“The best interests of the children”?

My parents divorced when I was 19. I am so grateful (if that word is appropriate?) that I was at an age where I did not have to go through custody arrangements. Although divorce is hard at any age, it is especially difficult on young children. They become the victims. And for every couple that I see who does divorce in a relatively healthy way, I see many more who don’t. Who hide behind the guise of what’s “in the best interests of the children” when really they themselves don’t want to suffer the consequences that divorce doles out.

In my practice as a marriage therapist, divorce is a common word. The hope is to prevent it, but sometimes that just doesn’t happen. Since many people end up divorcing (50%, right??), I decided that I wanted to help people do it better—in a way that is more civil, less emotionally taxing, and less costly—so I went through training to become a mediator. (If you aren’t familiar with mediation- check it out!! It is so much less damaging than a court litigated divorce).

This subject is in the forefront of my mind right now because of a family I am currently working with. The parents are really struggling. And while I believe they both genuinely love their children, they just cannot get it together. One parent has decided that it would be “in the best interests of the children” to go for sole custody. The other is hoping for joint.

The majority of research (I have to say it that way, because one can always find the exception) supports that sole custody is not only rarely awarded, but it is also rarely in the best interests of the children (yes, even in abuse situations). It is also not better for the parents, for that matter. Not only are the court battles that it takes to get sole custody awarded extremely emotional, they often get up into the five and six-figure range in cost. Joint custody has its challenges as well—but in general, the joint-custodial parent stays more involved and is more likely to contribute financially, which benefits families all-around. Parenting is about more than just "seeing" your kids (which sole custody sometimes affords)--it is about being involved in making decisions about their well-being. I have yet to meet a client who has been through divorce who was thankful that their custodial parent minimized contact and input from the other parent—and I have seen some toxic family situations.

No doubt, divorce is difficult. And- there are ways to do it better. Don’t let your anger towards your partner affect your kids. Seek counseling. Seek mediation. Seek out the opinion of a neutral child evaluator if you are truly stuck. Seek out a collaborative attorney. Do your research. The end result will truly be “in the best interests of the children”.