Friday, April 22, 2011

Asking for help

This post will be more about reaching out than about creating...

When it comes to someone with a Postpartum Mood Disorder of any kind (depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD...) I have heard the person who experienced it tell me what would have been helpful for others to do or say. I have also heard them share what was NOT helpful- but that's another blog.

I have heard from partners, family members, siblings and friends who didn't know what to do. Or thought that what they were doing and saying was helpful, but weren't sure.

So a question for you who have been in the place of experiencing a Postpartum Mood Disorder... what was helpful for you to hear? What was helpful for someone to do? What do you wish someone would have done or said?

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Do you see what I see?


The other night, my husband (who is a volunteer firefighter) and I were having a discussion. There was a car accident, and the victim had to be airlifted. We talked about the time that it takes, waiting for the helicopter to arrive. And my comment was, "When you are waiting, doesn't it feel like forever?" and he replied, "No, it really seems to move along really quickly". To which I responded, "I wonder if it feels quick to the victim".


This brought me to thoughts of perception, how two people can be in the same exact situation and see it in two different ways. And neither is right or wrong. It just is.


Does this happen in your relationships? When you have a conflict, especially, and try as hard as you can to get the other person to "see it your way"? How you're often left feeling hurt or frustrated if you can't get the person to be in your shoes? Or if they don't validate your feelings? Or if you are the one on the other side, and feel your own frustration at not being able to see the other viewpoint, or sway the other person to see it YOUR way.


Just. Stop. Talking.


This isn't about who is right or wrong or who wins. It is about emotion. It is about the frustration, sadness, loneliness, [insert other feeling word here] of not being heard.


If you are the one who is trying to get your point across...


  • Try to stay calm, and not get defensive. The listener does not live in your brain, or your shoes, or your reality. You can try to explain what it feels like for you, and if he/she doesn't agree with you, or see it your way, that does not mean you are wrong or that it is personal. The other person has a different reality.

  • Ask for what you would like- Do you want to be heard? Validated? Comforted? The listener is not a mind-reader.

  • Take a break if tension gets too high. Flooding occurs, and discussion is no longer productive.

If you are the listener...



  • Learn how to validate. A simple, "I'm really trying to understand" or "I am so sorry you are having a hard day" can go miles and miles. You don't need to fix- just be there in the moment. Validating doesn't mean that you agree with their reality, or again, that they are right or wrong. It is simply empathizing with their emotion and their perception, and letting them know you are there and not judging them.

  • If you are thinking about what you want to say next-- guess what... ? You're not listening. Be in the moment. Let the other person talk, even if you don't agree with or understand what they are saying.

  • Ask them for what they need. Perhaps they don't want you to take care of anything. Perhaps they don't need you to say you were wrong, or sorry, or whatever the issue is. Don't assume that you know what they are looking for.

Does the optical illusion above ring a bell? I remember seeing this in school and driving myself buggy seeing both the young woman and the old woman. But it is possible to see both, it just sometimes take effort, and being open to the possibilities!