On February 18th, we "celebrated" the one year anniversary of my husband's heart attack. It's a reminder that even though we are very happy that we made it beyond the heart attack, that not all anniversaries are happy ones. As the day approached, I started having more thoughts about what had happened. Hoping and praying we never have to go through that again, and at the same time, feeling very blessed that we had made it through it. My husband's experience was different- for him it was just a feeling of disbelief that it had been a whole year already.
I regularly work with clients who notice that as an anniversary of some kind of loss or major negative event approaches- a death, miscarriage, divorce, a loved one's birthday or wedding anniversary- they start having symptoms of anxiety or depression. Panic attacks, difficulty sleeping, nightmares, feeling sad or angry... all of these are very normal reactions to a traumatic experience.
The problem is that our culture doesn't know what to do with these experiences. People tend to minimize the importance of the date as it comes around. Some ignore it altogether. What is the best way to handle this situation?
1) If it is your anniversary reaction, honor it. Give yourself some time to have your emotions about it. That could be journaling, going out with a group of friends or family, or just having a good cry or fit about it. If it was a death, memorializing the event can help. Visiting the cemetary, lighting a candle, watching a video... all of these can actually help you remember that the pain you are feeling is very real, and it doesn't matter if it has been one year or 50. My grandmother lost a daughter on Easter weekend well before I was born- but every Easter weekend, she tended to be a bit melancholy. The intensity may decrease, but the pain never goes away completely.
2) If it someone else's event, it is appropriate to remember it somehow. Give them a card. Send them flowers. Offer to take them out. Or even just sending a note or calling them on the phone can be sufficient. Honoring it somehow lets the survivor know that what they went through was real and was not trivial.
3) If all else fails, you may have to stand up for yourself and ask for what you want. Ask a friend to take you out for a drink. Ask the survivor what would be helpful for them. Sometimes it is hard to know. But the worst thing you can do is ignore the event completely. And at the same time, you can't assume that the other person is feeling a certain way. In my husband's case, he really wasn't struggling with it.
Grief is very uncomfortable, but you don't have to go it alone. As Jillian Michael's said in my yoga video today, "Get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable".
