Why is it always about you????

My friend Kelly and I had a fun chat yesterday about narcissists, and how they can affect our lives. We started out by laughing about the SNL character "Penelope" (played by Kristen Wiig) and her funny ability to one-up everyone. You can watch her in the video below.




The problem is that when you encounter somebody like this, or even someone that isn't this overtly narcissistic, it's not funny at all. Most of us who are engaged with narcissistic people can't just walk away and disengage. We may be in a relationship with them- our spouse, our parent, our sibling, or a close friend. Or what if it's your boss or co-worker?

So how do you identify a "Penelope" when it isn't as obvious? One thing that Kelly and I talk about in our podcast (link is below) is that when one is in your presence, there is a visceral ickiness that oozes into your pores. I feel like I need to take a shower after they leave because they have brought their shame into my presence and attempted to leave it, spread on me like a very thick layer of peanut butter.
Narcissists, in truth, have such a lack of self-worth on the inside that it is covered with layers and layers of false specialness. The threat at exposing how little they actually think of themselves leads them to spend all of their energy convincing everyone around them (and themselves) of how special and wonderful they are. They talk about their own accomplishments, are incapable of complimenting you on yours, and if someone is in a position above them (which is viewed as a threat) they are eager to divert the attention back to themselves or put the other person down in an effort to feel better about... you guessed it... themselves.

How can you protect yourself? The need is very strong to set boundaries. Narcissists are very unlikely to change, so any attempt to work on a relationship or try to express to them how you feel when you are around them will likely fall flat. A person in a relationship with a narcissist needs to understand that this is NOT PERSONAL and that unfortunately, to stay safe, contact may need to be limited. If that is not possible, the relationship will likely need to be taken down a few notches to a more superficial level.

This process can be very painful. There is generally a grieving process involved, especially if the person is a close relation, in letting go of the dream of what you wish your relationship could be like. So take some time, seek professional help if needed, read a book, and get some perspective.

Good books about narcissism:
"Why Is It Always About You?" by Hotchkiss
"When Will I Ever Be Good Enough" by McBride (this one is about daughters of narcissistic mothers).