Forgiveness

"Please forgive me. I need you to forgive me."

These words were spoken in a recent couples session. One where one of the parties had had an affair, and the other was still working on trusting again. The one who has been cheated on was really having a hard time being able to say that she forgave

her husband.

I decided to take an approach of asking each of them what forgiveness meant to them. The wife said that she felt that forgiveness meant letting him off the hook. That it meant saying what he did was OK, and that we would never talk about it again. She wasn't ready to make that step. This version of forgiveness is one that I hear a lot. People think that it means saying "What you did was OK. Let's just forget about it" and that is really really hard to do!

The husband's version was different. To him it meant that she was saying she saw that he made a mistake, and she was choosing to not hold it against him anymore. That it didn't mean he was no longer accountable, or no longer had to work at rebuilding their marriage. But that it meant she accepted him as an imperfect person, and loved him despite that.

This discussion seemed very helpful for them. It really shows how subjective forgiveness can be. And that it really doesn't have to be about whose definition is right or wrong. My definition (for what it's worht) is somewhere in the middle-- forgiveness does not mean saying that it doesn't matter, or hurt or that we can't talk about it anymore. Heck, an affair is something that could come up in a conversation 20 years down the road! And it certainly doesn't mean that it's OK to go do it again. It means choosing to not let the hurt have so much power over you. That you notice that it takes up less of your energy. The intensity of the hurt is less. And it does mean accepting that we are imperfect, and that has to be OK.

If you are in a relationship where hurtful things have happened, and that the people involved believe forgiveness is important (and not everyone does. I myself am on the fence about this.) make sure to get a definition of what that even means to them. Don't assume that you know, because it could slow down the healing process.

Ass Out of U and Me....

Wife: So I was driving, and went a different way than he wanted to go, and unfortunately, there was a detour, which meant it took us a lot longer to get home. So he says, "Hmm... and your way was shorter, right?" *likely said with a hint of sarcasm*
Husband: (interrupting) Yeah! To which she freaks out at me and starts yelling! I can't take this anymore!
Wife: Well, he thinks I'm stupid. And I'm tired of it.
Husband: I was trying to be funny. I don't see how you couldn't understand that.
Wife: You always think I'm stupid. I figured you were mad at me, like usual, and this time was no exception.
Husband: I wasn't thinking that at all, actually. I was trying to lighten the mood!

And on it goes... putting aside the trigger words like, "You always" or "You never" or "like usual", notice the assumptions. Wife assumed that husband was making fun of her, treating her like she was dumb, and assumed that husband was mad at her for making a mistake. Husband (genuinely) was trying to lighten the mood, and wasn't intending to send that message at all. However, he was being sarcastic.
Unfortunately, couples have pasts. And the past issue can stem from family of origin problems (messages you received from your family about your character) or past issues from early on in marriage, when the couple really did struggle with communication. Or a combination of both. Every person has their "hot buttons".
So what to do?
STOP ASSUMING!!! There really is some element when a marriage is struggling to attempt to wipe the slate clean and try to give the benefit of the doubt. So take a break following a conflict, and come back to it after you have calmed down. Give yourself at least a half hour for this. Then, here are some other things to try:

• Rewind, and tell your partner what you were thinking/feeling/worrying about. It sounds tedious, but it can be helpful to try to break the conflict down piece by piece and see what happened.
  
• Ask checking questions, such as, "What did you mean by that?" or "I felt really hurt/sad/angry when you said/did [insert here]".
• Be sensitive to your partner's "hot buttons" and work really really REALLY hard to not push them. Not only is it not productive, it is disrespectful.
  
• Avoid sarcasm. In a conflict, it is never OK, and not productive.
• Mostly, don't pretend to be a mind-reader, or expect your partner to be one. That only happens in TV, books and movies.

All The World is a Stage...

Now and then in my practice (and in my life, but that's another blog...) I am reminded that people come into therapy even if they are not ready to do the work. I see this regularly with couples. Who doesn't know somebody who went to marriage counseling these days? And of those couples, there is often one person that comes just to pay lip service to the idea-- "I went to marriage counseling, but it didn't work, so we are getting divorced". Cynical, perhaps.

The reality is that people enter therapy, whether as part of a couple, or individually, at different stages of change. Some people are ready to dig in and do the work, and some aren't even close. Some think they are ready, but find that when a certain subject is touched on that might be super painful that they really aren't ready after all and terminate therapy. Sometimes I see them again, and sometimes I don't.

What helps me ride the wave of come-and-go patients is to remember Prochaska's Stages of Change model, which explains that people are generally in five stages that explains where they are at when it comes to motivation.

The first stage is "Precontemplation"-- the "I'm-not-even-thinking-about-change" stage. In fact, these clients are often the ones who are still blaming outside sources for their struggles. In the case of a couple, one person is blaming the other party for everything rather than willing to take ownership. In an individual case, this stage of change can look very victim-like. The hard part of being the therapist in this case is that it is VERY easy to alienate clients at this stage, as they are just not ready yet to be open to taking accountability, and if the therapist tries to push that, the client will often become angry, defensive, and not want to participate in therapy anymore. The key is to meet the client where they are at, validate their feelings and viewpoint, and go for a soft approach.

"Contemplation", the second stage, includes people that recognize a change needs to be made, but they are only read to dip their toes in the water. You hear a lot of "Yes, but...'s" in their reasoning, and a soft touch is still required. This phase also requires hanging in there with the client, and holding his or her hand, encouraging them to get more of their foot wet.

The third stage is "Preparation". Clients in this stage are ready to change, and are ready to set goals and take ownership for their role in the problem. These are model clients, and often do the homework that you ask them to do. They also really want to be successful, and success comes in letting the client determine their goals and have some choice in the method involved in that change (hmm... sounds like parenting a toddler!!).

"Action" staged clients are committed and future-focused. They are making changes and doing the things needed in hopes of having a better life. This is a fun stage to be in with a client because you see the wonderful things happening in their lives. The downside is that you cannot forget all of the work that happened before, because sometimes people take steps backwards. Enjoy and encourage this stage!

Finally, we have the "Maintenance" stage. This is where clients have made the changes they wanted to, and are working on maintaining (duh!) the changes. The best thing the therapist can do here, other than being a cheerleader, is to help the client plan for any regression or relapse that could occur. This can be done in a hopeful and positive, but realistic way. It gives the client power to manage their lives, and have a plan "just in case".

So there you have it. Over this week, keep these stages in mind, not just for therapy, but for ways that you can use them in your own lives. Do you know people that are trying to make changes? Or people that you desperately wish would make changes? Keeping these stages in mind can help you understand and cope with people who are not doing what we would like them to. You have to meet people where they are at- not where you would like them to be.

The "What If?" train to Crazy-Land...

Ah, the first day of school... windy, fall weather. Fresh school supplies. STRESS!

What???

Yes, stress. My firstborn started 2nd grade today, and with the excitement of a new year comes the reminder as a parent that my kids are getting older every day. And it is so true that time goes faster as you age.

As much as the logical mom in my brain knows that my son will be totally fine, and will come home with stories to tell, the crazy mom in my brain (hopefully you have one of those too) starts thinking about what could happen. "What if he gets teased about the mohawk he wanted to have?" "What if the healthy nutritious McDonald's breakfast that he had this morning backs up on him?" I don't really worry about that last one, but ya know, I have to sound CRAZY here.



The point is, that when our children go to school, we lose control. And losing control equals anxiety. What to do?



First- time for a reality check. Asking yourself what is the likelihood that these things would happen? If the likelihood is low- great. You can remind yourself of that. If that doesn't work, hop on the "What If?" train and ask yourself what you would do if it DID happen? What if my son got teased at school about his hair? What would I say? How could I help him?



That leads to my second tip... if you're not sure what to do or say, talk about it. Talk with friends who have kids. Ask a professional. Read a book. Do research online. It's always good to have a toolbox. And it's totally OK to tell your kids that you need to think about it and get back to them (if you don't know what to do or say). They will still respect you, and you model to them that it's OK to look to others for help.



Finally, take care of yourself. If you have a serious anxiety issue, your kids can feel it. And genetics play a role as well- so if you have a chemical anxiety disorder, your kids can inherit it. So be prepared to help them, because research shows that helping kids manage their anxiety earlier in childhood can prevent an anxiety disorder in adulthood by remapping their brains (cool, huh??). The best way to help them is to get help for yourself.