The definition of empathy: Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings and motives.
A lot of people seem to think that in order to empathize, they must know how the other person is feeling. But what are the TRUE odds of that? No two situations are exactly alike. Can we really put ourselves in other peoples shoes? Or is it just enough that we TRY to do that?
Two weeks ago, my husband had a heart attack. There, I said it. Very scary, and completely unexpected. My husband is young, healthy, eats well, is active and has no family history of heart disease. Yet there he was, having an angioplasty.
Now that we are starting to come out on the other side, we can reflect on the experience and what it was like for everyone. We have been so blessed to have such amazing support and help from friends and family. The hard part is that you generally encounter peopl who struggle with empathy, likely because they never learned how to do it in their own families. Or they are narcissists (which is a whole other blog).
At any rate, I wanted to share my own ideas about empathy and what empathy is NOT.
Empathy is not saying "I know how you feel". No, you don't. Or no, I don't (when it is someone else). Unless your situation is 100% identical (which in this case, I can think of two people that I know who know what it is like to be facing the potential of being a widow with two small children), which is rare, you don't know how I feel. In the same way that I don't know how my husband felt to be the one going through what he was dealing with. Saying that you know how someone feels can come across as very condescending or dismissive. It is often something people say when they don't know what else TO say. And it shuts people down.
So what would be helpful? You can ask how someone feels. You can likely relate to a time in your life when you too felt sad, helpless, angry, scared, hurt... and that is helpful. My friend Kelly says, "How does it feel to be you today?" Beautiful.
If this is hard to do, it is also OK to say that you don't know what to say. Sometimes there are no words that are appropriate at that time. This doesn't mean that you aren't being empathetic. This doesn't mean you are less of a person. This simply means that you haven't been in that same situation- and you can still be there to listen, support or offer help to that person. Ask what it's like. Ask what they need. Don't assume that you know, or try to one-up with your own story. If you do have a story that is similar, ask permission to share it: "I remember when we thought my husband was having a stroke. I felt very helpless and anxious. Is that how you feel? If you would ever like to talk more about what was helpful for me, let me know".
"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." Henri J.M. Nouwen
A lot of people seem to think that in order to empathize, they must know how the other person is feeling. But what are the TRUE odds of that? No two situations are exactly alike. Can we really put ourselves in other peoples shoes? Or is it just enough that we TRY to do that?
Two weeks ago, my husband had a heart attack. There, I said it. Very scary, and completely unexpected. My husband is young, healthy, eats well, is active and has no family history of heart disease. Yet there he was, having an angioplasty.
Now that we are starting to come out on the other side, we can reflect on the experience and what it was like for everyone. We have been so blessed to have such amazing support and help from friends and family. The hard part is that you generally encounter peopl who struggle with empathy, likely because they never learned how to do it in their own families. Or they are narcissists (which is a whole other blog).
At any rate, I wanted to share my own ideas about empathy and what empathy is NOT.
Empathy is not saying "I know how you feel". No, you don't. Or no, I don't (when it is someone else). Unless your situation is 100% identical (which in this case, I can think of two people that I know who know what it is like to be facing the potential of being a widow with two small children), which is rare, you don't know how I feel. In the same way that I don't know how my husband felt to be the one going through what he was dealing with. Saying that you know how someone feels can come across as very condescending or dismissive. It is often something people say when they don't know what else TO say. And it shuts people down.
So what would be helpful? You can ask how someone feels. You can likely relate to a time in your life when you too felt sad, helpless, angry, scared, hurt... and that is helpful. My friend Kelly says, "How does it feel to be you today?" Beautiful.
If this is hard to do, it is also OK to say that you don't know what to say. Sometimes there are no words that are appropriate at that time. This doesn't mean that you aren't being empathetic. This doesn't mean you are less of a person. This simply means that you haven't been in that same situation- and you can still be there to listen, support or offer help to that person. Ask what it's like. Ask what they need. Don't assume that you know, or try to one-up with your own story. If you do have a story that is similar, ask permission to share it: "I remember when we thought my husband was having a stroke. I felt very helpless and anxious. Is that how you feel? If you would ever like to talk more about what was helpful for me, let me know".
"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." Henri J.M. Nouwen
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