The Dry Years

A combination of today's crappy weather and reading "East of Eden" inspired today's blog...

"I have spoken of the rich years when the rainfall was plentiful. But there were dry years too, and they put a terror on the valley. The water came in a thirty-year cycle. There would be five or six wet and wonderful years when there might be nineteen to twenty-five inches of rain. Then would come six or seven pretty good years of twelve to sixteen inches of rain, and the land would shout with grass. And then the dry years would come, and sometimes there would be only seven or eight inches of rain. The land dried up and the grasses headed out miserably a few inches high and great bare scabby places appeared in the valley...And it never failed that during the dry years the people forgot about the rich years, and during the wet years they lost all memory of the dry years. It was always that way." ~ East of Eden by John Steinbeck

So where is your marriage right now? Is it in the wet years, where love is warm and plentiful, and your marriage is getting plenty of rain? Or is it in a dry spell, where there is a lot of conflict, no connection, and a lot of resentment? And our human nature, as Steinbeck mentions, is to focus on where we are RIGHT NOW instead of being able to wistfully remember the wonderful times, especially when your marriage is in danger of drying up completely and slowly dying.

Let's focus first on the wet times. Ah- that's easy. You are in love, enjoy each others company, cherish and appreciate each other. Or perhaps you are in the medium-wet times where things are good, and life is status quo. Easy to enjoy, right? And not think about the dry times? This can be dangerous, because it can lead to complacency- which is not a good place to be. I don't want to suggest that you not enjoy the wet times, but rather that you take time out occasionally to appreciate the rain. Remember the dry times (briefly) and how far you have come, and how you got out of that dry time. Recognize the hard work and time that having a great relationship entails.

The dry times are harder to turn around. If you are in a dry spot in your relationship, take the time to think about what the wet times were like. What was different? What were you doing differently? What did you take the time for? How did you show each other love, respect and appreciation? What were your priorities and values? How have you weathered difficult times in the past? Those people are still there, hiding under a dusty veneer.

This cycle is very normal. We cannot sustain the high energy and passion of being in love forever. And then you add children to the mix, and scientifically, marital satisfaction takes a big dip. But it can come back up- if you focus on your strengths and successes together as a couple. Take some time today to think about how you can water your marriage.