"I'm sorry"

"I'm sorry". A short phrase that can mean so many things, and have such loaded emotion, for many people. There are many different ways to apologize. Some people prefer words, while others prefer action. Here are some common relationship issues when it comes to apology. (Note: This blog is written in reference to romantic relationships, but these tips can apply to friendships, co-workers, etc. If you have difficulty in one relationship, there is often difficulty in others).
1) The inability to actually say the words, "I'm sorry". Some people are extremely uncomfortable saying these words, whether because they have difficulty admitting they were wrong or because they truly believe that they didn't do anything wrong. Apology isn't always about admitting you were wrong- although taking accountability for behavior is definitely important- but more about admitting that you hurt the other person. Sometimes there is no right or wrong, but if something hurtful was done, it can cause a lot of damage in a relationship to not take ownership that you recognize the hurt feelings and try to make amends for them.
2) For some, hearing the words is not as important as actually being shown that the other person is sorry. I have worked with couples who have often stated that their partner has difficulty actually saying they are sorry, but that they can tell the other person is sorry because they change their attitude, and do nice things for the other person-- giving a back rub, making a meal, offering to help more around the house. This can be perfectly OK, as long as the other party finds this acceptable, and knows that this is what their partner is trying to do.
3) Some have no difficulty saying they are sorry, but after repeatedly committing the same offense over and over, the words become meaningless. The person hearing the apology holds out hope that maybe this time their partner will actually change their behavior, only to feel let down time after time when that doesn't happen. Apology without change becomes meaningless.
4) Some say they accept the apology, but then their behavior and non-verbals show otherwise. This is a sign of a resentful person showing passive-aggressive behavior. This often leaves the other party feeling confused and hurt as well. Two people feeling hurt and confused in a relationship is not a good thing.
People often learn how to apologize (or not apologize) in their own families of origin. Think about what was modeled in yours, and how you are possibly repeating the pattern in your own relationship. What can you do about that? How was apology modeled in your partner's family of origin? They are likely doing what they learned as well.
Next, have a discussion with your partner about apology. Ask him/her how they like to receive apology. Are the words important, or do actions matter more? Do they want to have both? Try to find a way to give your partner what they are really wanting, and admit that it is hard for you. Ask yourselves what gets in the way of change. Is it your difficulty being vulnerable, or your partner's response? Is it because you don't know exactly what to do? Do you have difficulty receiving apology? Having an open discussion can clarify these things. After all, neither you nor your partner is a mind-reader.
Apology is a skill that most of us were not taught to do well. People can change.