How do you connect?

"The biggest threat to good marriages is every day living" ~ Bill Doherty, in Take Back Your Marriage

Life can get so into routine, that we often forget to really connect with those who we love. There is a reason that marital satisfaction dips after having kids-- our lives get so wrapped up in taking care of them and our household that we forget what we loved about our partner in the first place. The quote above refers to this: letting the everyday aspects of life-- childcare, housekeeping, work, errands, get in the way of our marriage. It feels like it takes a lot of effort at the end of the day to connect with our spouse, or it feels like there is no time, but really, it doesn't take much effort or time. It takes commitment.

Doherty talks about connection rituals versus routines. Routines are things we do everyday, and we may be spending time with our partner, but it's not necessarily "connecting". Discussing what time Jimmy has to be at soccer practice, or what you're having for supper, or what the plans are for the weekend is not "connecting" because there is not emotion involved. Emotional connection is key to a healthy relationship.

Here are the areas of connection that Doherty stresses in his book, ways that we can make sure we are connecting in our relationship:

1) Connection rituals. Think about how you greet your partner when he/she comes home every day. Is it a brisk, "Hey, can you take the garbage out?" or do you pause to give each other a kiss and hug, and ask how their day was? Couples I see in counseling have often taken the importance of a connecting greeting for granted. They say that the kids demand their immediate attention and are climbing all over them, which leaves little time to greet your partner. Tell the kids that they need wait a bit. They may not like it at first, but eventually they will see that mom/dad are prioritizing their marriage and that this connection is important. They will see that they CAN wait, and still be important. Most importantly, you model behavior to them about a healthy marriage that they can have in their toolbox when they are in their own relationships. Other greetings include leaving in the morning, going to bed, waking up, and even how you talk over email or the phone. Do you dive right into business? Or do you take a moment to check in and emotionally let your partner know that you care how THEY are? Greetings are just one example. Others are leaving notes, sitting and connecting after supper, or doing errands/chores together so that you can talk while doing them. Find a way to incorporate 15 minutes of connection (at least) each day, and you will notice a difference in your relationship.

2. Love rituals. Doherty states that these rituals are a way of saying, "I love you and you are special to me." Some use words, others use action. Dating can be a love ritual, but only if it is a date that you are truly connecting on. Sitting next to each other at a movie theater not talking is not emotionally connecting. Neither is going out with other couples, unless you are all talking about relationships, which is usually not the case. I find when we socialize, we tend to split into gender groups and have female discussions and male discussions. While this kind of activity should not be discounted, it is still not a "love ritual". Love rituals can be verbally saying, "I love you" or "I am so happy to be with you". Going to bed together can also be a love ritual, as can be sex. Couples are frequently unhappy with their sex lives as their relationship lengthens. Are you going to bed at the same time? Are you avoiding each other? Create space for the opportunity! Be mindful.

3. Special occasion rituals. Anniversaries. Birthdays. Valentines Day. I don't know about you, but I put an AWFUL lot of energy into my kids birthdays, planning big parties, decorating, making a huge deal out of being another year older. Why don't we give that same energy to our OWN special occasions? I hear many people feeling quite frustrated that their partner either forgot an important date, or it didn't seem to matter. The key here is that you need to talk to your partner about it. You may have very different ideas of what each one means, and your partner may have no idea how important a day is to you, or that you even want to celebrate. Your choice here is to stew silently in resentment, or talk to your partner about creating some kind of ritual for special days. It does not need to be elaborate or expensive. It does not need to be the same for both people- for example, my husband really could not care less about his birthday, and I LOVE my birthday. That's OK! As long as we both know what the other would want, we're good. You don't need to buy jewelry for Valentine's Day- perhaps a quiet dinner or a heartfelt card is enough. Some people really both do not care about Hallmark holidays. But if you do, speak up! Create something special together. Repeat.

If you would like to see more examples of rituals, check out Doherty's website at http://www.smartmarriages.com/.

The funny thing about triangles....

I have written before about triangulation-- the tendency for people in a rocky relationship to pull a third party into the mix, therefore hoping to stabilize the problem (though it really doesn't). But triangulation can also occur with THINGS.

I am reading Bill Doherty's book "Take Back Your Marriage" (read it!) and he talks a lot in there about triangulating with things, and how these things get in the way of your marriage relationship. I loved this reminder so much, and how he broke things down further, that I thought I would pass the info along to you. Some common triangles...

1. Work... Yes, we have to work. Some people have to work longer hours than others. But if you find yourself bringing work home, or spending more and more hours away from your partner or family because of work, it could spell a problem. Ask yourself if you are using work to avoid dealing with your partner, or the stress at home. If you are, you are triangulating.
2. Hobbies... I know. Men love working on cars. Women love scrapbooking. [Insert other generalization here] but again, ask yourself how much time are you spending on these hobbies? Do you look forward to spending time on your hobby more than spending time with your partner or family? Do you use this as a way to avoid communication?
3. Overscheduling our kids... Kids love activities. And for the most part, activities are good for them. But if you look at your calendar and see Boy Scouts on Monday, swimming on Tuesday, church on Wednesday, karate on Thursday, and then spend all weekend travelling for different sporting events, then your lives are overscheduled. Again, if you feel you are spending more time organizing, attending and planning activities, and you can't remember the last time you had some quality time with your partner, your life is overscheduled, and these activities may be a way to stay "busy" so that you don't have to deal with each other.
4. TV/Internet... This is a big one. Is your TV on at mealtimes? Do you plop yourself down in front of the TV or computer, telling your partner to wait until a commercial? Or that you just have to research one thing? It may not be a problem. But if it is to the detriment of spending quality time together with your partner, or the electronics invade the majority of your free time, it can lead to one resentful mate.

So what to do? The hardest thing about triangulation is trying to point it out to your partner without sounding like you're nagging. Nagging leads to a pursue/withdraw dynamic, where the other partner wants to pull away. In this situation, "I" statements can be helpful. For example: You have just put the kids to bed, and you come downstairs to find your partner plopped on the couch... again. Feeling frustrated, hurt, lonely, your first instinct is to say (or shout, or yell, or drip with sarcasm)-- "You are ALWAYS watching TV. Why don't you just marry it?" Instead, try, "Honey, I have noticed that we spend a lot of our time in the evening with the TV on. I am feeling a bit lonely lately, and would really like it if you could turn the TV off and spend some time talking with me." Another idea would be to plan ahead BEFORE you put the kids to bed and ask specifically for what you would like: "When the kids are in bed, could we spend some quiet time together relaxing?"
Your partner is not a mind-reader. He or she may not even realize how much time is being spent on these outside things. Give the benefit of a doubt, and share how you are feeling and how you see it rather than making assumptions. And if there is a concern that you have real issues that you are avoiding by bringing these other things into your life, seek out a professional.

October is the month for Pregnancy and Mental Health!

This post is a little different in that my goal is to bring to the readers attention some events that are taking place this month, most of them local (sorry to any non-Minnesotan readers). These events do have one thing in common: they all include something related to pregnancy, a cause close to my heart! Hopefully something here will be helpful for you or someone you know. Please pass it on!

• The Twin Cities Birth & Baby Expo is on Saturday, October 15th from 10 am to 3 pm in Minneapolis at the Midtown Global Market. If you are expecting a baby (yes, dads are welcome too!) then this event is for you. Their goal is to connect parents and parents-to-be with local resources and businesses related to adding to your family. Get info on everything from birthing to photography to diapering, and much more. The best part: it's FREE!! More info here: http://www.twincitiesbirthandbaby.com/exhibitors.html. P.S. Pregnancy and Postpartum Support (PPSM) will be there!!
• Saturday, October 15th is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This day honors those who have experienced any kind of pregnancy loss- miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth or infant loss. The goal of this very special day is to provide support to grieving parents and families. Their website http://www.october15th.com/ has great resources and items for purchase that show your support for those in your life who have had a loss.
• Pregnancy and Support Minnesota (PPSM), a non-profit organization, is launching its Support Helpline on Monday, October 17th. This Helpline is a place for those who are struggling with adjusting to pregnancy or postpartum, or for those who care about someone who may be struggling. The Helpline will offer support and resources, and also offers callers the option of being paired with a trained Peer Support Volunteer who can provide ongoing support to make sure people are getting the help they need. If anyone would like to be involved, or would like to know more about the Helpline, please check out PPSM's website http://ppsupportmn.org/
• And finally... yes, I must do it again, the release of "Not Alone:Stories of Living with Depression" ed. by Alise Wright has been released this month. I am proud to be a part of this book, where my story about postpartum depression was included. Here is an excerpt from "The Baby":

I had heard about postpartum depression before, but hadn’t personally known anyone who had struggled with it. Well, at least nobody who ever opened up about it anyway. It’s shameful to admit that I didn’t really want to take care of the baby. That I was sad all of the time. That I counted the minutes until my husband got home so that I could get a break. It was frightening to admit that I had visions of hurting the baby or walking away from her, knowing in my head that that is terrifying and something I would NEVER do. Moms shouldn’t feel or think this way. Moms should be excited and happy and cooing over their little bundle of joy. And when they are covered head to toe with vomit, a good mom will go change clothes with a smile, even if it is has been the third clothing change of the day. Right?

The link to the book, available on Amazon, is here: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_10?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=not+alone+stories+of+living+with+depression&sprefix=not+alone+&x=0&y=0

Chances are, you or someone you has been involved with one of the above situations. It is time to erase the stigma of talking about mood disorders during pregnancy and postpartum. It is time to not feel ashamed to talk about your pregnancy loss, as if it is something you should "get over" and stop making others feel uncomfortable. The leaves are changing this month- make a change in your life!