You Be Responsible For You

As a mother of two kids (aged 7 and 4 1/2), this sentence can be heard often lately. There is a lot of tattling... a lot of "Mom- she did this!" "Mom- he said that!" going on at my home. My response... you got it. "You be responsible for you".

So what happens to people whose family-of-origins did not teach them to be accountable for their choices? Unfortunately, they tend to look like the couple in the picture here, where they are so busy pointing fingers at the other person that they aren't reflecting on being responsible for themselves.

I am currently working with a couple that is firmly embedded in this battle. It goes like this: Wife makes bad choice... husband bails her out. Wife gets angry because she feels like her husband is controlling her... he feels unappreciated. Neither have taken ownership of their role in this dance, which is a pattern of bad choices, enabling, assumptions and resentment.

Enter the marriage therapist, who gets to teach people how to be accountable, and how they can only correct their own role in the problem. In this case, the husband has to stop bailing his wife out. And the wife has to stop playing the victim role, and accept that she needs to gain tools to learn how to make better choices. Better yet, they could turn TOWARDS each other instead of away- a struggle for many married couples. It is hard to be vulnerable. For some people, it's hard to receive love.

If you are struggling in your relationship, think about the times that you have made the choice to not be responsible for your own actions. You can't control your partner. You can only be responsible for you.