When Mothers Day isn't happy

Tomorrow is Mothers Day (FYI, if you forgot!) and for many, this is a day of celebration and excitement. The day you are showered with love from those who appreciate that you gave birth to them. (There are moms who DON'T get showered... but that's a whole other blog!). However, for some women, Mothers Day can be downright painful. A day that they feel like climbing under the covers and sleeping the day away, just to not be reminded of the fact that they don't have children to show them love.
In my clinical practice, I specialize in all things pregnancy. Unfortunately, this sometimes includes infertility and loss. Many of these women really struggle with feeling sad, angry, and jealous on Mothers Day. They wish that people would acknowledge what is often the elephant in the room. Often, people just aren't sure WHAT to do or say, because it's uncomfortable, so they ignore it. If you know someone who is in either of these situations, I would like to offer some suggestions to you.

Infertility
For those of you who know someone who has spent many months or years trying to have a baby, Mothers Day is a reminder of what they don't or, in some cases, can't have. For some women, this is very fresh, and some other women have grieved to a point of acceptance so the feelings may not be as intense. It's still best to not ignore this. Here are some things NOT to say:

• I'm so jealous that you got to sleep in this morning. My kids made me a cold/burnt/unhealthy breakfast in bed at 5:30 AM. (A woman who desperately wants women would LOVE to have been woken up to this surprise). 
• I bet by next Mothers Day, you will have one of your own. (You can't say that for sure, and it minimizes that this Mothers Day is painful for her). 
• You can have my kids- HA HA HA... (Again, see the first example. She would love to have your kids!)

Instead, try saying something along the lines of, "How are you doing today? Is Mothers Day a hard day for you?" It is an open-ended question that allows her to either give a short response or elaborate on her feelings. Offer her a hug. Tell her that you are sorry that this is hard for her. Don't tell her you know you feel, unless you do.

Loss
For those who know someone who has experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death, especially if it is recent, it is very common to want to avoid discussing it. It's painful, and many people, as with infertility, just aren't sure what to do or say. Here are some things to NOT say:

• You can always have another one.   (1) You don't know that for sure and 2) It completely dismisses the loss of the baby they are not holding in their arms). 
• He/She is in a better place/This was God's Will/etc. (Moms would really love to have their baby with them to be celebrating Mothers Day, rather than imagining how old the baby would be, or visiting a marker in a cemetary). 
• Anything in the above examples under infertility also applies here.

The biggest difference in a loss situation is that the woman did get to become a mother. Ignoring this fact is incredibly painful. Ask her how she is doing. Ask her if she would like to talk about it. Give her a Mothers Day card. If you can't find one at the card store, a blank one with a heartfelt note will speak volumes.
Ultimately, it is also OK if you just don't know WHAT to do or say. For some situations, there are no words. Your presence, a hug, an acknowledgement of her feelings, is enough. It's OK to say, "I don't know what to say". Just knowing that you are thinking about them and not ignoring their pain is enough.