"I've been watching you" (part 1)

Note: This is a post that I thought more about and realized that I could write in two different ways. Rather than trying to make them flow together into one entry (that would involve a lot of thinking), I decided that I would write it in two parts.

This past weekend, my kids and I were at the library when they spied the Rodney Atkins CD. My daughter, who is 4 1/2, loudly exclaimed, "Mom! It's the "going through HELL" song!!" As I looked around, hoping that nobody from social services or any of my clients were within earshot, I grabbed the CD so that we could check it out.

Once we got into the van, the other song requested was "I've Been Watching You". This is an endearing song about how much our children learn from us. The first verse of the song goes like this:

Drivin’ through town just my boy and me

With a Happy Meal in his booster seat

Knowin’ that he couldn’t have the toy ‘til his nuggets were gone.

A green traffic light turned straight to red

I hit my brakes and mumbled under my breath.

His fries went a flyin’, and his orange drink covered his lap

Well, then my four year old said a four letter word

It started with “S” and I was concerned

So I said, “Son, now where’d you learn to talk like that?”

Chorus:

He said, "I’ve been watching you, dad ain’t that cool?

I’m your buckaroo, I wanna be like you.

And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are.

We got cowboy boots and camo pants

Yeah, we’re just alike, hey, ain’t we dad?

I want to do everything you do.

So I’ve been watching you."

Like the episode in the library, what parent hasn't had a moment of total failure where they feel like they have done, said, taught the wrong thing? We've sworn, we've yelled, we've been caught doing or saying things that we shouldn't have. And then we start the cycle of beating ourselves up over and over for being a "bad parent".

I know that other parents do this, because not only do I have friends that are parents, I have many clients who come in week after week, berating themselves for not being perfect, or missed opportunities. "I don't play with them enough" "What will they think of me someday?" There is so much pressure to mold our children into wonderful (read: perfect) human beings.

For the most part, these are great parents (the other part will be covered in part 2) and they just need to cut themselves some slack. Kids do not need "perfect" parents. They need parents who are, the majority of the time, attentive, loving and kind. Who are consistent and will provide appropriate discipline, limits and boundaries (is that redundant?).

Keep listening to the song... because it goes on to say:

We got back home and I went to the barn

I bowed my head and I prayed real hard

Said, “Lord, please help me help my stupid self.”

Just this side of bedtime later that night

Turnin’ on my son’s Scooby-Doo nightlight.

He crawled out of bed and he got down on his knees.

He closed his little eyes, folded his little hands

Spoke to God like he was talkin’ to a friend.

And I said, “Son, now where’d you learn to pray like that?”

It is definitely important to be a positive model for our children. However, it's not possible for us to be "perfect" models- we are going to make mistakes. We are going to have bad days. For women, there are hormones involved, for crying out loud!! Focus on the moments when you do model positive values and life lessons, and turn the "bad" ones into teachable moments.

You Be Responsible For You

As a mother of two kids (aged 7 and 4 1/2), this sentence can be heard often lately. There is a lot of tattling... a lot of "Mom- she did this!" "Mom- he said that!" going on at my home. My response... you got it. "You be responsible for you".

So what happens to people whose family-of-origins did not teach them to be accountable for their choices? Unfortunately, they tend to look like the couple in the picture here, where they are so busy pointing fingers at the other person that they aren't reflecting on being responsible for themselves.

I am currently working with a couple that is firmly embedded in this battle. It goes like this: Wife makes bad choice... husband bails her out. Wife gets angry because she feels like her husband is controlling her... he feels unappreciated. Neither have taken ownership of their role in this dance, which is a pattern of bad choices, enabling, assumptions and resentment.

Enter the marriage therapist, who gets to teach people how to be accountable, and how they can only correct their own role in the problem. In this case, the husband has to stop bailing his wife out. And the wife has to stop playing the victim role, and accept that she needs to gain tools to learn how to make better choices. Better yet, they could turn TOWARDS each other instead of away- a struggle for many married couples. It is hard to be vulnerable. For some people, it's hard to receive love.

If you are struggling in your relationship, think about the times that you have made the choice to not be responsible for your own actions. You can't control your partner. You can only be responsible for you.

“The best interests of the children”?

My parents divorced when I was 19. I am so grateful (if that word is appropriate?) that I was at an age where I did not have to go through custody arrangements. Although divorce is hard at any age, it is especially difficult on young children. They become the victims. And for every couple that I see who does divorce in a relatively healthy way, I see many more who don’t. Who hide behind the guise of what’s “in the best interests of the children” when really they themselves don’t want to suffer the consequences that divorce doles out.

In my practice as a marriage therapist, divorce is a common word. The hope is to prevent it, but sometimes that just doesn’t happen. Since many people end up divorcing (50%, right??), I decided that I wanted to help people do it better—in a way that is more civil, less emotionally taxing, and less costly—so I went through training to become a mediator. (If you aren’t familiar with mediation- check it out!! It is so much less damaging than a court litigated divorce).

This subject is in the forefront of my mind right now because of a family I am currently working with. The parents are really struggling. And while I believe they both genuinely love their children, they just cannot get it together. One parent has decided that it would be “in the best interests of the children” to go for sole custody. The other is hoping for joint.

The majority of research (I have to say it that way, because one can always find the exception) supports that sole custody is not only rarely awarded, but it is also rarely in the best interests of the children (yes, even in abuse situations). It is also not better for the parents, for that matter. Not only are the court battles that it takes to get sole custody awarded extremely emotional, they often get up into the five and six-figure range in cost. Joint custody has its challenges as well—but in general, the joint-custodial parent stays more involved and is more likely to contribute financially, which benefits families all-around. Parenting is about more than just "seeing" your kids (which sole custody sometimes affords)--it is about being involved in making decisions about their well-being. I have yet to meet a client who has been through divorce who was thankful that their custodial parent minimized contact and input from the other parent—and I have seen some toxic family situations.

No doubt, divorce is difficult. And- there are ways to do it better. Don’t let your anger towards your partner affect your kids. Seek counseling. Seek mediation. Seek out the opinion of a neutral child evaluator if you are truly stuck. Seek out a collaborative attorney. Do your research. The end result will truly be “in the best interests of the children”.