Date night (or day)!!

Yesterday, my husband and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary (Yay us!!). It is a great milestone, and one that feels almost surreal. Wow- 10 years! We were talking about how when we got married, 10 years sounded like an awful long time (well, not "awful" awful, but you know what I mean!).

My husband and I have also talked at great length, prior to getting married even, about what we are going to do to make our marriage a success. I think everyone assumes that because I am a marriage therapist we have a "perfect" marriage. The tools I have help, for sure, but it takes two to work at a marriage. I would like to think we have a great (not perfect) marriage because we both invest and protect it.

My parents divorced when I was 19. One of the observations (in hindsight, of course) about my parents marriage was that they rarely dated each other. This has always been important to me, and something we make the effort to do. So I thought about a way I could incorporate this into my blog this week, in an effort to be helpful.

What has worked for us very well is to plan daytime dates. We both work full-time outside of the home, so one of the advantages we have is that we have childcare during the day. This definitely makes the plan a whole lot easier. For couples who don't have this option, I encourage you to seek out other resources-- family members, teens in the neighborhood, or another parent that you know. Then, once the kids are taken care of (if you have kids), go on your date.

The beauty of daytime dates? I can't name enough reasons. But here are some:

• We're not TIRED!!! This is probably the best thing. There is none of that stifling a yawn, sneakily checking your watch, thinking-- "I would rather be at home getting ready for bed".


• We're not rushed. We have more than a 2-3 hour window in which we don't have to worry about getting home in time for the babysitter to go to a party. Or think about that if we don't get home by 11 pm, we're going to be zombies tomorrow (because our kids internal clocks don't change just because we're out late!!). This means we actually get to spend more time together than we would have during an evening date.


• We actually save money, because we have already budgeted for childcare. We don't have to add the cost of another sitter on top of that. And the stress of finding a sitter, the resentment of the woman feeling like it's always her responsibility to find a sitter (again, the benefits are endless). I know this example may not fit everyone's situation, but it is great for us.


• There are more date options. There are things we can do that are open during the day that aren't available at night. It's also generally less expensive to have lunch at a nice restaurant than supper, or see a matinee at the movie theater. And you don't need reservations!!


• Things are generally less crowded. No long movie lines. Waiting for a table at a restaurant. Shopping crowds. Amusement parks lines.

The reality is that dating can be a difficult thing for many couples. I see many couples who come in and due to children, money, lack of desire... they have not been on dates for quite some time. STOP MAKING EXCUSES. Marriages cannot continue to be put on the back burner until your kids are older and be expected to be happy. I have seen the dangers of child-centered marriages.

Dates do not have to be expensive. You can even stay at home! All we did yesterday was go shopping (and didn't buy much), walked around and had lunch. It was wonderful! Think outside of the box: Go walking at the lake. Have a picnic lunch. Exercise together. Catch a matinee. Get some discounted tickets for a show. It's not WHAT you do-- it's that you're doing something.