Ass Out of U and Me....

Wife: So I was driving, and went a different way than he wanted to go, and unfortunately, there was a detour, which meant it took us a lot longer to get home. So he says, "Hmm... and your way was shorter, right?" *likely said with a hint of sarcasm*
Husband: (interrupting) Yeah! To which she freaks out at me and starts yelling! I can't take this anymore!
Wife: Well, he thinks I'm stupid. And I'm tired of it.
Husband: I was trying to be funny. I don't see how you couldn't understand that.
Wife: You always think I'm stupid. I figured you were mad at me, like usual, and this time was no exception.
Husband: I wasn't thinking that at all, actually. I was trying to lighten the mood!

And on it goes... putting aside the trigger words like, "You always" or "You never" or "like usual", notice the assumptions. Wife assumed that husband was making fun of her, treating her like she was dumb, and assumed that husband was mad at her for making a mistake. Husband (genuinely) was trying to lighten the mood, and wasn't intending to send that message at all. However, he was being sarcastic.
Unfortunately, couples have pasts. And the past issue can stem from family of origin problems (messages you received from your family about your character) or past issues from early on in marriage, when the couple really did struggle with communication. Or a combination of both. Every person has their "hot buttons".
So what to do?
STOP ASSUMING!!! There really is some element when a marriage is struggling to attempt to wipe the slate clean and try to give the benefit of the doubt. So take a break following a conflict, and come back to it after you have calmed down. Give yourself at least a half hour for this. Then, here are some other things to try:

• Rewind, and tell your partner what you were thinking/feeling/worrying about. It sounds tedious, but it can be helpful to try to break the conflict down piece by piece and see what happened.
  
• Ask checking questions, such as, "What did you mean by that?" or "I felt really hurt/sad/angry when you said/did [insert here]".
• Be sensitive to your partner's "hot buttons" and work really really REALLY hard to not push them. Not only is it not productive, it is disrespectful.
  
• Avoid sarcasm. In a conflict, it is never OK, and not productive.
• Mostly, don't pretend to be a mind-reader, or expect your partner to be one. That only happens in TV, books and movies.