If you bring your child to counseling...

In my role of Marriage and Family Therapist and as a Divorce Mediator, I am often encountering parents who are divorcing and who want some support for their children. Since I work with children, I have often been in the sticky spot of providing therapy for children who are coping with a parents divorce. The difficulty is that there are times when parents, whether intentional or not, have an underlying motive of hoping that the therapist may provide some information that will help their case in court-- the case against the other parent.
The problem with this is that it creates a white elephant in the office that takes away the safety that I believe parents really do want their children to have. A place to come talk about feelings and work through any struggles they are dealing with.
Because parents are human with their own feelings, they have difficulty separating their emotions from their child's needs. And this can get very muddy. In an effort to help protect this space, the therapy setting, some therapists choose to make a "Safe Harbor Agreement" with parents that sets out guidelines that will help build a barrier around the therapeutic relationship.
A "Safe Harbor Agreement" asks parents to sign a document that states that they will not, under any circumstances (well, OK, aside from mandated reporting of abuse) allow their attorney to subpoena records from the child's therapist without the child's consent. It also states that the therapist agrees to not divulge information about therapy with the child without the child's consent.
You might be thinking, "Why would I let my child decide that?" and/or "Why would I agree to that?". Here are some reasons why:
1) If you are bringing your child to therapy because he/she is struggling emotionally with divorce, think about how it could affect the child further, or the child's relationship with one of his/her parents, if the content of his therapy was dragged into court. This erodes trust, and sends the message to the child that they do not deserve a place to have safe communication that cannot be invaded. I have unfortunately seen this happen, and it can have far-reaching consequences for the child about learning to not trust people, persons of authority, or persons who are genuinely trying to help them. It can damage future relationships, and their view of marriage.
2) The therapeutic relationship is supposed to be safe. If information is made public, it is no longer a safe place, and the one place where the child may have felt he/she could share feelings and thoughts without retribution is no longer available.
3) Finally, the therapeutic relationship should be about the child. If you have a hidden agenda, hoping that the therapist will uncover something big that will help a court case, please be upfront about that, so that the therapist can talk with you about alternative ways to get that information. There are other avenues to pursue that can help you gather information. Please let the therapy be about helping your child, and helping foster his/her well-being, and his place in the family.

It's not MY fault...

I am reading a book called "Contemplating Divorce" by Susan Pease Gadoua, and the place I am at (in the book) is about taking accountability for your role in the problem.

As a marriage therapist, I see polarized couples nearly every day. Ready to come in, pointing the finger and laying out years of gripes about what the other person has done. Some are ready to take accountability for their own faults, many are not. You've heard it, I'm sure, that while you are pointing the finger at someone else, there are three pointing back at yourself? Right.

The fact is, even if your spouse did something horrendous-- an affair, abuse, spending all of your savings-- more often than not, both parties played a role in this dynamic. From the book (p. 91):

"You may feel very strongly that your spouse's behavior is the problem in your relationship and that you are perfectly justified in your actions and reactions. But until you understand that you play a part in maintaining unhealthy patterns by accepting the unacceptable, not drawing boundaries, not speaking your mind, failing to ask for what you need, or biting the bait your spouse sets out for you, you will perpetuate the pattern."

While we know that we can't change other people (or if you didn't know that, I am here to tell you that now) we can focus on our own behavior. If you find yourself making excuses to others, or helping him (or her) cover up bad behavior, that is enabling. If you continue to bail the other person out. If you share your feelings, but your actions don't match up, or you don't follow through with what you said you would do, you are playing a role in the unhealthy dynamic.

The book goes on to talk about that much of this enabling comes from unmet needs and low self-esteem. Remind yourself that you are WORTH a healthy relationship. Everyone is. If you need help learning to feel that way and believe that is true, get some help. Until you take part for your role, the dynamic will remain unhealthy.