I've Been Watching You (part 2)

So now for something completely different. You know the cheesy old saying, "When you point the finger at me, there are four fingers pointed back at you"? Cheesy... but true.

A big reason that I decided to work with children (or actually, it was less of a decision and more that I feel like I keep being pushed into it by a higher power) was because I worked with kids during my internship, and saw several parents who had the attitude that if I "fix" their child, everything will be hunky dory. If only it were that easy.

I have had many kids brought into my office for some variation on the following:
"Why does my child lie?"
"Why is my child mean to his brother/sister/friends/schoolmates?"
"Why does my teenager not respect me/follow the rules/break curfew/have no responsibility?"
"Why are girls SO mean?"

While there are definitely tools that we can give our children, another important piece is to take ownership of your own piece of the pizza pie. Our children are ALWAYS watching us. Always. Even when we think they aren't paying attention, they are taking in every word. Even if we think we are hiding how we feel about things, they figure it out. Even if we aren't paying attention to our own actions and behavior, they are. And it starts at a VERY young age.

So take a step back and think about the struggles you have with your child, and how you could possibly be contributing to them. Have you ever called in sick to work when you weren't sick, and your child was listening to that call? Have you gossiped with the neighbor while the kids are playing underfoot? Have you modeled hurtful communication in your relationship while your kids are within earshot? Have you not listened to what your children had to say and invalidated how they feel? Do you do EVERYTHING for them, so that when they leave for college, they still have no idea how to manage time or clean up after themselves?

Being a parent is hard work. I know that I would love to lie about my child's age so that I can get a reduced rate at the movie theater. I have yelled at my kids to "STOP YELLING!" (oops!). And I have for sure said some choice swear words in front of the kids (Hey- I'm human too! And when I stub my toe, it *&^&$%^ hurts!!). Unfortunately, kids cannot see what you model and discern in what situations lying, stealing and swearing are OK. Instead of beating yourself up for this, take accountability, model being able to apologize and explain how you could have handled it differently. Your kids (and their friends and future spouses/partners) will thank you for it later!