Date night (or day)!!

Yesterday, my husband and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary (Yay us!!). It is a great milestone, and one that feels almost surreal. Wow- 10 years! We were talking about how when we got married, 10 years sounded like an awful long time (well, not "awful" awful, but you know what I mean!).

My husband and I have also talked at great length, prior to getting married even, about what we are going to do to make our marriage a success. I think everyone assumes that because I am a marriage therapist we have a "perfect" marriage. The tools I have help, for sure, but it takes two to work at a marriage. I would like to think we have a great (not perfect) marriage because we both invest and protect it.

My parents divorced when I was 19. One of the observations (in hindsight, of course) about my parents marriage was that they rarely dated each other. This has always been important to me, and something we make the effort to do. So I thought about a way I could incorporate this into my blog this week, in an effort to be helpful.

What has worked for us very well is to plan daytime dates. We both work full-time outside of the home, so one of the advantages we have is that we have childcare during the day. This definitely makes the plan a whole lot easier. For couples who don't have this option, I encourage you to seek out other resources-- family members, teens in the neighborhood, or another parent that you know. Then, once the kids are taken care of (if you have kids), go on your date.

The beauty of daytime dates? I can't name enough reasons. But here are some:

• We're not TIRED!!! This is probably the best thing. There is none of that stifling a yawn, sneakily checking your watch, thinking-- "I would rather be at home getting ready for bed".


• We're not rushed. We have more than a 2-3 hour window in which we don't have to worry about getting home in time for the babysitter to go to a party. Or think about that if we don't get home by 11 pm, we're going to be zombies tomorrow (because our kids internal clocks don't change just because we're out late!!). This means we actually get to spend more time together than we would have during an evening date.


• We actually save money, because we have already budgeted for childcare. We don't have to add the cost of another sitter on top of that. And the stress of finding a sitter, the resentment of the woman feeling like it's always her responsibility to find a sitter (again, the benefits are endless). I know this example may not fit everyone's situation, but it is great for us.


• There are more date options. There are things we can do that are open during the day that aren't available at night. It's also generally less expensive to have lunch at a nice restaurant than supper, or see a matinee at the movie theater. And you don't need reservations!!


• Things are generally less crowded. No long movie lines. Waiting for a table at a restaurant. Shopping crowds. Amusement parks lines.

The reality is that dating can be a difficult thing for many couples. I see many couples who come in and due to children, money, lack of desire... they have not been on dates for quite some time. STOP MAKING EXCUSES. Marriages cannot continue to be put on the back burner until your kids are older and be expected to be happy. I have seen the dangers of child-centered marriages.

Dates do not have to be expensive. You can even stay at home! All we did yesterday was go shopping (and didn't buy much), walked around and had lunch. It was wonderful! Think outside of the box: Go walking at the lake. Have a picnic lunch. Exercise together. Catch a matinee. Get some discounted tickets for a show. It's not WHAT you do-- it's that you're doing something.

Why is it always about you????

My friend Kelly and I had a fun chat yesterday about narcissists, and how they can affect our lives. We started out by laughing about the SNL character "Penelope" (played by Kristen Wiig) and her funny ability to one-up everyone. You can watch her in the video below.




The problem is that when you encounter somebody like this, or even someone that isn't this overtly narcissistic, it's not funny at all. Most of us who are engaged with narcissistic people can't just walk away and disengage. We may be in a relationship with them- our spouse, our parent, our sibling, or a close friend. Or what if it's your boss or co-worker?

So how do you identify a "Penelope" when it isn't as obvious? One thing that Kelly and I talk about in our podcast (link is below) is that when one is in your presence, there is a visceral ickiness that oozes into your pores. I feel like I need to take a shower after they leave because they have brought their shame into my presence and attempted to leave it, spread on me like a very thick layer of peanut butter.
Narcissists, in truth, have such a lack of self-worth on the inside that it is covered with layers and layers of false specialness. The threat at exposing how little they actually think of themselves leads them to spend all of their energy convincing everyone around them (and themselves) of how special and wonderful they are. They talk about their own accomplishments, are incapable of complimenting you on yours, and if someone is in a position above them (which is viewed as a threat) they are eager to divert the attention back to themselves or put the other person down in an effort to feel better about... you guessed it... themselves.

How can you protect yourself? The need is very strong to set boundaries. Narcissists are very unlikely to change, so any attempt to work on a relationship or try to express to them how you feel when you are around them will likely fall flat. A person in a relationship with a narcissist needs to understand that this is NOT PERSONAL and that unfortunately, to stay safe, contact may need to be limited. If that is not possible, the relationship will likely need to be taken down a few notches to a more superficial level.

This process can be very painful. There is generally a grieving process involved, especially if the person is a close relation, in letting go of the dream of what you wish your relationship could be like. So take some time, seek professional help if needed, read a book, and get some perspective.

Good books about narcissism:
"Why Is It Always About You?" by Hotchkiss
"When Will I Ever Be Good Enough" by McBride (this one is about daughters of narcissistic mothers).

I've Been Watching You (part 2)

So now for something completely different. You know the cheesy old saying, "When you point the finger at me, there are four fingers pointed back at you"? Cheesy... but true.

A big reason that I decided to work with children (or actually, it was less of a decision and more that I feel like I keep being pushed into it by a higher power) was because I worked with kids during my internship, and saw several parents who had the attitude that if I "fix" their child, everything will be hunky dory. If only it were that easy.

I have had many kids brought into my office for some variation on the following:
"Why does my child lie?"
"Why is my child mean to his brother/sister/friends/schoolmates?"
"Why does my teenager not respect me/follow the rules/break curfew/have no responsibility?"
"Why are girls SO mean?"

While there are definitely tools that we can give our children, another important piece is to take ownership of your own piece of the pizza pie. Our children are ALWAYS watching us. Always. Even when we think they aren't paying attention, they are taking in every word. Even if we think we are hiding how we feel about things, they figure it out. Even if we aren't paying attention to our own actions and behavior, they are. And it starts at a VERY young age.

So take a step back and think about the struggles you have with your child, and how you could possibly be contributing to them. Have you ever called in sick to work when you weren't sick, and your child was listening to that call? Have you gossiped with the neighbor while the kids are playing underfoot? Have you modeled hurtful communication in your relationship while your kids are within earshot? Have you not listened to what your children had to say and invalidated how they feel? Do you do EVERYTHING for them, so that when they leave for college, they still have no idea how to manage time or clean up after themselves?

Being a parent is hard work. I know that I would love to lie about my child's age so that I can get a reduced rate at the movie theater. I have yelled at my kids to "STOP YELLING!" (oops!). And I have for sure said some choice swear words in front of the kids (Hey- I'm human too! And when I stub my toe, it *&^&$%^ hurts!!). Unfortunately, kids cannot see what you model and discern in what situations lying, stealing and swearing are OK. Instead of beating yourself up for this, take accountability, model being able to apologize and explain how you could have handled it differently. Your kids (and their friends and future spouses/partners) will thank you for it later!