Self-care = Selfish

This has been a common theme this week. I work with many postpartum mamas, and I have had this conversation at least twice this week, how they feel like taking care of themselves is selfish. Wanting to do nice things, wanting time alone, wanting a break from being a mom... you "shouldn't" want those things. You "should" be grateful that you can be a stay-at-home mom/that your baby is healthy/that you get to have a baby/fill in reason here.

Women are socialized to give until it hurts. Their own needs come last, especially when it comes to parenting. So when they want to put their own needs first, if they even give themselves permission to do so, they often find themselves feeling guilty and not enjoying the time anyways.
Why do we do this to ourselves??? There are many reasons-- culture, media, our upbringing, competition among other moms, the list goes on. Some divine intervention led me to this timely passage in my "Radical Acceptance" book (Author- Tara Brach. If you haven't read it, you should!):
"We are encouraged by our culture to keep ourselves comfortable, to be right, to possess things, to be better than others, to look good, to be admired. We are also told that we should feel ashamed of our selfishness, that we are flawed for being so self-centered, sinful when we are indulgent".
What a mixed message. And unfortunately true.

I often pull out the oxygen mask analogy when I am working with moms. You know, when you're on the airplane and the flight attendant tells you to put your own oxygen mask on before assisting small children? And in our heads, we cringe a bit and say that's ridiculous- we would help our kids first. But the truth is that if we as parents aren't breathing, we can't help our children, or anyone else for that matter.

Self-care is your oxygen supply. Take time to think about what fulfills you. Start with basic needs-- sleep, water, food and exercise. Most people, let alone new parents, are not getting these basic needs met. After that, think about what you used to do before having kids-- going out with friends, or on a date with your partner. Going to the coffee shop with a book. Taking your camera and enjoying nature. All of these things are self-care, and are necessary for your mental health. What can you do this long weekend to take care of yourself? It doesn't need to take long. Stop making excuses!