Making time for your partner

I'm reading a book about Eve (as in Adam and Eve), and in one chapter, she ends by saying:
"But that summer, away from the Garden and pregnant again, surrounded by so many mindless and repetitive chores and too many mouths that needed and needed again, I felt cut off from Adam, shorn from the main stem of our love, and pruned so far back that any further growth was impossible."

Wow- even EVE felt this way (I know, this is a work of fiction based on research, but still!!). This issue has come up in my work with couples this week, and as a mother of young kids, I understand how hard it is to take care of your marriage, and not feel how much it changes once kids are added to the equation. Some research points to that marriage satisfaction dips as much as 90% when kids enter the relationship! That's a lot!
So how do we take care of our relationships? Why do we feel so inclined to put energy into relationships with co-workers, friends, kids, but not the person who is supposed to be our best friend? Sometimes it is because we don't know how, and sometimes it is because we just take for granted that our best friend will always be there for us. However, the divorce statistics say otherwise. The people having affairs says otherwise.

Some ideas:
1) Start small. Pick one time of the day, and work to set a habit of devoting at least 15 minutes to your partner, where you are sitting and talking about your day, something that is on your heart, just connecting. This CAN be done with kids around! You do not need to entertain your kids 24/7! You are not a bad parent if you tell the kids to keep themselves occupied while you connect with mom or dad. Set a timer, explain to them that this is grown-up time and there will be a consequence for interrupting (unless there is blood or vomit involved- then it's OK). They may interrupt a lot at first, but eventually, they will learn that this time is for grown-ups and they are fine.
2) Make a small sacrifice. Personally, once the kids are in bed, it is "me time", and I do not like giving that up. But sometimes, I have to. Many people feel this way. Or say they are too tired to connect with their partner. But consider this... what if someone else in your life needed 15-30 minutes of your time when it was not super convenient for you. Would you usually make it? Choose to make it for your spouse at least once a week (to start). Yes, you're tired- but you would do it for anyone else: your kids, your boss, your friend, your neighbor... why not your best friend?

Small changes lead to big changes. You will feel more connected and happier in your relationship!
                                                       

Asking for help... the other side

I meet many people in both my personal and professional life- and have been guilty of this myself- who have difficulty asking for help. Perhaps it is because they are afraid to bother people. Perhaps it's because they don't know what they want. And perhaps it is because they feel like nobody wants to help them. I would like to put you in the shoes of the other person- the one who is likely sitting there waiting to be asked for help- and hope this can be a useful perspective the next time you find yourself in need.
1) When you don't ask for what you need, you are putting the other person in the position of being a mind-reader. This can be frustrating all around. I have worked with couples in therapy that use a lot of energy wishing that their partner would "just know" what they need. Or that they should know, because their partner knows them better than anyone else, right? This is not fair or realistic. We are not mind-readers (and that works both ways!) so you can save a lot of hurt or resentful feelings by not assuming anything and just being direct.
2) The other person genuinely (usually) really wants to help. How many times, after something tragic happens, do people come up and say, "If you need something, please let me know". Ideally, the person offering could just do something, but more often than not, people just don't know what to do. But they really do want to help, and they really not know what you want or need. Sometimes you really don't want another casserole, or more phone calls, but would really love [insert want/need here]. Take people up on their offers. You are not being a bother.
3) Speaking of directness, I will just say it: sometimes it can just be downright annoying when a person continually refuses to assert their needs. You know the person- the one who complains, and then turns down offers of help or support? And then you hear second (or third) hand that the person is still really in need of your help. This really stirs up a yucky pot of mixed emotions, assumptions and misinformation. If someone offers help, and you really could use help, accept the offer.

I genuinely believe that for the most part, people are good and live by the Golden Rule. If somebody offers help, take it! If you need it, it is OK to ask for it- it doesn't make you a bad person- it makes you human.