How do you connect?

"The biggest threat to good marriages is every day living" ~ Bill Doherty, in Take Back Your Marriage

Life can get so into routine, that we often forget to really connect with those who we love. There is a reason that marital satisfaction dips after having kids-- our lives get so wrapped up in taking care of them and our household that we forget what we loved about our partner in the first place. The quote above refers to this: letting the everyday aspects of life-- childcare, housekeeping, work, errands, get in the way of our marriage. It feels like it takes a lot of effort at the end of the day to connect with our spouse, or it feels like there is no time, but really, it doesn't take much effort or time. It takes commitment.

Doherty talks about connection rituals versus routines. Routines are things we do everyday, and we may be spending time with our partner, but it's not necessarily "connecting". Discussing what time Jimmy has to be at soccer practice, or what you're having for supper, or what the plans are for the weekend is not "connecting" because there is not emotion involved. Emotional connection is key to a healthy relationship.

Here are the areas of connection that Doherty stresses in his book, ways that we can make sure we are connecting in our relationship:

1) Connection rituals. Think about how you greet your partner when he/she comes home every day. Is it a brisk, "Hey, can you take the garbage out?" or do you pause to give each other a kiss and hug, and ask how their day was? Couples I see in counseling have often taken the importance of a connecting greeting for granted. They say that the kids demand their immediate attention and are climbing all over them, which leaves little time to greet your partner. Tell the kids that they need wait a bit. They may not like it at first, but eventually they will see that mom/dad are prioritizing their marriage and that this connection is important. They will see that they CAN wait, and still be important. Most importantly, you model behavior to them about a healthy marriage that they can have in their toolbox when they are in their own relationships. Other greetings include leaving in the morning, going to bed, waking up, and even how you talk over email or the phone. Do you dive right into business? Or do you take a moment to check in and emotionally let your partner know that you care how THEY are? Greetings are just one example. Others are leaving notes, sitting and connecting after supper, or doing errands/chores together so that you can talk while doing them. Find a way to incorporate 15 minutes of connection (at least) each day, and you will notice a difference in your relationship.

2. Love rituals. Doherty states that these rituals are a way of saying, "I love you and you are special to me." Some use words, others use action. Dating can be a love ritual, but only if it is a date that you are truly connecting on. Sitting next to each other at a movie theater not talking is not emotionally connecting. Neither is going out with other couples, unless you are all talking about relationships, which is usually not the case. I find when we socialize, we tend to split into gender groups and have female discussions and male discussions. While this kind of activity should not be discounted, it is still not a "love ritual". Love rituals can be verbally saying, "I love you" or "I am so happy to be with you". Going to bed together can also be a love ritual, as can be sex. Couples are frequently unhappy with their sex lives as their relationship lengthens. Are you going to bed at the same time? Are you avoiding each other? Create space for the opportunity! Be mindful.

3. Special occasion rituals. Anniversaries. Birthdays. Valentines Day. I don't know about you, but I put an AWFUL lot of energy into my kids birthdays, planning big parties, decorating, making a huge deal out of being another year older. Why don't we give that same energy to our OWN special occasions? I hear many people feeling quite frustrated that their partner either forgot an important date, or it didn't seem to matter. The key here is that you need to talk to your partner about it. You may have very different ideas of what each one means, and your partner may have no idea how important a day is to you, or that you even want to celebrate. Your choice here is to stew silently in resentment, or talk to your partner about creating some kind of ritual for special days. It does not need to be elaborate or expensive. It does not need to be the same for both people- for example, my husband really could not care less about his birthday, and I LOVE my birthday. That's OK! As long as we both know what the other would want, we're good. You don't need to buy jewelry for Valentine's Day- perhaps a quiet dinner or a heartfelt card is enough. Some people really both do not care about Hallmark holidays. But if you do, speak up! Create something special together. Repeat.

If you would like to see more examples of rituals, check out Doherty's website at http://www.smartmarriages.com/.

The funny thing about triangles....

I have written before about triangulation-- the tendency for people in a rocky relationship to pull a third party into the mix, therefore hoping to stabilize the problem (though it really doesn't). But triangulation can also occur with THINGS.

I am reading Bill Doherty's book "Take Back Your Marriage" (read it!) and he talks a lot in there about triangulating with things, and how these things get in the way of your marriage relationship. I loved this reminder so much, and how he broke things down further, that I thought I would pass the info along to you. Some common triangles...

1. Work... Yes, we have to work. Some people have to work longer hours than others. But if you find yourself bringing work home, or spending more and more hours away from your partner or family because of work, it could spell a problem. Ask yourself if you are using work to avoid dealing with your partner, or the stress at home. If you are, you are triangulating.
2. Hobbies... I know. Men love working on cars. Women love scrapbooking. [Insert other generalization here] but again, ask yourself how much time are you spending on these hobbies? Do you look forward to spending time on your hobby more than spending time with your partner or family? Do you use this as a way to avoid communication?
3. Overscheduling our kids... Kids love activities. And for the most part, activities are good for them. But if you look at your calendar and see Boy Scouts on Monday, swimming on Tuesday, church on Wednesday, karate on Thursday, and then spend all weekend travelling for different sporting events, then your lives are overscheduled. Again, if you feel you are spending more time organizing, attending and planning activities, and you can't remember the last time you had some quality time with your partner, your life is overscheduled, and these activities may be a way to stay "busy" so that you don't have to deal with each other.
4. TV/Internet... This is a big one. Is your TV on at mealtimes? Do you plop yourself down in front of the TV or computer, telling your partner to wait until a commercial? Or that you just have to research one thing? It may not be a problem. But if it is to the detriment of spending quality time together with your partner, or the electronics invade the majority of your free time, it can lead to one resentful mate.

So what to do? The hardest thing about triangulation is trying to point it out to your partner without sounding like you're nagging. Nagging leads to a pursue/withdraw dynamic, where the other partner wants to pull away. In this situation, "I" statements can be helpful. For example: You have just put the kids to bed, and you come downstairs to find your partner plopped on the couch... again. Feeling frustrated, hurt, lonely, your first instinct is to say (or shout, or yell, or drip with sarcasm)-- "You are ALWAYS watching TV. Why don't you just marry it?" Instead, try, "Honey, I have noticed that we spend a lot of our time in the evening with the TV on. I am feeling a bit lonely lately, and would really like it if you could turn the TV off and spend some time talking with me." Another idea would be to plan ahead BEFORE you put the kids to bed and ask specifically for what you would like: "When the kids are in bed, could we spend some quiet time together relaxing?"
Your partner is not a mind-reader. He or she may not even realize how much time is being spent on these outside things. Give the benefit of a doubt, and share how you are feeling and how you see it rather than making assumptions. And if there is a concern that you have real issues that you are avoiding by bringing these other things into your life, seek out a professional.

October is the month for Pregnancy and Mental Health!

This post is a little different in that my goal is to bring to the readers attention some events that are taking place this month, most of them local (sorry to any non-Minnesotan readers). These events do have one thing in common: they all include something related to pregnancy, a cause close to my heart! Hopefully something here will be helpful for you or someone you know. Please pass it on!

• The Twin Cities Birth & Baby Expo is on Saturday, October 15th from 10 am to 3 pm in Minneapolis at the Midtown Global Market. If you are expecting a baby (yes, dads are welcome too!) then this event is for you. Their goal is to connect parents and parents-to-be with local resources and businesses related to adding to your family. Get info on everything from birthing to photography to diapering, and much more. The best part: it's FREE!! More info here: http://www.twincitiesbirthandbaby.com/exhibitors.html. P.S. Pregnancy and Postpartum Support (PPSM) will be there!!
• Saturday, October 15th is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This day honors those who have experienced any kind of pregnancy loss- miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth or infant loss. The goal of this very special day is to provide support to grieving parents and families. Their website http://www.october15th.com/ has great resources and items for purchase that show your support for those in your life who have had a loss.
• Pregnancy and Support Minnesota (PPSM), a non-profit organization, is launching its Support Helpline on Monday, October 17th. This Helpline is a place for those who are struggling with adjusting to pregnancy or postpartum, or for those who care about someone who may be struggling. The Helpline will offer support and resources, and also offers callers the option of being paired with a trained Peer Support Volunteer who can provide ongoing support to make sure people are getting the help they need. If anyone would like to be involved, or would like to know more about the Helpline, please check out PPSM's website http://ppsupportmn.org/
• And finally... yes, I must do it again, the release of "Not Alone:Stories of Living with Depression" ed. by Alise Wright has been released this month. I am proud to be a part of this book, where my story about postpartum depression was included. Here is an excerpt from "The Baby":

I had heard about postpartum depression before, but hadn’t personally known anyone who had struggled with it. Well, at least nobody who ever opened up about it anyway. It’s shameful to admit that I didn’t really want to take care of the baby. That I was sad all of the time. That I counted the minutes until my husband got home so that I could get a break. It was frightening to admit that I had visions of hurting the baby or walking away from her, knowing in my head that that is terrifying and something I would NEVER do. Moms shouldn’t feel or think this way. Moms should be excited and happy and cooing over their little bundle of joy. And when they are covered head to toe with vomit, a good mom will go change clothes with a smile, even if it is has been the third clothing change of the day. Right?

The link to the book, available on Amazon, is here: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_10?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=not+alone+stories+of+living+with+depression&sprefix=not+alone+&x=0&y=0

Chances are, you or someone you has been involved with one of the above situations. It is time to erase the stigma of talking about mood disorders during pregnancy and postpartum. It is time to not feel ashamed to talk about your pregnancy loss, as if it is something you should "get over" and stop making others feel uncomfortable. The leaves are changing this month- make a change in your life!

Could I be depressed?

In October, a book is being released that deals with depression. I get to toot my own horn for a moment (*toot toot*!) about how proud I am to be included in this compilation of stories about depression, namely my experience with postpartum depression. (More info below)*.



This book is timely as we are entering fall. A time, where, depending on which demographic area you live in, can be very dark (literally!) and difficult for people. The reason the publisher of the book was inspired to create this compilation was because people still struggle to talk about mental health. Is it getting less stigmatized? Slightly. But the fact remains that many people have a hard time admitting they could be depressed and an even harder time reaching out for help.

So....How do I know if I am depressed?


The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (the Bible for psychology people) defines depression as the following:

• Depressed Mood (in kids- yes, kids get depressed too!- this can look more like irritability, withdrawal)


• Reduced level of interest or pleasure in most activities


• Considerable weight loss or gain, or decrease in appetite


• Difficulty falling/staying asleep (insomnia) or sleeping more than usual (hypersomnia)


• Behavior that is agitated or slowed down


• Feeling tired of low energy


• Thoughts of worthlessness or extreme guilt


• Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions


• Frequent thoughts of death or suicide (although I would argue that thoughts don't need to be "frequent" to indicate a problem).

A person needs to have 5+ of these symptoms (not all). Many people minimize their depression by saying or thinking things like, "Well, I'm not thinking about killing myself, so it must not be that bad". The duration of the symptoms have been at least 2 weeks. And typically, the intensity of the symptoms are enough that they are disruptive in your home life, social life, work life, relationships, etc. People tend to start isolating themselves, or struggling at work, or withdrawing from their partners. The lack of sunlight this time of year can cause Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)- which has the same set of symptoms, but they are limited to the fall-winter months. Even if there is a seasonal pattern, the symptoms still need to be taken seriously!

At any rate... reaching out for help IS hard. But there are so many options- support groups, counseling, books, online support, medication, phototherapy (light boxes)- and none of these mean that you have a scarlet letter on your chest indicating your depressed status.

You do not need to suffer in silence.

*The book, "Not Alone" edited by Alise Wright is available on Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/Not-Alone-Stories-Living-Depression/dp/0615532675/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1317389846&sr=8-2

Self-care = Selfish

This has been a common theme this week. I work with many postpartum mamas, and I have had this conversation at least twice this week, how they feel like taking care of themselves is selfish. Wanting to do nice things, wanting time alone, wanting a break from being a mom... you "shouldn't" want those things. You "should" be grateful that you can be a stay-at-home mom/that your baby is healthy/that you get to have a baby/fill in reason here.

Women are socialized to give until it hurts. Their own needs come last, especially when it comes to parenting. So when they want to put their own needs first, if they even give themselves permission to do so, they often find themselves feeling guilty and not enjoying the time anyways.
Why do we do this to ourselves??? There are many reasons-- culture, media, our upbringing, competition among other moms, the list goes on. Some divine intervention led me to this timely passage in my "Radical Acceptance" book (Author- Tara Brach. If you haven't read it, you should!):
"We are encouraged by our culture to keep ourselves comfortable, to be right, to possess things, to be better than others, to look good, to be admired. We are also told that we should feel ashamed of our selfishness, that we are flawed for being so self-centered, sinful when we are indulgent".
What a mixed message. And unfortunately true.

I often pull out the oxygen mask analogy when I am working with moms. You know, when you're on the airplane and the flight attendant tells you to put your own oxygen mask on before assisting small children? And in our heads, we cringe a bit and say that's ridiculous- we would help our kids first. But the truth is that if we as parents aren't breathing, we can't help our children, or anyone else for that matter.

Self-care is your oxygen supply. Take time to think about what fulfills you. Start with basic needs-- sleep, water, food and exercise. Most people, let alone new parents, are not getting these basic needs met. After that, think about what you used to do before having kids-- going out with friends, or on a date with your partner. Going to the coffee shop with a book. Taking your camera and enjoying nature. All of these things are self-care, and are necessary for your mental health. What can you do this long weekend to take care of yourself? It doesn't need to take long. Stop making excuses!

Overfunctioning in relationships

A common refrain I hear when working with adults and couples is, "I do everything- the cooking, cleaning, childcare, and (s)he does nothing". This is generally a resentful person. So resentful that life has become black and white.

If this is how you are feeling, I encourage you to take a step back and explore the possibility that you (yes, you) are contributing to this dynamic- one of the overfunctioning/underfunctioning type.

What? This is MY fault? Well, possibly. Or at least a part of it, anyways.

How does this type of thing happen? Here are some examples (Disclaimer: I am using the gender pronouns that are most common- this is not always the way that it is):
*Wife wants an evening out with friends, but before she does that, she goes through, in great detail, everything that her husband needs to do with the kids in order to feed them, bathe them, get them to bed.
*One person takes the initiative to do something special with the kids, or take care of some chores around the house, only to have the other spouse talk about how he/she would have done it differently.
*One consistently DOES do the majority of the housework for an extended period of time, becomes resentful, and expects her partner to read her mind and know that she is tired of "doing it all". In the meantime, the other partner has become used to letting the other do the majority of the housework, or has made attempts to do it and it's not good enough, so has sat back and let it continue in this pattern.
*One person states a generic request: "Can you clean the house while I am gone?" and their versions of "cleaning the house" are two very different things.

The solution largely rests in good communication. We are not mind-readers, unfortunately, and we were all raised with very different versions of cleanliness and roles. A good place to start- have a discussion with your partner about what roles were like in his/her family? What did you envision roles being when you became a couple? You may need to be more clear about expectations when you give a generic request. I have also heard some husbands say they actually LIKE when their wife makes them a list. If this is your partner, you have a choice: Either make the darn list and get things done the way you would like, or continue to be resentful that he can't read your mind/remember what you asked for/etc.
Secondly, you may need to lower your expectations, sit back and let your partner figure things out. So your partner doesn't do everything the way that you would do it. Or doesn't get in the kids ears in the bathtub. Let it go, and enjoy that you have a partner who genuinely doesn't mind that you take some time for yourself to get away and take over the parenting duties. Leaving specific details or criticizing how your partner did things sends the message that he can't handle it.
What can you let go of? Stop overfunctioning, and the hope is that the underfunctioning partner will step closer to fill the space, reducing resentment and leading to a happier, more fulfilling relationship.

If you bring your child to counseling...

In my role of Marriage and Family Therapist and as a Divorce Mediator, I am often encountering parents who are divorcing and who want some support for their children. Since I work with children, I have often been in the sticky spot of providing therapy for children who are coping with a parents divorce. The difficulty is that there are times when parents, whether intentional or not, have an underlying motive of hoping that the therapist may provide some information that will help their case in court-- the case against the other parent.
The problem with this is that it creates a white elephant in the office that takes away the safety that I believe parents really do want their children to have. A place to come talk about feelings and work through any struggles they are dealing with.
Because parents are human with their own feelings, they have difficulty separating their emotions from their child's needs. And this can get very muddy. In an effort to help protect this space, the therapy setting, some therapists choose to make a "Safe Harbor Agreement" with parents that sets out guidelines that will help build a barrier around the therapeutic relationship.
A "Safe Harbor Agreement" asks parents to sign a document that states that they will not, under any circumstances (well, OK, aside from mandated reporting of abuse) allow their attorney to subpoena records from the child's therapist without the child's consent. It also states that the therapist agrees to not divulge information about therapy with the child without the child's consent.
You might be thinking, "Why would I let my child decide that?" and/or "Why would I agree to that?". Here are some reasons why:
1) If you are bringing your child to therapy because he/she is struggling emotionally with divorce, think about how it could affect the child further, or the child's relationship with one of his/her parents, if the content of his therapy was dragged into court. This erodes trust, and sends the message to the child that they do not deserve a place to have safe communication that cannot be invaded. I have unfortunately seen this happen, and it can have far-reaching consequences for the child about learning to not trust people, persons of authority, or persons who are genuinely trying to help them. It can damage future relationships, and their view of marriage.
2) The therapeutic relationship is supposed to be safe. If information is made public, it is no longer a safe place, and the one place where the child may have felt he/she could share feelings and thoughts without retribution is no longer available.
3) Finally, the therapeutic relationship should be about the child. If you have a hidden agenda, hoping that the therapist will uncover something big that will help a court case, please be upfront about that, so that the therapist can talk with you about alternative ways to get that information. There are other avenues to pursue that can help you gather information. Please let the therapy be about helping your child, and helping foster his/her well-being, and his place in the family.

It's not MY fault...

I am reading a book called "Contemplating Divorce" by Susan Pease Gadoua, and the place I am at (in the book) is about taking accountability for your role in the problem.

As a marriage therapist, I see polarized couples nearly every day. Ready to come in, pointing the finger and laying out years of gripes about what the other person has done. Some are ready to take accountability for their own faults, many are not. You've heard it, I'm sure, that while you are pointing the finger at someone else, there are three pointing back at yourself? Right.

The fact is, even if your spouse did something horrendous-- an affair, abuse, spending all of your savings-- more often than not, both parties played a role in this dynamic. From the book (p. 91):

"You may feel very strongly that your spouse's behavior is the problem in your relationship and that you are perfectly justified in your actions and reactions. But until you understand that you play a part in maintaining unhealthy patterns by accepting the unacceptable, not drawing boundaries, not speaking your mind, failing to ask for what you need, or biting the bait your spouse sets out for you, you will perpetuate the pattern."

While we know that we can't change other people (or if you didn't know that, I am here to tell you that now) we can focus on our own behavior. If you find yourself making excuses to others, or helping him (or her) cover up bad behavior, that is enabling. If you continue to bail the other person out. If you share your feelings, but your actions don't match up, or you don't follow through with what you said you would do, you are playing a role in the unhealthy dynamic.

The book goes on to talk about that much of this enabling comes from unmet needs and low self-esteem. Remind yourself that you are WORTH a healthy relationship. Everyone is. If you need help learning to feel that way and believe that is true, get some help. Until you take part for your role, the dynamic will remain unhealthy.

Common Courtesy

On the way into work this morning, a woman in front of me very graciously held the door open for me. I thanked her, and walked in with a smile, happy to know there are still kind people in the world who think of others.


Which brought me to another thought: Common courtesy-- saying please and thank you, doing nice things for others, making eye contact and smiling, calling someone when you are running late out of respect for their time... I'm sure you can think of several examples on your own of things that you consider courtesy. Things that you like others to do for you, that shows that they care.


When was the last time you did this for your partner?


It is so easy, especially when we have been resentful for a long time or even just with someone for a long time, to forget the little things like common courtesy with our partner. Yet these gestures (for many of us, anyways, I hope) come SO easily when it is directed towards others. Even complete strangers, like the above example. Why would we show kindness to others that we are not invested in, yet forget to show that kindness to the person we have committed our life to?


The good news is that common courtesy really is easy, and it can go a long way. Thank your partner for cooking supper, or remembering to do something he/she sometimes forgets (roll of toilet paper, anyone?). Use please when you ask him to get something for you. Yes, even the salt shaker, or something to drink. If you're running late, give your partner a call to let him or her know- even if it is only 10 minutes. These gestures not only say "I love you" but "I respect you" and "I want you to know that I notice these things". It may also motivate your partner to do the little things more often in return.


This week, pick one thing mentioned above, or come up with your own, that you have let slack over the years and start doing it. See what happens.

I don't know what to say!

Quoted from a memoir about a woman who had a stillborn baby, "An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination", Elizabeth McCracken:

"This is why you need everyone you know after a disaster, because there is not one right response. It's what paralyzes people around the grief-stricken, of course, the idea that there are right things to say and wrong things and it's better to say nothing than something clumsy." (p. 76).

I felt compelled to blog about this after having two new patients this week who have experienced a stillbirth. I also had an interesting discussion with a gentleman who knows someone who had a stillbirth and said what is reflected above- that it's easier to say nothing sometimes, even if you know that's not what you're supposed to do.

This can happen with any kind of loss- miscarriage, divorce, loss of a parent, infertility, just to name a few. People often don't know WHAT to say, so they say nothing at all.

This needs to change.

Hearing nothing is so painful for the person who is going through the loss. People fear that they are exaggerating their pain. Or that people don't care about them. Or that their loss is no big deal.

The difficulty is that, on a logical level, I don't for one second believe that most people are thoughtless. I firmly believe that society does not prepare us for how to gracefully respond in grief situations. Death is taboo, it's uncomfortable. And losing a baby is especially uncomfortable. It's not something that's supposed to happen. It shakes up the snow globe of what we know as status quo living.

So what do you do? Say SOMETHING. The following are acceptable:

"I am so sorry that you are hurting"

"I have no idea what you are going through, but I am here to listen, hug and let you cry".

And if that's not comfortable for you-- "Is there anything I can do?"

Also acceptable, if you sincerely find yourself grasping at air is "I have no idea what to say, but I am here for you".

Sometimes there really are no words that feel appropriate. But the goal is not to fix the pain. The goal is to let people know they aren't alone and that their pain is real. The goal is not to rush them through it by promising that "it will be OK" or "temporary" or that "this was God's will". Sit in their pain with them- that is enough. Really.

Asking for help

This post will be more about reaching out than about creating...

When it comes to someone with a Postpartum Mood Disorder of any kind (depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD...) I have heard the person who experienced it tell me what would have been helpful for others to do or say. I have also heard them share what was NOT helpful- but that's another blog.

I have heard from partners, family members, siblings and friends who didn't know what to do. Or thought that what they were doing and saying was helpful, but weren't sure.

So a question for you who have been in the place of experiencing a Postpartum Mood Disorder... what was helpful for you to hear? What was helpful for someone to do? What do you wish someone would have done or said?

Do you see what I see?

The other night, my husband (who is a volunteer firefighter) and I were having a discussion. There was a car accident, and the victim had to be airlifted. We talked about the time that it takes, waiting for the helicopter to arrive. And my comment was, "When you are waiting, doesn't it feel like forever?" and he replied, "No, it really seems to move along really quickly". To which I responded, "I wonder if it feels quick to the victim".

This brought me to thoughts of perception, how two people can be in the same exact situation and see it in two different ways. And neither is right or wrong. It just is.

Does this happen in your relationships? When you have a conflict, especially, and try as hard as you can to get the other person to "see it your way"? How you're often left feeling hurt or frustrated if you can't get the person to be in your shoes? Or if they don't validate your feelings? Or if you are the one on the other side, and feel your own frustration at not being able to see the other viewpoint, or sway the other person to see it YOUR way.

Just. Stop. Talking.

This isn't about who is right or wrong or who wins. It is about emotion. It is about the frustration, sadness, loneliness, [insert other feeling word here] of not being heard.

If you are the one who is trying to get your point across...

• Try to stay calm, and not get defensive. The listener does not live in your brain, or your shoes, or your reality. You can try to explain what it feels like for you, and if he/she doesn't agree with you, or see it your way, that does not mean you are wrong or that it is personal. The other person has a different reality.


• Ask for what you would like- Do you want to be heard? Validated? Comforted? The listener is not a mind-reader.


• Take a break if tension gets too high. Flooding occurs, and discussion is no longer productive.

If you are the listener...

• Learn how to validate. A simple, "I'm really trying to understand" or "I am so sorry you are having a hard day" can go miles and miles. You don't need to fix- just be there in the moment. Validating doesn't mean that you agree with their reality, or again, that they are right or wrong. It is simply empathizing with their emotion and their perception, and letting them know you are there and not judging them.


• If you are thinking about what you want to say next-- guess what... ? You're not listening. Be in the moment. Let the other person talk, even if you don't agree with or understand what they are saying.


• Ask them for what they need. Perhaps they don't want you to take care of anything. Perhaps they don't need you to say you were wrong, or sorry, or whatever the issue is. Don't assume that you know what they are looking for.

Does the optical illusion above ring a bell? I remember seeing this in school and driving myself buggy seeing both the young woman and the old woman. But it is possible to see both, it just sometimes take effort, and being open to the possibilities!

The Dry Years

A combination of today's crappy weather and reading "East of Eden" inspired today's blog...

"I have spoken of the rich years when the rainfall was plentiful. But there were dry years too, and they put a terror on the valley. The water came in a thirty-year cycle. There would be five or six wet and wonderful years when there might be nineteen to twenty-five inches of rain. Then would come six or seven pretty good years of twelve to sixteen inches of rain, and the land would shout with grass. And then the dry years would come, and sometimes there would be only seven or eight inches of rain. The land dried up and the grasses headed out miserably a few inches high and great bare scabby places appeared in the valley...And it never failed that during the dry years the people forgot about the rich years, and during the wet years they lost all memory of the dry years. It was always that way." ~ East of Eden by John Steinbeck

So where is your marriage right now? Is it in the wet years, where love is warm and plentiful, and your marriage is getting plenty of rain? Or is it in a dry spell, where there is a lot of conflict, no connection, and a lot of resentment? And our human nature, as Steinbeck mentions, is to focus on where we are RIGHT NOW instead of being able to wistfully remember the wonderful times, especially when your marriage is in danger of drying up completely and slowly dying.

Let's focus first on the wet times. Ah- that's easy. You are in love, enjoy each others company, cherish and appreciate each other. Or perhaps you are in the medium-wet times where things are good, and life is status quo. Easy to enjoy, right? And not think about the dry times? This can be dangerous, because it can lead to complacency- which is not a good place to be. I don't want to suggest that you not enjoy the wet times, but rather that you take time out occasionally to appreciate the rain. Remember the dry times (briefly) and how far you have come, and how you got out of that dry time. Recognize the hard work and time that having a great relationship entails.

The dry times are harder to turn around. If you are in a dry spot in your relationship, take the time to think about what the wet times were like. What was different? What were you doing differently? What did you take the time for? How did you show each other love, respect and appreciation? What were your priorities and values? How have you weathered difficult times in the past? Those people are still there, hiding under a dusty veneer.

This cycle is very normal. We cannot sustain the high energy and passion of being in love forever. And then you add children to the mix, and scientifically, marital satisfaction takes a big dip. But it can come back up- if you focus on your strengths and successes together as a couple. Take some time today to think about how you can water your marriage.

Empathy-- what is it?

The definition of empathy: Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings and motives.

A lot of people seem to think that in order to empathize, they must know how the other person is feeling. But what are the TRUE odds of that? No two situations are exactly alike. Can we really put ourselves in other peoples shoes? Or is it just enough that we TRY to do that?

Two weeks ago, my husband had a heart attack. There, I said it. Very scary, and completely unexpected. My husband is young, healthy, eats well, is active and has no family history of heart disease. Yet there he was, having an angioplasty.

Now that we are starting to come out on the other side, we can reflect on the experience and what it was like for everyone. We have been so blessed to have such amazing support and help from friends and family. The hard part is that you generally encounter peopl who struggle with empathy, likely because they never learned how to do it in their own families. Or they are narcissists (which is a whole other blog).

At any rate, I wanted to share my own ideas about empathy and what empathy is NOT.

Empathy is not saying "I know how you feel". No, you don't. Or no, I don't (when it is someone else). Unless your situation is 100% identical (which in this case, I can think of two people that I know who know what it is like to be facing the potential of being a widow with two small children), which is rare, you don't know how I feel. In the same way that I don't know how my husband felt to be the one going through what he was dealing with. Saying that you know how someone feels can come across as very condescending or dismissive. It is often something people say when they don't know what else TO say. And it shuts people down.
So what would be helpful? You can ask how someone feels. You can likely relate to a time in your life when you too felt sad, helpless, angry, scared, hurt... and that is helpful. My friend Kelly says, "How does it feel to be you today?" Beautiful.

If this is hard to do, it is also OK to say that you don't know what to say. Sometimes there are no words that are appropriate at that time. This doesn't mean that you aren't being empathetic. This doesn't mean you are less of a person. This simply means that you haven't been in that same situation- and you can still be there to listen, support or offer help to that person. Ask what it's like. Ask what they need. Don't assume that you know, or try to one-up with your own story. If you do have a story that is similar, ask permission to share it: "I remember when we thought my husband was having a stroke. I felt very helpless and anxious. Is that how you feel? If you would ever like to talk more about what was helpful for me, let me know".

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." Henri J.M. Nouwen

Protecting the Gift

I recently read "Protecting the Gift", a great book by Gavin de Becker. It is all about keeping your kids and teens safe in this world without being a freak. Seriously. Because what parent HASN'T had a freaky moment when they see a scary story on the news about a missing child... or reads the paper and kids are carrying weapons to school and shooting people? I know I have had my moments of panic wondering what could happen when my kids aren't within my eyesight (which, as a working mom, is the majority of the day).

What I loved most about this book is it not only brought things down to a realistic level, exploring things like how truly rare stranger abduction really is, it gave tools so that you, as the reader, can feel like you have some way to protect your child and prepare them to live safely in this world.

This book is especially timely in our house as our son nears an age where he is ready for more independence, and can legally be home alone for a short period of time. He is SO excited-- mom, not so much. There really is no way to prepare for every possible scenario, but I want to pass along to you something from deBecker's book that he calls "The Test of Twelve" that I definitely feel is a springboard for any parent to welcome an open discussion with your child to see how ready they are for more independence. Here we go:

Do your children know...

1. How to honor their feelings-- if someone makes them uncomfortable, that's an important signal.
   
2. You (the parents) are strong enough to hear about any experience they've had, no matter how unpleasant.
   
3. It's OK to rebuff and defy adults
4. It's OK to be assertive
5. How to ask for assistance or help
6. How to choose who to ask.
7. How to describe their peril.
   
8. It's OK to strike, even injure, someone if they believe they are in danger, and that you will support any action they take as a result of feeling uncomfortable or afraid.
   
9. It's OK to make noise, scream, yell or run.
   
10. If someone ever tries to force them to go somewhere, what they scream should include, "This is not my father" (because onlookers seeing a child scream or even struggle are likely to assume the adult is a parent).
    
11. If someone says, "Don't yell", the thing to do is yell (and the corollary: If someone says "Don't tell" the thing to do is tell).
    
12. To fully resist ever going anywhere out of public view with someone they don't know, and particularly to resist going anywhere with someone who tries to persuade them.
    

The biggest thing this book stresses is that we, as parents, MUST learn to trust our instincts, even if what we say to someone might hurt feelings. Every single example provided in this book-- parents who have had a child abducted, molested, mistreated, abused (you get the picture)-- looked back in hindsight and said that they IGNORED THEIR GUT. Often out of fear that they didn't want to be rude, or oversensitive.

When it comes to your kids- we can never be too sensitive. And we must teach our children to listen to their guts as well- that is their best protector.

The Annual Review

I had lunch with a friend yesterday, and we ended up in a discussion about employment reviews. We both shared stories about times in the past where we had felt like we were doing well, until it came time to sit down for the annual review and we remembered feeling disappointed when we were told that we were below expectations or even just “meeting” expectations. What did it take to “exceed” expectations?

This led to discussing communication. I don’t remember having many supervisors ever sitting be down, before or after, to tell me exactly what the expectations were. So how in the world was I ever supposed to move beyond the ubiquitous “meets” expectations? And were they satisfied with meeting expectations, when I considered that just mediocre? Most bosses seemed to be happy that I was merely “meeting” expectations. But I have always strived for more. Expectations are SO subjective that unless they are clearly laid out, people often remain clueless.

During my drive home, I started thinking about how this is a similar issue in relationships. Most people don’t sit down and perform an “annual review” (which should probably be more often) so there is not much of a chance for partners to share their thoughts about how their partners are doing. And your partner often doesn’t know what your expectations are either- so how on earth are THEY supposed to know if they are meeting your expectations nevermind move beyond and EXCEED them?

When I do marriage therapy, I actually have a “Relationship Report Card” that is graded on an A-F scale for several different areas in relationships from household responsibilities to showing love. You can grade your partner on how you think he or she is doing. I like to do this, because it not only shows me the areas that partners aren’t connecting well on, but also shows me that most couples do have areas where there are strengths, and they are scoring above a “C” average.

Consider what an annual review would look like with your partner. Instead of just complaining about where changes need to be made, ask yourself: What are the strengths in our relationship? And in the areas that need improvement, have I clearly explained my expectations? Are my expectations fair? Does it take more effort than the other person is capable of to meet or exceed expectations? Then sit down and have this discussion with your partner (or friend, or family member). Let them share with you. We do it for our job- why wouldn’t we do it for our most important relationships?