. My son is 9, and he is at the age where is BEGGING me to be allowed to stay up later (he even polled his friends at school about their bedtime!). I would love to let him do this. However, he is awake at 6:30 AM no matter what time he goes to bed, which means he really needs to be in bed by 8:30. Of course, I have occasionally allowed him to stay up later for special occasions—there are exceptions to every rule—the problem comes when parents consistently minimize the importance of getting enough sleep.

So how much is enough? According to Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, author of “Sleepless in America” (if you haven’t read it- you should! She’s also a local author!), her beliefs are that kids need the following amount of sleep over a 24 hour period (including naps):

• Infant (0-12 mos) 14-18 hours
• Toddler (13-36 mos) 13 hours
• Preschooler (37-60 mos) 12 hours
• School-age (6-12 yrs) 10-11 hours
• Adolescent (13-19 yrs) 9.25 hours
• Adult 20+ 8.25 hours

Kurcinka also talks in her book about how up to 20% of kids diagnosed with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (AKA ADHD) are actually suffering from a sleep disorder. 20%! That's a lot... 

I know, I know. Kids aren’t cookie cutters, but I have really found that most kids benefit from getting the amount of sleep somewhere around these averages. Some kids need even more.

At any rate, there is a huge correlation between lack of sleep and negative behaviors, physical illness, focus/attention difficulties, and hyperactivity. So if your child seems to be irritable, acting out, unfocused, getting sick frequently, etc. it is time to look at sleep hygiene.