The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree....

It's no secret that I am passionate about postpartum mood disorders. Most people also know that I experienced my own story with postpartum depression following the birth of my 2nd child, my daughter, who is now almost 7.
I had coffee with my mom this morning and had a chance to ask her a bit more about her own postpartum experience with me. I knew bits and pieces-- that I had been a difficult, colicky baby. That my mom had dreamed of having more than one child, until she had me. That things had just been tough in my early years. But I really had never asked for more information. Knowing what had happened to me, and the reading I have been doing about how having a PMAD (Postpartum Mood/Anxiety Disorder) can impact early childhood, made me very curious. She went on to tell me more in depth about how difficult it had been for her. We discussed bonding and she said, "I don't think I was able to bond with you until... oh, about a year". Wow. She also reminded me how they had made the move from California to Minnesota, in a car, with no air conditioning, across Death Valley, when I was two weeks old. I was sick often, and very colicky. She had little support.
Knowing what I do now, it really makes sense that my mom was depressed. I remember her being depressed and anxious when I was growing up. I am sure all of that was exacerbated postpartum. And back then, in the 70's, "doctors were so stupid" she said- nobody talked about or knew what PMADs were. I do believe growing up with a mother who had untreated anxiety and depression contributed to my own anxiety and PPD.
Now I have my own daughter (and I don't want to forget how my PPD likely affected my son, who was 2 1/2 when my daughter was born), and I can't help but wonder how my PPD affected her and our relationship. We did not bond for the first five months of her life. In fact, the thing that still breaks my heart is that I don't have a picture of me holding her as an infant. She was very colicky (which we now know was acid reflux and a milk protein intolerance, which it was likely I also had as an infant) and had complications from that. I even had a deliberate plan once to leave her and run away for six months and stay at a hotel.

My goal of writing this blog is not to bring you down. But it's about taking a long hard look at the intergenerational transmission of PMADs and how we need to talk about it. How we need to prevent, or at the very least, identify these issues sooner. My wish is that if my daughter ever has a baby and ever has a PMAD, the best gift I can impart to her is that she needs to speak out about it and get help. Don't suffer in silence. Don't become a statistic. Don't let it linger for months or years, and impact your child long-term. Speak out about it. Write out your birth and postpartum story so you can share it with your kids. And if you are able, talk to your own mother about her birth and postpartum experience. It may be scary and sad, but it can be very informative, and break down the shame of having a postpartum mood disorder.