I am reading a book called "Contemplating Divorce" by Susan Pease Gadoua, and the place I am at (in the book) is about taking accountability for your role in the problem.
As a marriage therapist, I see polarized couples nearly every day. Ready to come in, pointing the finger and laying out years of gripes about what the other person has done. Some are ready to take accountability for their own faults, many are not. You've heard it, I'm sure, that while you are pointing the finger at someone else, there are three pointing back at yourself? Right.
The fact is, even if your spouse did something horrendous-- an affair, abuse, spending all of your savings-- more often than not, both parties played a role in this dynamic. From the book (p. 91):
"You may feel very strongly that your spouse's behavior is the problem in your relationship and that you are perfectly justified in your actions and reactions. But until you understand that you play a part in maintaining unhealthy patterns by accepting the unacceptable, not drawing boundaries, not speaking your mind, failing to ask for what you need, or biting the bait your spouse sets out for you, you will perpetuate the pattern."
While we know that we can't change other people (or if you didn't know that, I am here to tell you that now) we can focus on our own behavior. If you find yourself making excuses to others, or helping him (or her) cover up bad behavior, that is enabling. If you continue to bail the other person out. If you share your feelings, but your actions don't match up, or you don't follow through with what you said you would do, you are playing a role in the unhealthy dynamic.
The book goes on to talk about that much of this enabling comes from unmet needs and low self-esteem. Remind yourself that you are WORTH a healthy relationship. Everyone is. If you need help learning to feel that way and believe that is true, get some help. Until you take part for your role, the dynamic will remain unhealthy.
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