The funny thing about triangles....

I have written before about triangulation-- the tendency for people in a rocky relationship to pull a third party into the mix, therefore hoping to stabilize the problem (though it really doesn't). But triangulation can also occur with THINGS.

I am reading Bill Doherty's book "Take Back Your Marriage" (read it!) and he talks a lot in there about triangulating with things, and how these things get in the way of your marriage relationship. I loved this reminder so much, and how he broke things down further, that I thought I would pass the info along to you. Some common triangles...

1. Work... Yes, we have to work. Some people have to work longer hours than others. But if you find yourself bringing work home, or spending more and more hours away from your partner or family because of work, it could spell a problem. Ask yourself if you are using work to avoid dealing with your partner, or the stress at home. If you are, you are triangulating.
2. Hobbies... I know. Men love working on cars. Women love scrapbooking. [Insert other generalization here] but again, ask yourself how much time are you spending on these hobbies? Do you look forward to spending time on your hobby more than spending time with your partner or family? Do you use this as a way to avoid communication?
3. Overscheduling our kids... Kids love activities. And for the most part, activities are good for them. But if you look at your calendar and see Boy Scouts on Monday, swimming on Tuesday, church on Wednesday, karate on Thursday, and then spend all weekend travelling for different sporting events, then your lives are overscheduled. Again, if you feel you are spending more time organizing, attending and planning activities, and you can't remember the last time you had some quality time with your partner, your life is overscheduled, and these activities may be a way to stay "busy" so that you don't have to deal with each other.
4. TV/Internet... This is a big one. Is your TV on at mealtimes? Do you plop yourself down in front of the TV or computer, telling your partner to wait until a commercial? Or that you just have to research one thing? It may not be a problem. But if it is to the detriment of spending quality time together with your partner, or the electronics invade the majority of your free time, it can lead to one resentful mate.

So what to do? The hardest thing about triangulation is trying to point it out to your partner without sounding like you're nagging. Nagging leads to a pursue/withdraw dynamic, where the other partner wants to pull away. In this situation, "I" statements can be helpful. For example: You have just put the kids to bed, and you come downstairs to find your partner plopped on the couch... again. Feeling frustrated, hurt, lonely, your first instinct is to say (or shout, or yell, or drip with sarcasm)-- "You are ALWAYS watching TV. Why don't you just marry it?" Instead, try, "Honey, I have noticed that we spend a lot of our time in the evening with the TV on. I am feeling a bit lonely lately, and would really like it if you could turn the TV off and spend some time talking with me." Another idea would be to plan ahead BEFORE you put the kids to bed and ask specifically for what you would like: "When the kids are in bed, could we spend some quiet time together relaxing?"
Your partner is not a mind-reader. He or she may not even realize how much time is being spent on these outside things. Give the benefit of a doubt, and share how you are feeling and how you see it rather than making assumptions. And if there is a concern that you have real issues that you are avoiding by bringing these other things into your life, seek out a professional.