Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Protecting the Gift


I recently read "Protecting the Gift", a great book by Gavin de Becker. It is all about keeping your kids and teens safe in this world without being a freak. Seriously. Because what parent HASN'T had a freaky moment when they see a scary story on the news about a missing child... or reads the paper and kids are carrying weapons to school and shooting people? I know I have had my moments of panic wondering what could happen when my kids aren't within my eyesight (which, as a working mom, is the majority of the day).

What I loved most about this book is it not only brought things down to a realistic level, exploring things like how truly rare stranger abduction really is, it gave tools so that you, as the reader, can feel like you have some way to protect your child and prepare them to live safely in this world.

This book is especially timely in our house as our son nears an age where he is ready for more independence, and can legally be home alone for a short period of time. He is SO excited-- mom, not so much. There really is no way to prepare for every possible scenario, but I want to pass along to you something from deBecker's book that he calls "The Test of Twelve" that I definitely feel is a springboard for any parent to welcome an open discussion with your child to see how ready they are for more independence. Here we go:

Do your children know...

  1. How to honor their feelings-- if someone makes them uncomfortable, that's an important signal.
  2. You (the parents) are strong enough to hear about any experience they've had, no matter how unpleasant.
  3. It's OK to rebuff and defy adults
  4. It's OK to be assertive
  5. How to ask for assistance or help
  6. How to choose who to ask.
  7. How to describe their peril.
  8. It's OK to strike, even injure, someone if they believe they are in danger, and that you will support any action they take as a result of feeling uncomfortable or afraid.
  9. It's OK to make noise, scream, yell or run.
  10. If someone ever tries to force them to go somewhere, what they scream should include, "This is not my father" (because onlookers seeing a child scream or even struggle are likely to assume the adult is a parent).
  11. If someone says, "Don't yell", the thing to do is yell (and the corollary: If someone says "Don't tell" the thing to do is tell).
  12. To fully resist ever going anywhere out of public view with someone they don't know, and particularly to resist going anywhere with someone who tries to persuade them.
The biggest thing this book stresses is that we, as parents, MUST learn to trust our instincts, even if what we say to someone might hurt feelings. Every single example provided in this book-- parents who have had a child abducted, molested, mistreated, abused (you get the picture)-- looked back in hindsight and said that they IGNORED THEIR GUT. Often out of fear that they didn't want to be rude, or oversensitive.

When it comes to your kids- we can never be too sensitive. And we must teach our children to listen to their guts as well- that is their best protector.