Things Will Never be the Same

Many of the new moms that I work with come in with the goal of "being like my old self". When I was newer to this field, I felt that was a realistic goal. We would discuss what that would look like, and how they would know when they are making progress, as any good therapist should in the process of treatment planning.

However, the longer that I work with this very special population of clients, and the further I get away from my own experience with postpartum depression (PPD), I realize that it is NOT a realistic goal. I also realize that often, people make their new experience to a new phase of their journey and realize that not only is that not a realistic goal, but that going through a perinatal mood/anxiety disorder (or PMAD for short) has strengthened them.

You don't believe me, do you?

You see, going through a PMAD is a life changing event. And in many cases, it is a traumatic one. Having a baby is supposed to be the happiest event in your life. You are supposed to be glowing, and thrilled, and becoming a mother or father should be "natural" and a state of bliss. Right? WRONG. Even for a parent who has not experienced a PMAD, becoming a parent is not always an easy transition. You are sleep deprived, generally feeling awful about your body, feeling incompetent at moments, and have a lack of time for your relationships. Now throw in some depression, anxiety, OCD, birth trauma, a preemie, multiples, etc. etc. etc, and one might be able to see how this could be a life-altering experience.

Living with a PMAD is like creating a line in the middle of your life- "before PMAD" and "after PMAD". Just like any other line with a before and after, there are changes that happen. A PMAD can change how you view the world, and everyone in it. You may become more cynical. You will likely learn who you can (and cannot) count on. You will be reminded that life is not fair. A PMAD can also change your body chemistry so that your brain may not be capable of going back to how it was "before". Generally, with a combination of therapy and self-care, and often, medication, you can return to a very good level of functioning. But you as a person are still different.

There are positives that come out of this experience as well. In hindsight, people are able to look back and see that they didn't realize how strong they were. How resilient they were. How wonderful their partner is, or how their relationship was strengthened as a result of weathering such a storm. But just like going through any major life altering event, like cancer, or a death, you are still not the same person that you were before.

Being the "same" does not mean that you failed. It means accepting that because of this event, you will not be the same. Ever. And that isn't a bad thing. You will be stronger, braver, and healthier. You may have scars, but you have a story of perseverance to go with the scars.