Mixed Feelings

My hope was to blog this week on something that could help people cope with the stress of the holidays. As we passed Thanksgiving, and are on our way to Christmas, this can be a really challenging time of year for many people. I think we all know someone who is struggling financially-- either didn't get a raise, got laid off, or can't change jobs due to fear of finding a job that is less stable. We can probably also think of someone who is struggling in their relationship-- separating, divorcing, or fighting often. Some couples are being forced to stay together due to the economy. Many can't afford to divorce.

This topic is especially poignant in my job this time of year, working with women (mostly) who are struggling with pregnancy-related issues. Either they can't get pregnant, or they have experienced a loss of some kind, or they are having some kind of mood disorder that prevents them from enjoying being a mom (and dads struggle with all of these issues too!)
The problem is that people, women especially, struggle with the guilt and shame of feeling sad or angry about their own situation, but trying to be happy for the person in their life that is experiencing good times. This creates a vicious cycle of negative feelings, berating yourself for being "selfish", and trying to be happy for the other person. Then failing miserably because it is nearly impossible to squash your own feelings.

I am here to tell you to STOP squashing your own feelings. It is perfectly normal, albeit uncomfortable, to have these mixed feelings. The problem is that most of us weren't taught how to do this. My hope is to offer you some ideas for ways to get off this ride from hell.
1) Honor your feelings Your feelings are your feelings. Telling yourself that you "shouldn't" feel a certain way or that feeling mad/sad/bitter is "wrong" is just hopping on the spiral into shame. You feel that way- you have good reason. Tell yourself that it is what it is, and allow yourself a mini pity party. It's also OK to set boundaries with yourself by not putting yourself in situations that will be painful (i.e., baby showers), or limiting the amount of time you spend in them. People will understand!
2) Then, after a while, stop the pity party Pity parties can only last so long before they become harmful and damaging. So after you have honored your feelings, find a way to distract yourself. Do something nice for yourself, get together with a friend, see a funny movie. Find a way to create the opposite emotion.
3) Be honest with others If you are having a bad day, tell them. Let them know that you prefer to not see their pictures of the newest addition to the family. Let them know that it is difficult for you today to hear about their latest vacation to Bermuda. It's OK. You can be both honest and kind. That said...
4) Don't assume that others DON'T want to talk about it. This is more advice for the person who is in the awkward position of having a happy life, but knows they are with someone who is struggling and they want to respect that. The danger is that sometimes people make the assumption that the other person doesn't want to talk about their problems, and sometimes this is true. Others-- the person really would love some support and validation that they are struggling and need to get some of their feelings out. So gently ask- "Is there anything I can do? Do you need to talk about [insert here]?"

For those struggling, the holidays can be especially difficult. We are surrounded by a culture of commercialism that sends messages about keeping up with the Joneses. We see glorified family pictures that remind us of what we have to lose. We see lots and lots of babies and pregnant women that remind us of the way our body has failed us. Take care of yourself during this time.

Wouldn't it be nice if they came with directions?

My daughter received the new Baby Alive Baby All Gone at her birthday party last weekend, and she LOVES it. She has played with it a lot, and likes to be a "mommy". This morning, she was being mommy, and I got to be the babysitter, and I decided to take advantage of all of the things this doll can do. After all, the ad for this doll notes that she is "life-like". OK- if life-like is a talking doll that is the size of a newborn with Nellie Oleseon hard plastic curls... then I guess. Ahem... I digress. She has a sippy cup of apple juice (fake, thank God) and a magic spoon that you put into a bowl of bananas and they "disappear" when you put it to her mouth. Baby Alive then proceeds to tell you- in perfect, well-mannered English- "More, please"; "Mmmm... bananas are GOOD", "Thirsty! May I have a drink?" and many more phrases. Baby Alive never cries. Baby Alive always tells you what she wants, with pleases and thank yous. And when you're done playing with Baby Alive, you can put her down and her ever-smiling face will not ask for anything further.

Oh how I wish this were real!

Working with women who are experiencing postpartum mood disorders, there is at least a piece of the anxiety and depression pie that our society contributes to. TV shows with perfect families and moms that are showered and made-up with good hair. Magazines that display stories about celebrities being back to their pre-baby body 6 weeks after giving birth. Moms clubs where moms feel ashamed to talk about what having a baby can REALLY be like- so you leave feeling ashamed and weird that you don't feel that motherhood is 100% blissful.

Playing with Baby Alive made me realize that a lot of this thinking starts in early childhood! Most little girls like to play with dolls and be "mommies". You feed the baby that never cries, never has a diaper blowout, never smears boogers through their hair, never projectile vomits all over your clothes for the seventh time that day... and falls asleep when you put it down. This message is played through media, and by the time the baby comes along, women are led to believe that mothering should be natural- that you just know what to do. You will immediately be back to your pre-baby body, bond with your baby, and get them on a schedule ASAP.

So what can we do about this? Well, I'm not going to take Baby Alive away. That would just be too tramautic. But I do my best to help women and my friends who are pregnant get a dose of reality. Being a mom is GREAT-- but not 100% of the time. You will feel helpless. You may feel sad. You will feel incompetent. You feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility for this needy little bundle. AND-- it's all worth it. But it's hard at first. And just when you have it down, it changes! It will take a LONG time to lose the weight. You may not shower every day. And it's OK to not love every single minute of it. I hope to pass these messages along to my daughter when it's her turn (hopefully far far far down the road) so that if she is struggling, she will talk about it and ask for help.

Until then, we have Baby Alive. "More please!"

Gotta Love John Gottman!!!!

If you look through a lot of my couples books, you will see John Gottman come up a lot. He is wonderful!! For those of you who have never heard of Gottman, he created a "love lab" where he observed couples in conflict and was able to predict within 90+% the likelihood of a divorce based on observations. He then turned this into amazing books about how to make your marriage better. So... I was pleasantly surprised when I picked up another book by him about children called "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child".

Emotional Coaching, as he calls it in his book, is about connecting with your child in a way that validates feelings and prevents a lot of meltdowns. It also teaches kids to have better relationships as they get older, because they model what they were taught. How about that???!!!

The steps to emotion coaching are as follows:

1. Become aware of the child's emotion. (That's easy-- she's throwing Cheerios at me because I told her to turn off the TV! Anger, maybe?)



2. Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching (First, breathe deeply... there, that's better! Now, tell yourself-- "Wow, she's really mad. How can I help her with her feelings AND let her know I understand where she's coming from?)



3. Listen empathetically, validating the child's feelings (Say, "It's really hard when you can't have what you want, isn't it?")



4. Help the child find words to label the emotion he is having (Say, "I can see you are feeling really angry right now.")



5. Set limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem at hand. ("We have to turn the TV off right now, but can you think about what you could watch later on tonight? I heard the new episode of Victorious is on.")

If you haven't guessed already, this happened just last night at my house! Trapped inside on a rainy day, and finally getting a dry spell, I tortured my child by telling her she needed to go burn some energy outside- right before the new iCarly episode was on. *sigh* But I have to say handling it like above really helped. She felt like I could understand her, and it prevented the meltdown and power struggle that it is SO easy to get into. I also helped her see that this is a short-term problem, and I wasn't tellling her she can never watch TV again (she tends to be a little dramatic).

But back to Gottman... I highly recommend this book, especially if you didn't learn these skills in your Family of Origin. It can help you feel like a better parent and more connected to your child. And make life run more smoothly! Gottman also connects the dots about how people are skilled emotion coaches have better marriages! Gee- who knew a little validation and empathy could help a marriage, right???

Children Have Love Languages Too!

One of my favorite subjects is the Five Love Languages (created by Gary Chapman). I use it in my couples work, in my adult work, and a lot in my work with children and parenting. Heck, I even use it my OWN parenting, because I love it so much!

The basis of the Five Love Languages is that there are five basic languages (duh!) and each person has a primary one, sometimes two. It is important to be aware of this because if you are in a relationship with someone whose LL is different than yours, you may not be connecting as well as you could be.

The five LL's are:

1. Acts of Service


2. Words of Affirmation


3. Quality Time


4. Physical Touch


5. Gifts

In my family, my LL is Words of Affirmation, my husband's LL is physical touch (so is my daughter's) and my son's LL is Quality Time. I notice that I would be spending time giving my son a lot of words of affirmation (which is still good) but it wasn't filling his "love tank". So over time, I would feel less connected with him, or notice his behavior being problematic, and it would finally occur to me that we hadn't spent any time alone together for quite a while. I then implemented "date time" which he thrives on, and totally fills his little love tank. My daughter (physical touch) gets her love tank filled with cuddles and hugs. She is happy to just be NEAR you, and if she doesn't get that, it shows in her behavior as well.

So how do you identify people's LL's? Aside from reading Chapman's books (which I highly recommend) observation is key. Think about how your child shows love to you and to others. Think about times when he or she really seems to be thriving.
*If you child seeks out time with you or asks you play with him/her often, or wants frequent time with friends-- Quality Time
*If your child likes to make you things, draw you pictures, or seems to really be set on possessions-- Gifts
*If your child really likes to do things for you, help you out with things, helps others-- Acts of Service
*If your child thrives on compliments, or seeks them out, or even tells you about the nice things that other say-- Words of Affirmation
*If your child is very touchy/feely, wants to be close to you, holds hand with friends-- Physical Touch

Wouldn't it be nice if everyone had their LL tatooed on their forehead?? But since they don't- observe. Ask. Pay attention.

How We Can Learn From Children

In my practice, I see so many adults who have lost touch with the basics of self-care: sleeping well, eating right, exercising, hobbies, sharing feelings... and it struck me, as I observe children, and really paid attention to what they do (and what we as parents do for them), I wondered where we lose these basics? Why do we make sure our children have these basic needs met, but we minimize the importance of our own basic needs?
Let's look at them each in more detail...
Sleep This is a big one. Most adults don't get enough sleep. When you look at children, those who are well-rested anyways, they are on a "schedule". I know that when my kids were infants, I was a total sleep Nazi. I made sure that nothing interfered with nap or bedtime, even if it meant missing a birthday party, or showing up late for an event. I treasured their sleep schedule like a fragile egg. Because hey- we all know that a well-rested child is a happy child. So why do we, as adults, expect to function well with no sleep schedule, and not enough hours of sleep? Sure- most of us aren't laying on the ground crying and throwing a tantrum, but we feel like we want to on the inside. Adults function better if they consistently get to bed around the same time each night, wake up the same time in the morning (even on weekends) and get enough hours of sleep (7-8 hours for most adults).
Eating right Kids are like little sheep: they graze most of the day. If you pay close attention, kids tend to eat three meals and three snacks a day. And if you read articles about nutrition, it is recommended that adults eat 5-6 mini-meals per day. Hmm.... just like kids do! So, with the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, we tell ourselves it's OK to skip breakfast, binge at lunch, then be sleepy all afternoon, only to eat a carb-laden supper and then sit around all evening feeling bloated. If adults ate more like children, blood sugars would be more stable, mood would feel more positive, and they would notice a more consistent level of energy throughout the day.
Exercising Do I need to say more about this? Just watch kids for a while- if they go ANYWHERE, the aren't walking there, they are running. I once had a friend tell me that this was going to be his next exercise plan. Go to the mailbox- run there. Go to the car- run there. That's what kids do- and they feel better because of it.
Hobbies When I meet with a new patient, and work on getting to know him or her, I spend time asking what they enjoy doing with their free time. Unfortunately, more often than not, I hear "I'm not sure what I like to do". Often, this is a result of having kids, a marriage and a career, and along with this comes the loss of who that person is as an individual. Kids don't mind that they only have ten minutes to break out the paints and make a picture. They do it anyways, trying to squeeze in every amount of fun that they can. Adults grumble about the lack of time and energy, and lose sight of what they enjoy. So if you only have 10-15 minutes, that's OK! Break out your book and read a chapter. Write an entry in your journal. Go outside and snap some photos. You don't need a large chunk of time to enjoy life.
Feelings You don't have to be around little kids long to see an expression of emotion. When they're tired, hungry, scared, mad, sad, etc. you know it. They scream, cry, lash out, throw themselves on the ground kicking and screaming. Yes, it is our job as parents to teach our children more appropriate ways of expressing their emotions. It's not OK to bite, kick, throw things, scream in public... but we still encourage them to share how they feel. When do adults stop doing this? A large majority of people experiencing depression and anxiety stuff their feelings. It's taboo to talk about, or nobody wants to hear it, or that's what people assume. Stop stuffing it! It's not doing you any good!

So for one day, take the things that people apply to their children and apply them to yourself. See how different you feel!

Forgiveness

"Please forgive me. I need you to forgive me."

These words were spoken in a recent couples session. One where one of the parties had had an affair, and the other was still working on trusting again. The one who has been cheated on was really having a hard time being able to say that she forgave

her husband.

I decided to take an approach of asking each of them what forgiveness meant to them. The wife said that she felt that forgiveness meant letting him off the hook. That it meant saying what he did was OK, and that we would never talk about it again. She wasn't ready to make that step. This version of forgiveness is one that I hear a lot. People think that it means saying "What you did was OK. Let's just forget about it" and that is really really hard to do!

The husband's version was different. To him it meant that she was saying she saw that he made a mistake, and she was choosing to not hold it against him anymore. That it didn't mean he was no longer accountable, or no longer had to work at rebuilding their marriage. But that it meant she accepted him as an imperfect person, and loved him despite that.

This discussion seemed very helpful for them. It really shows how subjective forgiveness can be. And that it really doesn't have to be about whose definition is right or wrong. My definition (for what it's worht) is somewhere in the middle-- forgiveness does not mean saying that it doesn't matter, or hurt or that we can't talk about it anymore. Heck, an affair is something that could come up in a conversation 20 years down the road! And it certainly doesn't mean that it's OK to go do it again. It means choosing to not let the hurt have so much power over you. That you notice that it takes up less of your energy. The intensity of the hurt is less. And it does mean accepting that we are imperfect, and that has to be OK.

If you are in a relationship where hurtful things have happened, and that the people involved believe forgiveness is important (and not everyone does. I myself am on the fence about this.) make sure to get a definition of what that even means to them. Don't assume that you know, because it could slow down the healing process.

Ass Out of U and Me....

Wife: So I was driving, and went a different way than he wanted to go, and unfortunately, there was a detour, which meant it took us a lot longer to get home. So he says, "Hmm... and your way was shorter, right?" *likely said with a hint of sarcasm*
Husband: (interrupting) Yeah! To which she freaks out at me and starts yelling! I can't take this anymore!
Wife: Well, he thinks I'm stupid. And I'm tired of it.
Husband: I was trying to be funny. I don't see how you couldn't understand that.
Wife: You always think I'm stupid. I figured you were mad at me, like usual, and this time was no exception.
Husband: I wasn't thinking that at all, actually. I was trying to lighten the mood!

And on it goes... putting aside the trigger words like, "You always" or "You never" or "like usual", notice the assumptions. Wife assumed that husband was making fun of her, treating her like she was dumb, and assumed that husband was mad at her for making a mistake. Husband (genuinely) was trying to lighten the mood, and wasn't intending to send that message at all. However, he was being sarcastic.
Unfortunately, couples have pasts. And the past issue can stem from family of origin problems (messages you received from your family about your character) or past issues from early on in marriage, when the couple really did struggle with communication. Or a combination of both. Every person has their "hot buttons".
So what to do?
STOP ASSUMING!!! There really is some element when a marriage is struggling to attempt to wipe the slate clean and try to give the benefit of the doubt. So take a break following a conflict, and come back to it after you have calmed down. Give yourself at least a half hour for this. Then, here are some other things to try:

• Rewind, and tell your partner what you were thinking/feeling/worrying about. It sounds tedious, but it can be helpful to try to break the conflict down piece by piece and see what happened.
  
• Ask checking questions, such as, "What did you mean by that?" or "I felt really hurt/sad/angry when you said/did [insert here]".
• Be sensitive to your partner's "hot buttons" and work really really REALLY hard to not push them. Not only is it not productive, it is disrespectful.
  
• Avoid sarcasm. In a conflict, it is never OK, and not productive.
• Mostly, don't pretend to be a mind-reader, or expect your partner to be one. That only happens in TV, books and movies.

All The World is a Stage...

Now and then in my practice (and in my life, but that's another blog...) I am reminded that people come into therapy even if they are not ready to do the work. I see this regularly with couples. Who doesn't know somebody who went to marriage counseling these days? And of those couples, there is often one person that comes just to pay lip service to the idea-- "I went to marriage counseling, but it didn't work, so we are getting divorced". Cynical, perhaps.

The reality is that people enter therapy, whether as part of a couple, or individually, at different stages of change. Some people are ready to dig in and do the work, and some aren't even close. Some think they are ready, but find that when a certain subject is touched on that might be super painful that they really aren't ready after all and terminate therapy. Sometimes I see them again, and sometimes I don't.

What helps me ride the wave of come-and-go patients is to remember Prochaska's Stages of Change model, which explains that people are generally in five stages that explains where they are at when it comes to motivation.

The first stage is "Precontemplation"-- the "I'm-not-even-thinking-about-change" stage. In fact, these clients are often the ones who are still blaming outside sources for their struggles. In the case of a couple, one person is blaming the other party for everything rather than willing to take ownership. In an individual case, this stage of change can look very victim-like. The hard part of being the therapist in this case is that it is VERY easy to alienate clients at this stage, as they are just not ready yet to be open to taking accountability, and if the therapist tries to push that, the client will often become angry, defensive, and not want to participate in therapy anymore. The key is to meet the client where they are at, validate their feelings and viewpoint, and go for a soft approach.

"Contemplation", the second stage, includes people that recognize a change needs to be made, but they are only read to dip their toes in the water. You hear a lot of "Yes, but...'s" in their reasoning, and a soft touch is still required. This phase also requires hanging in there with the client, and holding his or her hand, encouraging them to get more of their foot wet.

The third stage is "Preparation". Clients in this stage are ready to change, and are ready to set goals and take ownership for their role in the problem. These are model clients, and often do the homework that you ask them to do. They also really want to be successful, and success comes in letting the client determine their goals and have some choice in the method involved in that change (hmm... sounds like parenting a toddler!!).

"Action" staged clients are committed and future-focused. They are making changes and doing the things needed in hopes of having a better life. This is a fun stage to be in with a client because you see the wonderful things happening in their lives. The downside is that you cannot forget all of the work that happened before, because sometimes people take steps backwards. Enjoy and encourage this stage!

Finally, we have the "Maintenance" stage. This is where clients have made the changes they wanted to, and are working on maintaining (duh!) the changes. The best thing the therapist can do here, other than being a cheerleader, is to help the client plan for any regression or relapse that could occur. This can be done in a hopeful and positive, but realistic way. It gives the client power to manage their lives, and have a plan "just in case".

So there you have it. Over this week, keep these stages in mind, not just for therapy, but for ways that you can use them in your own lives. Do you know people that are trying to make changes? Or people that you desperately wish would make changes? Keeping these stages in mind can help you understand and cope with people who are not doing what we would like them to. You have to meet people where they are at- not where you would like them to be.

The "What If?" train to Crazy-Land...

Ah, the first day of school... windy, fall weather. Fresh school supplies. STRESS!

What???

Yes, stress. My firstborn started 2nd grade today, and with the excitement of a new year comes the reminder as a parent that my kids are getting older every day. And it is so true that time goes faster as you age.

As much as the logical mom in my brain knows that my son will be totally fine, and will come home with stories to tell, the crazy mom in my brain (hopefully you have one of those too) starts thinking about what could happen. "What if he gets teased about the mohawk he wanted to have?" "What if the healthy nutritious McDonald's breakfast that he had this morning backs up on him?" I don't really worry about that last one, but ya know, I have to sound CRAZY here.



The point is, that when our children go to school, we lose control. And losing control equals anxiety. What to do?



First- time for a reality check. Asking yourself what is the likelihood that these things would happen? If the likelihood is low- great. You can remind yourself of that. If that doesn't work, hop on the "What If?" train and ask yourself what you would do if it DID happen? What if my son got teased at school about his hair? What would I say? How could I help him?



That leads to my second tip... if you're not sure what to do or say, talk about it. Talk with friends who have kids. Ask a professional. Read a book. Do research online. It's always good to have a toolbox. And it's totally OK to tell your kids that you need to think about it and get back to them (if you don't know what to do or say). They will still respect you, and you model to them that it's OK to look to others for help.



Finally, take care of yourself. If you have a serious anxiety issue, your kids can feel it. And genetics play a role as well- so if you have a chemical anxiety disorder, your kids can inherit it. So be prepared to help them, because research shows that helping kids manage their anxiety earlier in childhood can prevent an anxiety disorder in adulthood by remapping their brains (cool, huh??). The best way to help them is to get help for yourself.

Date night (or day)!!

Yesterday, my husband and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary (Yay us!!). It is a great milestone, and one that feels almost surreal. Wow- 10 years! We were talking about how when we got married, 10 years sounded like an awful long time (well, not "awful" awful, but you know what I mean!).

My husband and I have also talked at great length, prior to getting married even, about what we are going to do to make our marriage a success. I think everyone assumes that because I am a marriage therapist we have a "perfect" marriage. The tools I have help, for sure, but it takes two to work at a marriage. I would like to think we have a great (not perfect) marriage because we both invest and protect it.

My parents divorced when I was 19. One of the observations (in hindsight, of course) about my parents marriage was that they rarely dated each other. This has always been important to me, and something we make the effort to do. So I thought about a way I could incorporate this into my blog this week, in an effort to be helpful.

What has worked for us very well is to plan daytime dates. We both work full-time outside of the home, so one of the advantages we have is that we have childcare during the day. This definitely makes the plan a whole lot easier. For couples who don't have this option, I encourage you to seek out other resources-- family members, teens in the neighborhood, or another parent that you know. Then, once the kids are taken care of (if you have kids), go on your date.

The beauty of daytime dates? I can't name enough reasons. But here are some:

• We're not TIRED!!! This is probably the best thing. There is none of that stifling a yawn, sneakily checking your watch, thinking-- "I would rather be at home getting ready for bed".


• We're not rushed. We have more than a 2-3 hour window in which we don't have to worry about getting home in time for the babysitter to go to a party. Or think about that if we don't get home by 11 pm, we're going to be zombies tomorrow (because our kids internal clocks don't change just because we're out late!!). This means we actually get to spend more time together than we would have during an evening date.


• We actually save money, because we have already budgeted for childcare. We don't have to add the cost of another sitter on top of that. And the stress of finding a sitter, the resentment of the woman feeling like it's always her responsibility to find a sitter (again, the benefits are endless). I know this example may not fit everyone's situation, but it is great for us.


• There are more date options. There are things we can do that are open during the day that aren't available at night. It's also generally less expensive to have lunch at a nice restaurant than supper, or see a matinee at the movie theater. And you don't need reservations!!


• Things are generally less crowded. No long movie lines. Waiting for a table at a restaurant. Shopping crowds. Amusement parks lines.

The reality is that dating can be a difficult thing for many couples. I see many couples who come in and due to children, money, lack of desire... they have not been on dates for quite some time. STOP MAKING EXCUSES. Marriages cannot continue to be put on the back burner until your kids are older and be expected to be happy. I have seen the dangers of child-centered marriages.

Dates do not have to be expensive. You can even stay at home! All we did yesterday was go shopping (and didn't buy much), walked around and had lunch. It was wonderful! Think outside of the box: Go walking at the lake. Have a picnic lunch. Exercise together. Catch a matinee. Get some discounted tickets for a show. It's not WHAT you do-- it's that you're doing something.

Why is it always about you????

My friend Kelly and I had a fun chat yesterday about narcissists, and how they can affect our lives. We started out by laughing about the SNL character "Penelope" (played by Kristen Wiig) and her funny ability to one-up everyone. You can watch her in the video below.




The problem is that when you encounter somebody like this, or even someone that isn't this overtly narcissistic, it's not funny at all. Most of us who are engaged with narcissistic people can't just walk away and disengage. We may be in a relationship with them- our spouse, our parent, our sibling, or a close friend. Or what if it's your boss or co-worker?

So how do you identify a "Penelope" when it isn't as obvious? One thing that Kelly and I talk about in our podcast (link is below) is that when one is in your presence, there is a visceral ickiness that oozes into your pores. I feel like I need to take a shower after they leave because they have brought their shame into my presence and attempted to leave it, spread on me like a very thick layer of peanut butter.
Narcissists, in truth, have such a lack of self-worth on the inside that it is covered with layers and layers of false specialness. The threat at exposing how little they actually think of themselves leads them to spend all of their energy convincing everyone around them (and themselves) of how special and wonderful they are. They talk about their own accomplishments, are incapable of complimenting you on yours, and if someone is in a position above them (which is viewed as a threat) they are eager to divert the attention back to themselves or put the other person down in an effort to feel better about... you guessed it... themselves.

How can you protect yourself? The need is very strong to set boundaries. Narcissists are very unlikely to change, so any attempt to work on a relationship or try to express to them how you feel when you are around them will likely fall flat. A person in a relationship with a narcissist needs to understand that this is NOT PERSONAL and that unfortunately, to stay safe, contact may need to be limited. If that is not possible, the relationship will likely need to be taken down a few notches to a more superficial level.

This process can be very painful. There is generally a grieving process involved, especially if the person is a close relation, in letting go of the dream of what you wish your relationship could be like. So take some time, seek professional help if needed, read a book, and get some perspective.

Good books about narcissism:
"Why Is It Always About You?" by Hotchkiss
"When Will I Ever Be Good Enough" by McBride (this one is about daughters of narcissistic mothers).

I've Been Watching You (part 2)

So now for something completely different. You know the cheesy old saying, "When you point the finger at me, there are four fingers pointed back at you"? Cheesy... but true.

A big reason that I decided to work with children (or actually, it was less of a decision and more that I feel like I keep being pushed into it by a higher power) was because I worked with kids during my internship, and saw several parents who had the attitude that if I "fix" their child, everything will be hunky dory. If only it were that easy.

I have had many kids brought into my office for some variation on the following:
"Why does my child lie?"
"Why is my child mean to his brother/sister/friends/schoolmates?"
"Why does my teenager not respect me/follow the rules/break curfew/have no responsibility?"
"Why are girls SO mean?"

While there are definitely tools that we can give our children, another important piece is to take ownership of your own piece of the pizza pie. Our children are ALWAYS watching us. Always. Even when we think they aren't paying attention, they are taking in every word. Even if we think we are hiding how we feel about things, they figure it out. Even if we aren't paying attention to our own actions and behavior, they are. And it starts at a VERY young age.

So take a step back and think about the struggles you have with your child, and how you could possibly be contributing to them. Have you ever called in sick to work when you weren't sick, and your child was listening to that call? Have you gossiped with the neighbor while the kids are playing underfoot? Have you modeled hurtful communication in your relationship while your kids are within earshot? Have you not listened to what your children had to say and invalidated how they feel? Do you do EVERYTHING for them, so that when they leave for college, they still have no idea how to manage time or clean up after themselves?

Being a parent is hard work. I know that I would love to lie about my child's age so that I can get a reduced rate at the movie theater. I have yelled at my kids to "STOP YELLING!" (oops!). And I have for sure said some choice swear words in front of the kids (Hey- I'm human too! And when I stub my toe, it *&^&$%^ hurts!!). Unfortunately, kids cannot see what you model and discern in what situations lying, stealing and swearing are OK. Instead of beating yourself up for this, take accountability, model being able to apologize and explain how you could have handled it differently. Your kids (and their friends and future spouses/partners) will thank you for it later!

"I've been watching you" (part 1)

Note: This is a post that I thought more about and realized that I could write in two different ways. Rather than trying to make them flow together into one entry (that would involve a lot of thinking), I decided that I would write it in two parts.

This past weekend, my kids and I were at the library when they spied the Rodney Atkins CD. My daughter, who is 4 1/2, loudly exclaimed, "Mom! It's the "going through HELL" song!!" As I looked around, hoping that nobody from social services or any of my clients were within earshot, I grabbed the CD so that we could check it out.

Once we got into the van, the other song requested was "I've Been Watching You". This is an endearing song about how much our children learn from us. The first verse of the song goes like this:

Drivin’ through town just my boy and me

With a Happy Meal in his booster seat

Knowin’ that he couldn’t have the toy ‘til his nuggets were gone.

A green traffic light turned straight to red

I hit my brakes and mumbled under my breath.

His fries went a flyin’, and his orange drink covered his lap

Well, then my four year old said a four letter word

It started with “S” and I was concerned

So I said, “Son, now where’d you learn to talk like that?”

Chorus:

He said, "I’ve been watching you, dad ain’t that cool?

I’m your buckaroo, I wanna be like you.

And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are.

We got cowboy boots and camo pants

Yeah, we’re just alike, hey, ain’t we dad?

I want to do everything you do.

So I’ve been watching you."

Like the episode in the library, what parent hasn't had a moment of total failure where they feel like they have done, said, taught the wrong thing? We've sworn, we've yelled, we've been caught doing or saying things that we shouldn't have. And then we start the cycle of beating ourselves up over and over for being a "bad parent".

I know that other parents do this, because not only do I have friends that are parents, I have many clients who come in week after week, berating themselves for not being perfect, or missed opportunities. "I don't play with them enough" "What will they think of me someday?" There is so much pressure to mold our children into wonderful (read: perfect) human beings.

For the most part, these are great parents (the other part will be covered in part 2) and they just need to cut themselves some slack. Kids do not need "perfect" parents. They need parents who are, the majority of the time, attentive, loving and kind. Who are consistent and will provide appropriate discipline, limits and boundaries (is that redundant?).

Keep listening to the song... because it goes on to say:

We got back home and I went to the barn

I bowed my head and I prayed real hard

Said, “Lord, please help me help my stupid self.”

Just this side of bedtime later that night

Turnin’ on my son’s Scooby-Doo nightlight.

He crawled out of bed and he got down on his knees.

He closed his little eyes, folded his little hands

Spoke to God like he was talkin’ to a friend.

And I said, “Son, now where’d you learn to pray like that?”

It is definitely important to be a positive model for our children. However, it's not possible for us to be "perfect" models- we are going to make mistakes. We are going to have bad days. For women, there are hormones involved, for crying out loud!! Focus on the moments when you do model positive values and life lessons, and turn the "bad" ones into teachable moments.

You Be Responsible For You

As a mother of two kids (aged 7 and 4 1/2), this sentence can be heard often lately. There is a lot of tattling... a lot of "Mom- she did this!" "Mom- he said that!" going on at my home. My response... you got it. "You be responsible for you".

So what happens to people whose family-of-origins did not teach them to be accountable for their choices? Unfortunately, they tend to look like the couple in the picture here, where they are so busy pointing fingers at the other person that they aren't reflecting on being responsible for themselves.

I am currently working with a couple that is firmly embedded in this battle. It goes like this: Wife makes bad choice... husband bails her out. Wife gets angry because she feels like her husband is controlling her... he feels unappreciated. Neither have taken ownership of their role in this dance, which is a pattern of bad choices, enabling, assumptions and resentment.

Enter the marriage therapist, who gets to teach people how to be accountable, and how they can only correct their own role in the problem. In this case, the husband has to stop bailing his wife out. And the wife has to stop playing the victim role, and accept that she needs to gain tools to learn how to make better choices. Better yet, they could turn TOWARDS each other instead of away- a struggle for many married couples. It is hard to be vulnerable. For some people, it's hard to receive love.

If you are struggling in your relationship, think about the times that you have made the choice to not be responsible for your own actions. You can't control your partner. You can only be responsible for you.

“The best interests of the children”?

My parents divorced when I was 19. I am so grateful (if that word is appropriate?) that I was at an age where I did not have to go through custody arrangements. Although divorce is hard at any age, it is especially difficult on young children. They become the victims. And for every couple that I see who does divorce in a relatively healthy way, I see many more who don’t. Who hide behind the guise of what’s “in the best interests of the children” when really they themselves don’t want to suffer the consequences that divorce doles out.

In my practice as a marriage therapist, divorce is a common word. The hope is to prevent it, but sometimes that just doesn’t happen. Since many people end up divorcing (50%, right??), I decided that I wanted to help people do it better—in a way that is more civil, less emotionally taxing, and less costly—so I went through training to become a mediator. (If you aren’t familiar with mediation- check it out!! It is so much less damaging than a court litigated divorce).

This subject is in the forefront of my mind right now because of a family I am currently working with. The parents are really struggling. And while I believe they both genuinely love their children, they just cannot get it together. One parent has decided that it would be “in the best interests of the children” to go for sole custody. The other is hoping for joint.

The majority of research (I have to say it that way, because one can always find the exception) supports that sole custody is not only rarely awarded, but it is also rarely in the best interests of the children (yes, even in abuse situations). It is also not better for the parents, for that matter. Not only are the court battles that it takes to get sole custody awarded extremely emotional, they often get up into the five and six-figure range in cost. Joint custody has its challenges as well—but in general, the joint-custodial parent stays more involved and is more likely to contribute financially, which benefits families all-around. Parenting is about more than just "seeing" your kids (which sole custody sometimes affords)--it is about being involved in making decisions about their well-being. I have yet to meet a client who has been through divorce who was thankful that their custodial parent minimized contact and input from the other parent—and I have seen some toxic family situations.

No doubt, divorce is difficult. And- there are ways to do it better. Don’t let your anger towards your partner affect your kids. Seek counseling. Seek mediation. Seek out the opinion of a neutral child evaluator if you are truly stuck. Seek out a collaborative attorney. Do your research. The end result will truly be “in the best interests of the children”.